I think my wife and I were suffering from Covid Cabin Fever. We both seemed to be getting more grumpy with each other as the days slid by. Little irritations ended up erupting as if they were major conflicts. I think these things were always there in us, but since we had a lot fewer distractions they came up to the surface more easily. Sometimes we really couldn’t understand why either of us had acted or spoken in a way that seems to be hurtful.
I decided to see this as a positive thing; a chance for us to confront whatever buried ‘stuff’ we both had that I’m sure was having an influence on our thoughts and actions, even when we may seem to be successfully ignoring it. I think what we were going through is a common reason why relationships run into trouble, and it was more concentrated because of us having spent so much time locked-down together. It’s that the buried child in each of us was not getting enough reassurance – either because the other person was preoccupied with their own feelings, or because they don’t see that behind the possibly very secure-looking adult mask I’m wearing, that there is a scared and vulnerable child who is afraid of being hurt.
It’s a fact that behind anger – unless it’s the kind that’s justifiable, like a response to some harm that’s being done – there is almost always some combination of fear, sadness, shame or pain. To know which it is for my partner when she’s pissed off, to be able to offer the right kind of reassurance, I have to ‘listen through’ her anger to whatever she’s actually feeling – and if ! have any doubts about that I can ask her to explain it – and not be blinded into defensiveness by ‘taking it personally. Or it could just be that I’ve done something dumb, and all she needs is an acknowledgment of that fact and an apology.
On my part, I discovered that if I can reflect on and better understand the roots of my frustration when it comes up, and share those underlying causes, however vulnerable they might make me feel, rather than disguising them behind the mask of anger, my wife is much less likely to feel threatened and/or defensive and that means she’s able to hear and understand what I’m saying more clearly.
The key to converting a conflict or a misunderstanding from something that drives us further apart to something that brings us closer together is taking the stance that neither of us is ‘right’– and neither of us is ‘wrong’. Then there’s no need for either of us to fall back on defensiveness (usually my wife’s go to – and I think generally women are programmed to feel more guilt) or the self-righteous feelings of “It’s so unfair” etc which is where I too easily end up. Both these reactions feed into each other in a downward spiral which can end up at the point of ‘let’s split up’.
I try to bring reassurance into an argument, by reminding my wife that I accept that we have different points of view (even if I secretly think I’m right!) and I respect and appreciate her right to think differently. In that spirit, it’s easier for us to reframe a conflict as a mutual learning opportunity, and takes away my fear-driven need not to ‘give-in’. I also remind her that, whatever it is either of us said or done to cause an upset, I do in fact love her and think she’s wonderful. It’s amazing how quickly an argument can vanish into thin air with that kind of approach if it’s said sincerely.
At the same time I try to learn her ‘love language’, so I’m able to interpret what her underlying feelings are, and focus on what is good between us. In relationships we see and experience what we choose to see – and that what ‘happens’ between us is not just the result of random events or luck, but is something we have some control over. I think if we can survive this Covid-time without giving up on each other, everything else will seem like plain-sailing by comparison. Bring it on!
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