Picture this: You’re at home, doing nothing in particular when suddenly your wife or girlfriend comes in, and they’re really mad. Fortunately, it’s not about anything you’ve done. (Phew! It’s a phone call they just received.) But still, they’re clearly upset.
Being the thoughtful, caring man you are, you want to make them feel better. So you start talking, reasoning with them, offering a different perspective—essentially trying to talk them out of their feelings.
Been there? I bet you have. And how did it go? Exactly. It’s a terrible idea.
So what should you do? How can you help someone snap out of a bad mood? It’s actually surprisingly easy to do. Just follow these simple do’s and don’ts:
DON’T: Get Logical
This is a common mistake and the one that the above example illustrates. When someone’s upset (angry, flustered, ruminating over something in the past, etc.), our instinctive reaction is to use logic to try and reason them out of it. The problem is, this can seem uncaring and/or disrespectful, which, understandably, only makes the person more upset. Don’t get logical.
DON’T: Get Pulled Into the Drama
The second mistake is we get pulled into the drama right along with them. If they’re angry, we get angry. If they’re worried, we get worried. Negative states are contagious, so this is an understandable reaction. Nevertheless, getting pulled into the same state as the other person only multiplies the negative energy and makes the situation worse, potentially a LOT worse. The key here is, as you’re engaging, pay attention to how you’re feeling, too. Maintaining even a minimal level of self-awareness should be enough to keep you from getting pulled into the drama with them.
DO: Move Them “Lower”
Negative states are usually the result of being activated, or triggered, in one of three areas: physical, emotional, or intellectual. That is, a person gets upset because something is affecting their physical condition, their feelings, or their thoughts. Maybe they haven’t eaten in too long (physical), and it’s making them testy. Maybe an unpleasant phone call has made them angry (feelings), and now they’re taking it out on others, saying things they don’t mean. Maybe a family member is sick, and they’re worried (thoughts), so they’re distant and distracted.
Picture these areas stacked vertically, like a three-story building (physical is Level One, emotional is Level Two, and intellectual is Level Three), and you can see what I mean by “move them lower:” The key to helping someone stop being upset is to shift their attention, or “move” them, to the next lower level.
If they’re angry, for example, (emotion-Level Two), move them to Level One (physical)-get them moving, go for a walk, have them take some deep breaths. If they’re distracted or caught up in negative thoughts (intellectual-Level Three), move them to Level Two (emotions)-ask how they’re feeling, ask what they think others might be feeling, have them revisit a special moment. If they’re tired, hungry, or in pain (physical-Level One), there isn’t a lower level to move to, so you cycle back up and move them to Level Three (intellectual)-ask a question, pose a problem, get them thinking about something else.
That’s the ‘move them lower’ approach. In practice, it’s a two-step process. First, you observe what level the other person is on, meaning, you decide if the source of their upset is physical, emotional, or intellectual. Second, you shift their attention to the next lower level. And it works like magic.
Now, there’s one other option to consider, but it’s something of an advanced, Ninja move: Go to Level Four.
We’ve talked about three levels: the physical, emotional, and intellectual aspects of ourselves. But there’s a fourth level, as well, which you can think of as ‘you at your best.’ Level Four is that special experience when you feel wonderfully, vibrantly alive. You’re not off in your head somewhere—thinking, worrying, judging yourself or others—you’re just there, fully engaged in what you’re doing.
The essence of this Level Four experience is being fully present in the moment—and that’s the Ninja move: when someone’s upset, be present with them. Don’t reason. Don’t commiserate. Just be.
Of course, this is easier said than done. That’s what makes it an advanced move. Most of us don’t naturally have the self-awareness and the self-regulation skills to be present much at all, let alone when we’re with someone who’s upset. And how to develop those skills is beyond the scope of this article. But if you can do it, going to Level 4 is another very effective option.
In any case, those are the DOs and DON’Ts for what to do when someone’s upset: DON’T get logical, DON’T get pulled into the drama with them, DO move them lower (or go to Level Four). Try this out next time. I think you’ll be very happy with the results.
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Photo: Pixabay