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I think there’s a fundamental misunderstanding going on with some men right now concerning the #metoo movement that goes something like, “Gee, if I flirt, or express my sexual or romantic interest towards a women, no matter how innocuously, I might just get hauled off by the PC police, and be pilloried in the court of public opinion for sexual harassment or assault. I guess that means courtship has been effectively criminalized, and we’re headed for a completely desexualized society, certainly at work, and potentially wherever men and women interact.” And they start worrying that they’re never going to be able make a romantic connection with a woman.
That’s the fear.
That’s also not what’s really going on here.
First of all, none of these complaints that we’ve been hearing of are about flirting – unless you think that pulling out your penis at work is flirting. Or asking for a massage as part of a business meeting. Or complimenting the body of a woman with whom you are in a purely professional relationship. (“Nice ass” as an opener is neither professional, polite, appropriate, or effective as a way to express interest in a woman.)
Secondly, as others have pointed out, the behaviors we are hearing about actually have little to do with courtship, romance, or even sex. They are about power. A man who says or does these things is not doing so because he wants to develop a loving, respectful, intimate relationship with a woman. He’s doing it because it satisfies his own desire for control and power. He’s doing it because it satisfies his ego. He’s doing it because he can. With little to no understanding or concern about how the woman might feel.
These are the guys getting called out on bad behavior who have never worried about, or even thought about, the appropriateness of their behavior. If you’re not one of those guys, then there’s very little to fear.
For the rest of us men, there may be some discomfort because we know that there is a heightened awareness around this issue. But if we’ve been behaving respectfully up till now, what’s there to worry about? We continue behaving respectfully, and if our behavior is ever called out, or we sense some discomfort, we apologize and adjust.
If we’re in a position of power, we just don’t go there at all.
Within these parameters, I think we’re a long way from having a sexless, touchless society. Yes, there may be less flirting in the workplace, but is that such a high price to pay for giving women a safe working environment?
So it’s not that it’s suddenly inherently harder for men to connect with women in the workplace; rather, it’s that we have to be more conscious about how we approach women. That takes heightened sensitivity, and empathy, and reflecting on our own motives, and those things may be unfamiliar to some of us, because those are not usually things we’ve been taught to consider, and so we have some learning to do.
I don’t want to diminish the very real challenge this will be to some, maybe even most, men. And the very real discomfort some men may be feeling as they navigate this new terrain.
But I think we need to be careful not to blame our discomfort on the fact that women are now finding their voice, and being heard and listened to when it comes to sexual harassment and assault. Women are not ruining flirting and romance, and to suggest as much is a disservice to them, and it runs the risk of shutting down the stories that need to be told.
So let’s manage our own discomfort without blaming anyone else. Let’s take responsibility for our actions and for our evolution.
Maybe that feels difficult, and it will be, at least for a while, but it really just means we guys have to pay a bit more attention. And while that may be more work, in the end, everybody wins, so I would think it’s a kind of difficulty, and even discomfort, that we can welcome.
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