When Jin began indentifying as non-binary, they noticed that they didn’t resemble the other non-binary folx they saw on social media. This prompted Jin to experiment with different looks while proceeding with hormone therapy – from dying their hair different colors, to trimming their hair little by little, to shaving it all off entirely. In the end, Jin decided to present how they wanted – and not how others expected them to appear.
My name is Jin, I’m from Aiea, Hawaii.
00:08
I moved to New York City about maybe 8 years ago and 6 years ago I started becoming a sex
00:17
worker.
00:18
Unintentionally – it just kind of happened.
00:20
I became a professional dominatrix when I first started because I kind of already had,
00:27
like, a look, an alternative look.
00:29
So I started to dress more feminine and I started to style my hair in a way that was
00:35
very like hyperfeminine.
00:36
So I had straight across bangs, long black hair.
00:39
I wanted to look like Betty Page.
00:41
I just assumed that she was like the pinnacle of femininity, and the more feminine I looked
00:45
I thought I would make lots of lots of money.
00:47
I worked for a commercial dungeon in New York City and I – once I left the dungeon and I
00:53
started doing freelance work or I took breaks from being a sex worker, I kind it started
00:58
choosing my own hair style.
01:00
And I went – I started doing some freelance commercial modeling and I dyed my hair blonde.
01:06
Also at the time Instagram was showing a lot of, like, non-binary models.
01:11
I started coming out as non-binary.
01:14
I was reading more about being gender fluid and non-binary and they/then pronouns, like,
01:19
what that means.
01:20
And I definitely identified with a lot of it.
01:22
I didn’t realize there was so much language around this type of identity.
01:26
And it started to res – it was resonating with me for awhile.
01:30
But all the people that were like attributed to this identity were like thin, white, skinny,
01:38
tall models, and I thought the only type of, like, identifiable factor in that was that,
01:43
like, Oh they have tattoos and that’s interesting.
01:46
But I – and some of them had, like, pastel hair and like blue lipstick, and I was, like
01:51
this is adorable, but I don’t – other than the tattoos and like alternative hair expressions,
01:58
I didn’t really look like any of them.
02:01
I started to dye – I dyed my hair blue.
02:03
I thought that that would be more an obvious marker, like I’m non-binary, too!
02:08
That didn’t really do anything.
02:10
At this time, I was also going to clinics to go on consultations about going on hormones
02:14
and testosterone.
02:17
And some clinicians were telling me different things like I would have to, like, lose some
02:21
weight before going on testosterone, because of the weight distribution I would gain more
02:25
weight.
02:27
Some of them suggested that I maybe just work out more to have more of a masculine presentation
02:32
rather than just going straight to hormones.
02:34
I was getting a lot of different mixed signals from a different – a lot of different clinicians
02:37
and realized that maybe it wasn’t – it just made me feel like I wasn’t completely – maybe
02:44
testosterone wasn’t the complete answer.
02:46
I’m not necessarily a person that wants to fully transition to be a man.
02:52
I’m comfortable being the way I am.
02:54
I just wanted to feel a little bit different and less dysphoric about my transness as a
02:59
non-binary person.
03:00
In that time, I started my hair cut.
03:03
I had long, gross, like stringy blond hair and it was like ready to just be cut off.
03:09
And I saw my friend who is a queer hairstylist here in New York.
03:13
Every time I’d see them, they’re like, “You really gotta let me cut your hair.
03:15
It’s just like it’s just on its last legs.”
03:17
And they cut it to my shoulders and I liked it.
03:21
It was very like Kurt Cobain – Asian Kurt Cobain.
03:27
Messy in my face.
03:28
I started cutting it shorter and I went from shoulder length to ear length that was very
03:34
boy band, very very Elvis, had like a swoop in the front, like rockabilly and I liked
03:40
it.
03:41
I was still seeking health clinic that would put me on testosterone and I finally got an
03:48
appointment around this time.
03:50
I remember I just got a haircut and I started going on testosterone.
03:55
I went on a very low dose on a gel packet.
03:58
I passed all their tests about seeing if I quality as a transperson or not.
04:02
None of them asked me about my weight or my health or anything like that.
04:06
I noticed that I didn’t – like, my gender presentation was still feminine.
04:13
I was always getting this like cisgendered, misgendered.
04:16
And it was kind of just more along the lines of like – it just didn’t feel comfortable
04:27
Even if I looked very feminine or masculine, I just didn’t like it.
04:31
I still didn’t look like all of these people on Instagram of being this like, this archetype
04:38
of a queer non-binary person.
04:41
I took hormones hormones for about like 2 to 3 months, I think, and every month I think
04:48
I got a haircut.
04:50
Because also in that, like, time I was taking hormones, I decided – I found a tattoo that
04:55
agreed to tattoo my head.
04:56
It was the day that I want to go re touch or fill in shading into the snake tattoo that
05:01
I have right now and I went to a barber close to the tattoo shop.
05:05
I finally did it and the person who shaved my head was also baldie and he was taking
05:11
really long because he said, admittedly said, like, “I’ve never shaved anybody’s had
05:15
before.”
05:16
I don’t know why he would say that during a time where he shaving my head.
05:20
And I – he’s like, “ I just really want to take my time on this and he kept busting
05:24
out new, like, razors and he’d like wanted to give me the full experience, but I was
05:27
like, “Hey.
05:28
I gotta get a tattoo right now, like I’m just going to go.
05:31
But it was like a nice ease into just like becoming bald.
05:34
And I told him – I just kept – it’s almost like I had to walk him through shaving my
05:38
head so I didn’t have time to freak out about it.
05:41
And then I was completely bald and I could really see my head and I was like, Wow, I
05:46
have a good head.
05:48
I don’t – I don’t mind.
05:49
It’s not that bad.
05:50
I recommend anybody to – regardless of gender and identity – to shave their head once.
05:56
If you – it teaches you a lot about letting go.
06:00
It teaches you a lot about seeing yourself without any extraneous – like, try shaving
06:06
your head and look at yourself in the mirror naked.
06:08
Whoa.
06:09
It is like – it’s like seeing yourself completely all over again for the first time.
06:15
I like just being bald now.
06:16
I like not having my hair be – because whether I had really long black hair and being hyper
06:21
femme, to blond hair and having all these crazy colors, I was always something to be
06:26
looked at.
06:27
And even though I still get looked at a lot because I have I have a lot of tattoos, it’s
06:29
still at least somewhat expressive of what it is I feel inside instead, rather than presenting
06:37
in a way that is fore someone else.
06:39
I think it’s important for non-binary, gender non-conforming people, or people under the
06:44
trans umbrella, to hear that you’re fine, you don’t have to – like, love yourself, affirm
06:51
yourself in whatever way do things that make you feel comfortable.
06:55
Also not everybody’s story is exactly the same.
06:57
It’s, like, okay to be fluid.
06:58
It’s okay to like – to just be.
—
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