She looks over him at the kitchen table. He is home after a long day at work, eating a snack, reading a text on his phone.
She says something, then something else. He’s not sure what. Her tone says all he needs to know.
Oh, shit. Now what? He thinks.
He looks up from his phone, reluctantly. All he wants is a few minutes of peace. A chance to arrive home.
“Did you see this?” she says.
He looks up and sees a shirt.
“How many times do I have to tell you? The whites…”
He takes a deep breath. It seems he can do nothing right with her lately.
His circuits jam up. Heat rises in his chest. The words stop before they leave his mouth. You’re not my mother!”
Still, an argument ensues. Despite his best intentions, he raises his voice and rages. She leaves the room. He’s failed her, again.
Alone at the table, he wonders, Why is she like that?
He scratches his head. Like a punch in the gut, a voice says – Why do you let her get under your skin like that? What got you so fired up?
What kind of man are you to lose yourself to her like that?
A similar story plays out often between couples. I see it in my coaching practice.
She’s always in my shit. She says I’m not enough. He doesn’t listen. He’s not present.
Conflict with a partner is a big edge, for men. We stake much of our manhood on her happiness.
“Happy wife, Happy life.”
I heard it spoken last week. A cop was talking to his on-duty partner at Rite Aid, buying a certain type of almond milk that his wife loves.
But when is “Happy wife, happy life” a form of tolerating her, instead of loving her?
The relational mindf*#k for men today is: She wants you to be tough in the face of her criticisms and tender with her needs. Tough AND tender.
Typically, however, we swing to one side or the other. So tough that we’re emotionally impermeable. Or, we’re so tender that she walks all over us.
How do we cultivate two seemingly opposite traits? Should we even bother?
Yes! But how?
The answer is, as inscribed centuries ago on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, simply ‘Know Thy Self.’
Today, for men, that means:
- developing emotional mastery, cultivating ferocity and tenderness within.
- reversing early childhood programming that says, ‘Emotions are for sissies.’
- confronting the inner perpetrator yelling, You’re a wimp for being weak. Or sad. Or fearful.
- reclaiming the power of your emotions (for yourself, your children, the world, and her).
In the heat of conflict, when you’re ready to explode (or check out), pause and remind yourself, knowing, “That’s not me: I’m more than that.
The truth is she is a reflection of all that you have yet to master within yourself.
Master your trigger, your hooks, the little boy who still runs you in heated moments. The inner critic who tears you up when you perform poorly.
These are the real battles. Between you and you. Not with her.
And so what if you perceive her to be a complainer, nag, or someone who just tries to bring you down? It’s possible. But you’ll never know until you master yourself first.
Seize the moment. Have the best relationship possible.
A version of this post was previously published at Stuart Motola: Coach, Author & Speaker and is republished here with permission from the author.
—
What’s Next at The Good Men Project? Talk with others. Improve your relationships. Join our Love, Sex, Etc. Social Interest Group
RSVP for Love Sex Etc. Calls
Join the Sex, Love Etc. FACEBOOK GROUP here.
We think you’ll like our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request a new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops, and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time (Friday calls only). This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
Need more information? Click here.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
What We Talk About When We Talk About Men
—
Photo credit: By Ridofranz @iStock by Getty Images