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I recently had a conversation with my personal trainer. I said I wanted to write an article for men about how they could approach their divorce in a way that serves their needs for respect and dignity and did he have any thoughts, as a divorced man.
He immediately said: “It depends on the context. Did he just find out his partner was having sex with someone else, or an emotional affair? Has his partner been flirting with someone at work or the gym? Or in love with someone else? Or just not feeling satisfied or happy in the relationship as it is?” Good points, I thought.
Feeling Your Feelings
Understanding context is necessary, but not sufficient. Regardless of context, men (and women, too) need to take ownership of their feelings when a divorce is inevitable, whether you asked for it or not. This is an excellent opportunity, albeit somewhat counterintuitive, to expand your capacity for effective communication with your spouse as you separate and grow beyond your comfort zone.
The No-Blame Game
Regardless of who is initiating the divorce, you can proceed in a way that will serve your short and long-term interests. Identify your feelings about the marriage. your contribution to the end of the relationship, and the logistics for the divorce in a safe and constructive way. You can grow as a person from this moment of adversity and set an example for your family and friends about how to handle conflict and adversity with dignity and mutual respect.
Hacking Your Way Through Divorce
There are at least 5 ways to manage divorce and maintain your dignity and self-respect, as well as the respect of those around you. Just because you are getting divorced (like fifty percent of first-time married couples in the United States), on some level you still want your partner to think well of you, even if you deeply believe they are making a huge mistake in letting you go.
Nanci’s Top 5 Divorce Hacks for Men
Divorce Hack # 1: Find a licensed mental health professional who is skilled in family dynamics, divorce, loss and grief, and the impact of rejection on the human spirit.
Divorce is 80% emotional, 10% percent legal, and 10% financial. Divorce is a major life transition and is likely to trigger feelings of loss, rejection, and grief, even unresolved family of origin stuff. It’s nearly impossible to make wise decisions when you haven’t processed your emotional reaction. Choose a professional you trust. This is a critical relationship and can be the difference between emerging healthy and whole-hearted, or bitter and resentful. The work of understanding your feelings, needs and goals will enable you to manage the impact on your physical, emotional, psycho-spiritual, and sexual health. If you don’t “do the work,” you are wasting this opportunity.
Divorce Hack # 2: Commit to an amicable divorce process.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood in the divorce process. There are four basic ways to get divorced: Do it Yourself, Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, or Litigation. Understand the differences and find a process and legal counsel that align with your core value-values, like integrity, mutual respect, compassion, empathy, and transparency.
You may have intense feelings, but using divorce as a weapon to make your spouse suffer is never a good idea. It may give some momentary sense of power, but the costs to your psyche — not to mention your relationship with your children and extended family — will be great, as will the eventual attorney bill.
I encourage my clients to investigate the interdisciplinary collaborative divorce process (an out-of-court resolution model where your psycho-spiritual-emotional health is the key to a successful outcome). Don’t underestimate the influence your divorce attorney will have. Find someone you like, trust, and who isn’t rushing off to the courthouse to file first and negotiate later. Filing divorce papers and having them served on your spouse is an aggressive act. Properly assess the need before you blindly succumb to an approach you didn’t bargain for or even want.
If you’re interested in a collaborative divorce, your spouse would likely be grateful and relieved, knowing that no one is going to get exploited and you have a fighting chance of being friends and, if you have children, excellent co-parents,.
Divorce Hack #3: Listen to understand, not to defend your position
It is an act of maturity to engage in a conversation without trying to convince your spouse or the opposing attorney of the righteousness of your position, or worse, to assert yourself in a way that suggests their viewpoint is wrong, inferior, or immoral.
In Collaborating with the Enemy, How to Work with People You Don’t Agree with or Like or Trust, Adam Kahane sets out an approach to meet difficult conversations at the organizational, corporate, political, or geo-political level. He starts with the observation that we cannot keep calling everyone who doesn’t agree with us the “enemy.” Other people are entitled to their opinions, and it isn’t our job or divine right to force them to accept our world view or values. He suggests we approach a difficult conversation with someone we may not like or trust with curiosity, allowing us to find the common thread of our humanity; to find something to appreciate about each other, even when we disagree about important beliefs, perceptions, or strategies.
The great paradox when it comes to divorce is you need to come together to separate. The adversarial divorce creates enemies of our spouses. Conversely, when we create a safe, structured place to have meaningful conversations, we generate better options to move forward. The act of coming together to listen, without planning your retort or rebuttal, is invaluable.
Divorce Hack #4: Uncover your strengths and find what brings you joy.
When was the last time you spent time contemplating what you might like to do for yourself? For fun? Do you want to exercise more, have time for therapy, have better sex, go out in nature, play music, or pursue some other hobby you never had the time, energy, or money to do, because you had too many responsibilities?
You are not an expert in every aspect of your life, no matter how good you may be at various things. If you want to pursue a new experience, find others who can guide you. If it’s time to take care of your body, hire a trainer who can keep you motivated. If you haven’t seen friends, reconnect and be social again. Isolation is a beast in the best of times, a real risk factor during divorce. Find support groups that include men, such as DivorceOver40.
Divorce Hack #5: Be the generous and kind man you think you are. Let go of the “narcissistic wound” and aspire toward generosity.
With the correct support, even the most deeply wounded among us can feel safe, affirm themselves as good people, and hold a vision of a hopeful future. Collaborative divorce involves attorneys, a mental health neutral, and strategic others who focus on those parts of the divorcing couple that show them to be fair, just and generous, i.e. good and loving people
How Are You Going to Show Up for This Next Stage of Your Life?
I said at the beginning that context is important to understanding, but isn’t sufficient. At a time when you may feel your worst, it’s important to remember your core humanity and desire for respect. Your spouse likely wants that, too.
You have options and choices about how you handle this moment in your life. It is an exciting opportunity to emerge healthier and happier – to be the man you know, in your heart, you are, despite what your ex may be saying about you at this moment of confusion, loss and pain.
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