It’s commonly accepted that, if things aren’t going well in your marriage, the problems will show up in the bedroom. So many people believe the opposite is true. If there are no problems in the bedroom, the marriage is okay. I suggest you be careful in making this assumption.
Because that’s what my client George believed. His wife would let him know that she didn’t like the way he spoke to her or their children most of the time. But they were having sex regularly, and she seemed to enjoy it, so he told himself she must not really be that upset with him.
Until she had enough.
He got upset by something their son did and he stormed around the house yelling at anyone and everyone. Not for a few minutes. But for hours.
She didn’t leave him, but they haven’t had sex since. That was five years ago.
He has since stopped the raging and has worked really hard to rebuild her trust. He’s been successful in many ways but there still is no affection, let alone sex. So, his belief led him astray.
There are three reasons that sex may be happening despite your partner’s displeasure with your marriage.
FIRST, YOU MAY BE A COUPLE THAT FIGHTS HARD AND LOVES HARD.
In other words, you have a big blow up followed by hot and heavy makeup sex. Passions are high on both ends of the spectrum. The sex is great but, over time, it cannot balance out the damage done by the destructive arguing.
The back and forth between the highs and lows takes a toll on both your energy and your love.
SECOND, SEX MAY BE MORE A FUNCTION OF PERSONAL PLEASURE THAN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
You each like the physical release and enjoyment you individually get from having sex and are able to keep it separate from what else is happening in the relationship.
Keeping in mind the happiness ratio of five positive interactions required to balance out one negative interaction and you’ll need to be having a lot of sex to keep the marriage on good footing.
This usually ends up being unsustainable as the negatives start to pile up.
FINALLY, SEX MAY BE HAPPENING AS A TRADEOFF.
This is when you’re having sex as a necessity for keeping the other aspects of marriage you or your partner want—financial security, an intact family, etc. It isn’t because you want to be physically intimate, just that it’s cheaper and easier than the alternatives.
In this case, sex can be limited in quantity or quality. One of you is just going through the motions but your heart isn’t in it.
This can go on for years until one or both of you decide you want more.
You can decide to address it now or wait until, like George, it’s too late.
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READ
Bad Marriage Advice #1: Beware Who Is Giving the Advice
Bad Marriage Advice #2: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
Bad Marriage Advice #3: It’s Okay to Fight But You Need to Learn to Fight ‘Fair’
Bad Marriage Advice #4: If You’re Not Fighting One of You Is Hiding Something
Bad Marriage Advice #5: If You’re Going to Fight, Fight Naked
Bad Marriage Advice #6: Marriage Takes Hard Work
Bad Marriage Advice #7: Marriage Requires Compromise
Bad Marriage Advice #8 – Marriage Requires Sacrifice
Bad Marriage Advice #9: Marriage Is 50/50
Bad Marriage Advice #10: If You’re Not Happy in Your Marriage, You Should Leave
Bad Marriage Advice #11: Happy Wife, Happy Life
Bad Marriage Advice #12: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Bad Marriage Advice #13: Love Is All You Need
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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and republished to Medium.
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