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When my son was 12 or 13, I had a staff position at a university counseling center (I was not a counselor). I happened to mention to one of the counselors that I was taking him to a skate park, and she suddenly appeared solicitous for his wellbeing. She warned me earnestly that skaters are at greater risk for depression, suicide, and antisocial behavior. It was hard for me to imagine how a sport could be a sign of pathology, and I asked her to explain the connection. Other than warning me of the risks, she didn’t give much of an explanation. Or course, the reason these boys are at risk for depression and suicide is that they are often shunned and bullied both by their peers and by adults in positions of authority.
Around this same time, my son complained to me that one of the coaches at his school would call him and his friends “skater fags.” Soon after, the coach himself called me to discuss my son’s “attitude” toward his physical education class. He told me when he had them exercise, my son was bent over and showed no enthusiasm. My son grew extremely quickly in those years but was rail thin, and he was self-conscious about his body. Essentially this coach was criticizing my son’s body type and athleticism while simultaneously compounding his anxiety about his appearance.
I told him my son said he called them “skater fags,” and he said, “No, that isn’t something I would say.” I asked him what names he did call them, and he began to waffle. I had assumed my son was exaggerating the problem to get my sympathy, but after talking to this coach for a short time, I could see the coach was a bully to boys who didn’t conform to his idea of adolescent masculinity.
This is how our boys are targeted when they don’t conform to mainstream expectations of masculine behavior. In the most severe cases, non-conformists are murdered. Many “coming-of-age” movies depict misfit teens who are shunned or bullied by their peers until they learn to get the right haircut, shop at the right stores, and clean up for the prom. The message is clear: Some kids just make themselves victims. If your son likes My Little Pony, you better find more appropriate entertainment for him before he makes himself a victim, too. Some schools help, by banning My Little Pony backpacks in the hands of boys.
When children and parents seek relief from bullying, only to be told the victim is the problem, we must recognize that the teachers and school administrators have become bullies themselves. I’m not saying all or even many teachers are bullies, but blaming the victims it itself a form of bullying.
I suggest a different approach. Rather than identifying what kids are likely to become victims, we should try to identify which children are likely to become perpetrators. Rather than teaching kids to conform, lets teach children to tolerate, accept, and even celebrate difference.
To this end, I have put together a completely unscientific list of possible signs a child is at risk for becoming a bully.
1. The child has no knowledge or curiosity of other cultures (including sub-cultures such as punk or skating culture).
2. The child has a strong desire to fit in and follow the crowd.
3. The child shows a blind obedience to authority without questioning the morality of commands.
4. The child is superficial with no interest in complex judgments or novel information.
5. The child is critical of difference or is judgmental of people he or she sees as inferior.
6. The child listens exclusively to mainstream music without exploring more complex or challenging expression.
7. The child rejects unconventional beauty.
8. The child is a boy who is concerned about appearing manly, which often entails signs of aggression or a girl who judges boys for not being manly.
9. The child is concerned about being better than others and constantly ranks people into classes.
10. The child has no interest in art/stories of others.
11. The child has no real passions or convictions.
12. The child is being bullied by you.
My list is partly serious and partly tongue-in-cheek, but it is imperative is that we begin to focus on perpetrators of violence rather than victims of violence when we issue warnings and work to reduce depression and suicide in young people. Becoming depressed or suicidal is a completely understandable reaction to bullying and constant criticism. Empowering nonconformists while condemning violence against them would be a great start to creating a more inclusive and tolerant society.
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Photo credit: Sergejs Babikovs/flickr
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I can only speak from personal experience both as a student and teacher and have no actual data to back this assertion but for me the biggest indicator of whether a child will have a tendency to bully is that they have a parent that is a bully. Many learn bullying behaviour well before they hit school age.
Ari, I would tend to agree to some degree. I’m sure there are also other factors though. A kid over compensating for his insecurities. If I bully you,I don’t have to think about me…..