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Relationships are amazing things. They have the ability to fulfill our most fundamental need for human connection, enabling people to form a meaningful connection with other individuals. They allow humans to experience a range of emotions such as love and companionship. They can serve as both our refuge and our oasis. However, relationship building is not easy. It is especially true if your partner has serious emotional difficulties.
Difficulties may appear in a relationship if your partner has suffered emotional trauma. Irrespective of the type of trauma they experienced, it profoundly affects their self-perception and ability to participate in a relationship. The idea of getting into a romantic relationship with a person suffering from past trauma can be intimidating, but you never know until you are too deep into their lives.
Each relationship throws a unique set of challenges but also presents unique ways to support each other and build stronger bonds. Here are some basic guidelines for dating someone who has suffered trauma in the past. Unfortunately, the word is overused and thrown in every time a person survives any bad experience in life. Even the rising political divide in the country is termed as trauma by some people. That is why people prefer to find dates that have the same political inclination. The conservative dating sites are niche platforms that assist people in finding dates with similar political ideologies. So, rather than considering each small setback as trauma, let’s begin with understanding what actually trauma means.
What is considered trauma?
All can be considered trauma if we believe in popular opinion – from a broken toe to domestic violence. However, it’s not the case. Though trauma is a broad term, it is identified by the emotional and psychological effects on a person and the way they respond to difficult situations in the future. They constantly live in the state of fight or flight mode. Their body and mind constantly view everything as a potential threat because they live in a perpetual state of flight (ignore issues) or fight (react aggressively). They are always expecting the worst to happen.
Some of the most common people who suffer from trauma are people who faced childhood abuse, met with a fatal accident, lost a loved one, soldiers who have been in war-zone, etc. Ex-convicts also show trauma symptoms after an extended prison stay. The tag of being an inmate plus the trauma restricts them from finding dates and developing relationships. Thankfully, several inmate dating sites provide a second chance for inmates to find love and an understanding partner.
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is another grave type of trauma that affects a person’s emotional stability. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the article on PTSD states that war veterans, children, or anyone who has gone through severe physical or sexual abuse, accident, or any serious events are at risk of developing PTSD.
What to expect when dating someone with trauma?
All relationships go through different journeys and have unique challenges. In some cases, dating someone with trauma can take a toll on the relationship, while some successfully enjoy a long, happy partnership with constant support and love. Someone recovering from trauma may not react to situations that make sense to you, mainly if the unpleasant event is recent or intense. It’s helpful to remember that healing occurs on a continuum and that someone struggling with childhood trauma or PTSD experiences different emotional places than someone who recently experienced a negative experience.
You may improve your loved one’s health and create a stronger, more loving relationship by learning how to support your partner through their healing journey.
- Help your partner believe in themselves: Believing your partner is an obvious component of all kinds of relationships. However, it can be tricky while you are in a relationship with people recovering from trauma. It can often bring up challenges for both of you. Many people who have survived or recovering from trauma generally have a deep fear of being disbelieved. Moreover, they also struggle to believe in themselves. Encourage your partner to indulge in positive self-talk. Most of the time, they blame themselves for all the bad things that occurred in the past. It is important to make them realize it’s not their fault, and they must be kind to themselves. Positive self-talk can help to some extent. Here are a few examples of positive things to tell yourself:
- It was not my fault.
- Despite what happened to me, I am not a bad person.
- I am a survivor.
- I have something to contribute to the world.
As a partner, you also need to reinforce your belief in your partner. Just three words, “I believe you,” can be deeply empowering.
- Don’t try to cure your partner: You are not a qualified therapist to find a cure for your partner. However, seeing your partner struggle to control their emotions can be stressful. It can be an instinct feeling and urge to jump in and try to fix your partner. But there is nothing to be fixed here. Instead of trying to fix your partner, be there for them and listen to what they want to share. Validate their feelings, and show your support to them. You’ll be surprised to see the power of just being present for another person, which is often underestimated. Your partner must harness the inner resources to recover from their trauma. However, you need to allow them time and space to recover at their own pace. You can do nothing to expedite that apart from being a constant support.
- Keep communication channels open: Proper communication is the cornerstone for any kind of relationship. Communication is crucial in every relationship, but it becomes critical in a relationship with someone who has suffered from trauma. Trauma can leave behind deep scars that limit your partner’s capacity to feel, think, or behave in a better way. As a result, it becomes difficult for people to fully understand one another, which causes misunderstanding, hurts sentiments, and occasionally creates resentment. Regular communication also enforces that you are there for your loved one.
- Do not take things personally: Irrational emotional reaction is common among trauma survivors. You may also notice occasional emotional numbness and mood swings. It is also very common for them to feel rejected, hurt, embarrassed, or even jealous without your faults. A deep sense of guilt follows the instant aggression. These are times when most partners start questioning themselves—blaming themselves for their partner’s irrational behavior. You may even try to avoid future situations that act as the trigger. Though it’s okay for you to feel frustrated and sad in such situations, remember that it’s not your fault the way they behave.
- Love yourself: Trauma is not an excuse for abuse. Do not let your feelings and physical well-being be hampered. Not only does it affect your capacity to be a supportive partner, but it also makes you a punching bag. You must draw boundaries. People recovering from trauma often need information about their behavior to take corrective measures.
Moreover, trauma is a silly excuse for bad behavior, and no one should encourage that. Taking care of yourself is crucial for ensuring that you remain stable and strong during the partner’s healing process. Keep in mind to exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep. You have a self-identity that is distinct from your partner. In order to build a strong support system, develop strong friendships with friends and family. Do pursue your own goals because it is essential for your well-being and your capacity to support your relationship.
Wrap Up
In conclusion, dating someone with an understanding of their weakness and strength ensures that you are on the right track to building a strong relationship. However, if your partner is recovering from trauma, you need to dedicate more time and energy. Being curious about the behavior of a prospective love interest, understanding their emotional needs, respecting their limits, and being sure of your own boundaries are some ways to support your partner recovering from trauma.
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