Nathan Daniels has a reason to avoid places where he might feel trapped. But he also has a reason to want to change.
I live with several psychological disorders, including Agoraphobia. This debilitating affliction makes my life unbearable at times, and one of the most challenging aspects is the lack of understanding I deal with. I’m going to share my own personal experience here, with some of the knowledge I’ve gained over the years, in an effort to continue raising awareness and fighting stigma.
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What, exactly, is Agoraphobia?
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by avoiding situations or places that might cause panic or one might feel trapped, embarrassed, or helpless if they do panic. This widely misunderstood and complicated disorder affects approximately 2% of adults in the United States, and about twice as many women as men.
The name itself comes from two Greek words… fear and marketplace.
“At a grocery store, my vision rebels against me. The lights are far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seem impossibly long and are twisting and warping before me. The people become horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I’m dizzy and disoriented, sweaty and shaking. I’m reacting physically to my irrational terror. I want to vomit. My heart is beating way to fast… way to hard. I think I can actually see it kicking against my chest! Paralyzed, I want to run, but I can’t.”
—Excerpt from Surviving the Fourth Cycle
There is evidence suggesting many possible causes, including genetic inheritance, though some research suggests it’s more likely a predisposition to general anxiety people are born with, which may increase their chances of developing Panic Disorders or Agoraphobia later in life.
There are even studies that could prove physical origins in some cases.
A weak vestibular system can cause one to rely on visual and tactile signals alone. In wide-open spaces, where these signals are few and far between or in crowded environments, where these signals are overwhelming, a person with this defect can become dizzy and disoriented. This strange and confusing sensation could very well lead to fear and avoidance of these situations or Agoraphobia.
It’s also notable that almost half of the people diagnosed with Agoraphobia have experienced some kind of trauma in their life, like sexual abuse or the death of a loved one.
Most experts agree, however, that suffering severe panic attacks and developing a continuous fear of having these attacks is the direct cause. In fact, Agoraphobia where there is no history of panic attacks is extremely rare… but does occur.
Panic attacks invite a list of frightening symptoms including accelerated heart rates, tremors, and shortness of breath. Severe attacks can often feel like you’re dying or going insane, as your body releases massive amounts of epinephrine to fuel a primal “fight or flight” response. These attacks are exhausting and terrifying events… I experience them on a daily basis.
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I am not alone.
Famous southern cook, Paula Deen suffered with this illness for twenty years, resulting in a fear of death she developed after losing her father when she was nineteen years old. She describes her experience as pure hell.
Actress Kim Bassinger went public about her battle with Agoraphobia, admitting that it kept her homebound for extended periods, and caused her to live in confusion and shed tears on a daily basis.
Ironically, it’s been reported that the most noteworthy person of fame who lived with Agoraphobia was Sigmund Freud. This is something to consider if you’re one to believe the stigma, that someone can just “snap out of it” or “it’s all in your head.” Surely, the most quoted psychologist in history had a vast understanding of the disorder, but that’s obviously not enough to alleviate one’s symptoms.
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What does Agoraphobia feel like?
Imagine standing in front of a door that you needed to pass through. Now… picture a blazing inferno or a psychopath with a shotgun and an itchy trigger finger on the other side. Imagine, what you’d feel, physically, knowing you still had to go through that door. You’d feel terror, desperation, and panic. You’d experience an accelerated heart rate, shaking, sweating, nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath… perhaps even paralysis or loss of consciousness.
Would you be able to reach for the knob? Would you be able to go through that door?
I face this fear on a daily basis. I even beat it more often than not, with teeth clenched and shaking legs, I’m usually able to make it through that door and function, even if it is on a limited basis —even if I do need a hood over my head, sunglasses, and possibly earplugs.
Now if you can accept the fact that Miss Bassinger, Dr. Freud, and I aren’t mentally weak imbeciles and our physical symptoms are real regardless of what’s actually on the other side of the metaphorical door, then you can grasp the reality of living with Agoraphobia.
If someone really charged through a doorway with foreboding danger on the other side, depending on the circumstances, they’d probably be considered a hero… brave and strong. Chances are, most people will never have to face that kind of terror. With severe Agoraphobia, I have to summon that same exact intestinal fortitude on a daily basis.
It’s a hard way to live.
Unfortunately, most people in my world look down upon me for suffering with this affliction and view me as weak and pathetic. Many think it’s a “fake” disorder and I’m just “lazy.” This stigma and lack of understanding from society in general, needs to change.
The exhaustion from trying to justify and explain the things you’re feeling, combined with the hopelessness of not having the reality accepted, can lead to crippling loneliness and social isolation. These are the most horrible aspects of living with mental illness, because they are completely unnecessary and inflicted upon us from external sources… sometimes by our own friends and family.
I find comfort in reminding myself that the ignorance is, “all in their heads.” Perhaps they’ll, “snap out of it.”
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How does one recover?
To the best of my knowledge, there is no definitive cure for Agoraphobia. There are, however, a number of treatment options that can help alleviate the symptoms or, at least, make them more manageable.
Typical medications prescribed for this disorder usually include a combination of anti-depressants like; Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOs), or Tricyclic Antidepressants along with anti-anxiety medications, also called benzodiazepines.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has proven to be an effective form of psychotherapy for those diagnosed with Agoraphobia. This involves educating yourself with facts and understanding the nature of the disorder, while carefully and patiently increasing your exposure to places and situations that potentially trigger attacks.
Due to the nature of this illness, it might be difficult or even impossible to leave your home at times for therapy… especially in the beginning. Personally, I can only make it to my therapy sessions with my girlfriend’s assistance, and I have to reschedule if she’s not available to bring me.
It’s still a challenge, even with a companion you trust completely. I hold her hand and keep my head down. I wear a hood to reduce my peripheral vision… grit my teeth and bare it. If you don’t have a companion that can help you get to your appointments, or having one simply doesn’t help, don’t fret.
Good therapists understand the complexities of the Agoraphobia, and most will be cooperative in making alternative methods of therapy available. Options might include starting out with over-the-phone or email sessions, meeting at your home, or secondary location where you might feel safer.
Even non-conventional forms of therapy like; yoga, meditation, and hypnosis can help by teaching you relaxation and stress relief techniques that, with practice, can help you learn to manage your symptoms and expand your comfort zone.
Support is crucial too, when learning to live with Agoraphobia. I’m lucky to have a very supportive and understanding partner, but I also belong to several online support groups. Facebook has a couple good ones, and it’s comforting and helpful to chat with others who can relate to my daily struggles.
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Agoraphobia and me.
Ever since I started writing extensively about my past relationship with my parents, I can’t help wondering if I may have genetically inherited some of the psychological disorders I live with today. More specifically, I wonder if my mom lived with an undiagnosed case of Agoraphobia, and if this disorder might run in our family.
For reasons unknown to me, my mother stopped driving when I was quite young. She never had a job as long as I knew her, even when there was a need and nothing obvious standing in the way. She had no friends to speak of, and I remember her having great difficulty communicating in public most of the time. As I got older, she often had me speak on her behalf.
Symptoms that I experience as a result of Agoraphobia and other ailments often prevent me from driving, currently prevent me from working outside my home, limit my friendships to online communication, and I need my girlfriend to do the majority of my speaking when I venture out into the real world… It’s all too familiar.
I will most likely have to deal with this disorder, on some level, for the rest of my life. My mother’s past lifestyle strongly suggests that, if one can be genetically predisposed to this diagnosis, that’s likely the case with me.
I endured devastating forms of emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse during my childhood. I also experienced the deaths of my grandfather, mother, and father… all in the space of three months, when I was a teenager. Any one of these situations can lead to the development of Agoraphobia.
My life seems like a series of events, specifically designed to induce this complex illness.
In spite of all this, I have immense confidence that I’ll consistently improve the overall quality of my life, and lessen the burden of my symptoms. I’ll do this by continuing to educate myself on my disorder, speaking openly and honestly about it, employing new and healthy coping skills as I learn them, maintaining my therapy and medication, knowing my limits, being patient with myself, and always seeking help when I need it.
I dream of a day, when I won’t even notice this disorder anymore, and my symptoms are all but gone. I know I’ll get there, and I’ll do everything in my power to help others get there as well. We might have to live with Agoraphobia, but there’s no reason we can’t do it well and we shouldn’t have to do it alone.
Photo credit: Flickr / alexdstewart32
I have recently met a man online who has agoraphobia. I wasn’t aware at first. He’s smart and funny. We click on so many levels. But we never go out. He finally had to tell me he suffers from agoraphobia. He works at home and rarely goes out. He goes to the supermarket in the middle of the night to avoid people and traffic. So far I think I can deal with it. I don’t know how a person with agoraphobia deal with relationships. Would he need to get rid of me because I would cause him anxiety too at… Read more »
Hi Nathan – You’re a very good writer; I enjoyed every word of your initial article. I recovered from 30 years of agoraphobia ranging from homebound to able to get out and work. I was a career journalist and after I recovered from agoraphobia (and alcoholism) I began a second career as a mental health social worker. This put me alongside many clients with fear issues, teaming with their psychiatrists and therapists to provide the best treatment for a particular person with a particular diagnosis. My job was helping people with mental illness problem solve. I put it all together… Read more »
Thank you for writing this. I have had agoraphobia my whole life, even though I was only diagnoised 2.5 years ago with it. My therapist keeps telling me I need to tell more people about it but all of the reactions I have gotten from people (except my husband who sees me struggle on a daily basis) have been very negative. My own family keep telling me to just suck it up and go out. People just don’t understand it and don’t believe it is a real thing. At my worst I was housebound for a year not able to… Read more »
Another insightful, helpful article. I can relate to much of what you said here. I have social anxiety disorder, and I’ve experienced panic attacks because of it. I also have generalized anxiety. These, combined with racing thoughts that are but one aspect of my bipolar disorder, can be overstimulating and overwhelming, and I often wear ear plugs to shut things out. You are very correct that all of this can be treated. These things you deal with, I deal with, others deal will won’t easily disappear, and they may not disappear at all, but they can indeed be managed and… Read more »
Daisy Deadhead,
That’s an awesome opposing perspective here… the world needs action heroes too!
Thanks for reading and taking the time to offer a unique point of view. I definitely appreciate it, and much love to you as well :]
Hi Nathan, I was looking for information about males and agoraphobia when I came across your site. The first part of your article says it all. Spacial displacement. I have a blog at agoraphobiawhat.blogspot.com that will give you the information you need to get rid of this thing. I hope you will look at it and do what will make you well. This is a disability not a mental issue. I am so sorry to hear about your childhood hopefully it will make you stronger in the end. I have also written a book “My Silent Disability” by Yolanda Antonino… Read more »
Imagine standing in front of a door that you needed to pass through. Now… picture a blazing inferno or a psychopath with a shotgun and an itchy trigger finger on the other side. Imagine, what you’d feel, physically, knowing you still had to go through that door. You’d feel terror, desperation, and panic. You’d experience an accelerated heart rate, shaking, sweating, nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath… perhaps even paralysis or loss of consciousness. Would you be able to reach for the knob? Would you be able to go through that door? Speaking of BPD, I guess you know there are… Read more »
Hi Nathan,
thankyou for sharing this wonderful article about agoraphobia. You have an incredible amount of courage and inner strength. You have moved from Victim to Survivor to Victor and Advocate. This is the format from Theo Fleurry. There are a lot of different modalities for treating this, as a clinician and advocate I have helped many people who experience agoraphobia.
Again, well done and thankyou for sharing your story.
I’m so happy to hear you’ve helped people with this affliction… I have finally qualified for a program, where they actually understand the disorder, and they will come to me when I can’t get to them. Now, I can stop being penalized for missing appointments, and keep my recovery moving forward.
Thank you so much for writing to me here with such sincerity… I appreciate that :]
Hi Nathan: Just read your article, and you are to be commended for your courage in speaking up about this disorder. With a history and background like yours, you are surely a survivor who deserves to hold your head high, even if that takes place mostly inside, for now. While CBT and gradual exposure to the outside world can be helpful, I would encourage you to seek alternative forms of therapy to deal with some of your past trauma. For example, an holistic approach like Gestalt, with its focus on the here-and-how, could help in this way, and there are… Read more »
Hey Natalie,
I really appreciate you taking the time to offer me some kindness and support, as well as some solid advice. Thank you so much, and I wish you nothing but the best :]
Great article about a seldom discussed topic…! I struggled with this issue without being able to name it when I was laid off (my institution sank like the Titanic a few years ago and I was set adrift)….I started working part time at a friend’s office and it was quite the adjustment: new people, new computers, new expectations, etc., etc. Some days I would go in and feel almost light-headed and all sweaty because I felt that if I didn’t work as fast and as efficiently as the other people, I wouldn’t be asked to come back….Sometimes it was hard… Read more »
Hi Leia,
You were definitely experiencing some anxiety there, but in an effort to avoid confusion, I don’t see this as being Agoraphobia.
If the anxiety you felt in your new surroundings led to severe panic attacks, and extreme fear of having those panic attacks led to avoidance of the situation… now we’re talking Agoraphobia.
In any case… great job working through the anxiety, and I’m happy to hear it went away and you’ve found your place again. Thank you for reading my words and sharing your own personal victory here.
I wish you all the best my friend :]
Hi NATHAN This is well written and very informative . I have a pen pal with agoraphobia but I never asked to share with me what it is like. You did it well. I sincerely hope you can be healed from all this. Even if genetics makes some of us especially vulnerable does not mean we can not become better. The human psyche and our brain has possibilities unknown . I am not the one I was as a young woman,and largely because it did the hard work just like you. Things can change Nathan, but as you already know… Read more »
Iben,
You always find the time to read my work and reach out to me. You always offer such warmth and kindness and support. Connecting with you is always a pleasure, and I really can’t thank you enough. I’m working hard, and I will get where I want to be :]
Wishing you the best :]
Dear Nathan, thanks for writing this, you express the issues really well. I have had agoraphobia as part of Chronic PTSD for 20 years, but though I had to leave work in 1992, in 1997 I managed to go on an art course (I used to chew gum with tears running down my face and sweat pouring down my back to stay in lectures) and got my first solo exhibition in 2001. Because of it, I met my husband ( a very unlikely safe person, he had bi-polar and a delinquent son) and that helped so much, as does Citalopram.… Read more »
You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing and pointing out the incredible benefit of an artistic outlet. I couldn’t agree more.
I will be submitting a detailed piece on PTSD, and the development of Chronic PTSD, in the near future.
I’m really proud of you… picturing you, gritting your teeth and bearing it through those classes! I know, deeply, how amazing it is that you were able to pull that off. Thanks again :]
I greatly appreciate your article. I read it looking for clues in a way to distinguish the feelings associated with agoraphobia against sensations found with persons who have Asperger’s syndrome. When my teen was dx’ed as a child I knew who he was but needed to know who he would be, so I connected with a huge online group of adults with Asperegrs. The inability to grasp social cues coupled with GAD most often leads to self isolation. But after your reading I wonder now if agoraphobia can be a comorbid component, at least with some of the men I… Read more »
Veronica, Your response here is very interesting and definitely has me thinking. Some of the techniques you employed to help your son seem like they could really be helpful. I like the weighted vest idea. You’ve inspired me as well. It’s awesome that you show the support you do, to those who suffer with ailments that are difficult to understand. I’m so glad you took the time to read my writing here, and thank you so much for reaching out to me and sharing a little of your own story. I wish you all the best, and please… keep up… Read more »