When I was younger, I learned about the nature of love from Korean dramas and teen romance books.
Popular culture’s portrayal of love led me to believe that my partner should fulfill all my emotional needs. I believed that he should be someone I could completely lean on, accepting and loving me unconditionally even when I’m at my worst.
After all, we’ve all heard that saying — “If he couldn’t handle me at my worst, he doesn’t deserve me at my best”, right?
But soon I learned that love doesn’t work that way when the weight of my emotional pain gradually smothered my first boyfriend.
I dated him for a year, and during that time, I used him as an emotional crutch when I was very depressed. Towards the end of our relationship, my boyfriend was completely burned out. He broke up with me before my depression could kill both of us.
After my first love, my assumptions about the nature of love were shattered. I was heartbroken, but I learned that love isn’t all-powerful, and it doesn’t make your partner a perfect emotional caretaker who can absorb all your sorrows and pain.
It might be tempting to think: If my partner loves me, he should be willing to love me at my worst. But when I catch myself doing that, I try to think from a different angle — if I really love him, would I want to put a heavy emotional burden on him? Wouldn’t I want to take care of his mental health too?
In fact, I learned that if you truly love your partner, you would want them to be emotionally healthy themselves. It’s not ignoring your partner’s suffering. It’s setting healthy boundaries, which is the key to keeping your relationship functional, strong, and happy.
Here are 3 ways to reduce emotional dependency:
1. Let go of overly idealistic expectations about your partner
Don’t idealize them as a perfect emotional caretaker. Accept that they are only human and have natural limitations.
Your partner is not your savior. Even if they love you deeply, it doesn’t give them the strength to take in all of your emotional pain. Everyone has a limit to the negative energy they can put up with before they break down too.
It helps to observe and acknowledge your partner’s reaction to your stress. This gives you an idea of how much they can take in and keeps you from overwhelming them.
2. Don’t give away responsibility for your happiness
When your partner looks after you, you might feel happy and loved. But no matter how well your partner is taking care of you, it’s not healthy to rely heavily on them.
When you develop the ability to look after your own emotions, you can take a weight off your partner’s shoulder. You can also improve the dynamic of your relationship by reducing the tension and stress.
Although it’s a heartwarming and very affectionate thing for your partner to do, recognize that they don’t have an obligation to look after you. After all, it’s your job to make yourself happy.
3. Experiment with different ways of resolving your negative emotions
When you have accepted that it’s your responsibility to keep yourself happy, you can explore ways that help you cope with negative emotions.
Experiment with a wide range of coping strategies — try seeing a therapist, finding a support group, exercising, doing things you enjoy as a temporary distraction from negative thoughts, and much more.
The key is trial and error. Practise finding joy from various sources and find out which one helps you best through self-observation. Then, develop a list of healthy coping strategies that work for you.
Closing Thoughts
Walking with an emotional crutch isn’t the answer. In the short term, you may feel secure, taken care of, and happy, but that won’t last long. Eventually, you will wear your partner out and destroy the positive dynamic between you two.
If you care about your partner’s mental health, you wouldn’t want to use them as an emotional crutch. Besides, a real sense of security comes from knowing how to help yourself when you’re suffering. You will feel more self-confident and happy in the long term if you practise self-reliance, rather than leaning on somebody else.
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Previously Published on medium
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