We are plagued by fear from our early days. As a child we confront physical, emotional and mental fear. All of us develop mechanisms to deal with our own insecurities and gradually we evolve and learn to cope and deal with fear and insecurities.
Physical fear is a fear I still succumb too. As a child, I remember how sensitive I was to pain and my fear of injections. and needles immense. It was an ordeal and I would spend sleepless nights visualising the not so fine needles used then, piercing my skin.
In those days small pox had not been eradicated and periodically at my school, Loreto Convent, Delhi we were sent down to the infirmary, class wise, to await our turn to be inoculated. This was given on our forearm by twisting the needle, into the skin in two areas, or so I recollect, despite my shut eyes. For days I would have swollen red blobs.
Even now thinking of the trauma awaiting my turn and watching the reaction of my classmates, screaming in agony, sends shivers down my spine.
Being quite a tomboy and emulating my brothers I would play all the games they did, falling so very often and being taken for agonising tetanus shots.
Another vivid memory is of being taken to the dentist in a government hospital. There would invariably be a queue outside so a patient would be called in, given the anaesthesia shot and told to wait outside. The doctor, who was very busy, would then start seeing other patients and by the time I was called in the anaesthesia was wearing off. My experience as a child, left me scarred for life. I have not been able to overcome my fear of dentists till date.
Emotional fear manifests itself in the fear of disappointing loved ones.
Right from the onset you are under pressure to do things that please adults and not disappoint them. Fulfilling the expectations of your parents and being near perfect takes a toll on a child’s well being.
I remember being compared to all my good looking fair complexioned cousins, by my exacting North Indian aunts.
My mom would try to build up my confidence by dressing me up in beautiful home crafted dresses. Despite that, I was this awkward, thin, gawky, spectacled kid with low self esteem.
I took refuge in books and delved deeper and deeper in the make believe world of books.
With wisdom comes the knowledge that as you “never judge a book by the cover” looks too are superficial.
What matters is the depth of character and genuineness. However that understanding only comes with time and is non existent in a child’s world.
My parents insisted on sending me for various classes they could ill afford hoping that I would one day become a renowned dancer or singer. Having no aptitude for either and being exposed to children with talent put me under emotional stress. My parents were my world and not living up-to their expectations caused me anxiety.
I remember my younger brother and me travelling together to school in the school bus. He was naughty and boisterous and always got into trouble. I was just the opposite sinking deep into my seat, nearly non existent, looking out of the window admiring the houses we passed.
Invariably there would be a ruckus in the bus and the teacher on duty would pull out the culprit who invariably was my brother and make him sit down beside her if she was in a good mood. If she had had a bad day this six year old would be asked to kneel down beside her much to my dismay.
I still have not forgiven myself for disowning him and pretending he was not known to me.
Children have different capabilities and abilities. Whilst my brothers were whiz kids, I moved ahead at a very slow and steady pace. I remember my maths teacher quizzing us on tables I could never remember and making a fool of myself in class. Memories of others looking at me wonderingly and saying that is so easy, did cause me a lot of mental agony.
My dad would see me struggle with Maths and do all my homework for me, which got me into greater trouble at school. I only started to perform well at school once maths was out of the way.
I realise now that by publicly ridiculing my mental capabilities, my maths teacher had closed the doors of maths for me making me fearful of the subject for the rest of my life.
Fear of not performing in exams, getting admission into the right colleges, finding a job you are passionate about and getting the right atmosphere at work haunt during our youth.
You deal with work- life balance, keeping everyone happy and being sensitive to the needs of all.
You give importance and priority to ambition and success and not to health, fitness and contentment.
As one ages fear is more tangible. Healthy friends fall prey to the worst kind of illnesses. Dealing with the demise of a good friend makes one realise how unpredictable life is.
Another fear is redundancy and not having anything to do. One has to start looking within and turn to spirituality to deal with the unfathomable.
Fear of the unknown has governed our lives. It is time to rid ourselves of all our insecurities and fearlessly plod on.
Enjoy each experience, cherish and learn from it. Do not shy away from change, take bold steps, break away from the shackles that binds you and move ahead.
Moving out of our comfort zone to try out new things is never easy. However, when you finally do cut the umbilical chord and move on, its an exciting change which infuses you with renewed energy.
The second innings in a career is always less stressful, as this time round ambition and success is secondary to happiness.
Do not fear the future or the unknown. Look ahead with optimism and hope that you still have the ability to enjoy each new experience.
Open your eyes to your surroundings, reach out to people who need your time, advise or help. It is the little things that count.
Life is a gift and a happy life is a life without fears and regrets, taking each day as a new beginning …
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash