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In a recent discussion on the Weekly Call With The Publisher of The Good Men Project, a male participant felt masculine power and passion had to be suppressed so as not to scare people away. That revelation was hours ago and I’m still trying to process the enormity of that statement.
First, definitions so we are on the same page.
Power, by authority, right, license, privilege, manipulation, and/or knowledge, gives a person control over people, situations, actions, and/or activities. This is not a sex-based definition as the person in power might be either a male or female. In fact, in the world of achievement, power is a desired goal. It’s rewarded with prestige, money, and responsibility.
Passion is a strong and acknowledged emotion such as love, sex, hate, envy, etc. It can be expressed in many forms—the arts, athletics, hobbies, etc. A passion might also be for things, like collections, or for concepts, like order, timeliness, and cleanliness.
I find neither of these terms scary with respect to the outside world and making a living. They only take on ominous connotations when applied to relationships where individuals have to maintain several levels of identity: individual, couple, family, and extended family.
Today, if my partner were the powerful head of a multi-national corporation and stood in the middle of our living room and screamed at me, “Where’s my dinner,” I’d hand him the phone.
In relationships, there is a big difference between assigned, assumed, and personal power. An assigned power is, “Please take over the checkbook.” An assumed power is, “When I’m home, I’m in charge of the remote.” Personal power allows for consensus and respect, “Let’s figure out how we’re going to handle this situation.”
Personal power never has to be announced or enforced, marketed or advertised. It just is. And, people who have it often flock together. They recognize it in each other and know it is a respectful and safe space where everybody stands tall without having to make others feel small.
“Personal Power is based on strength, confidence, and competence that individuals gradually acquire in the course of their development. It is self-assertion, and a natural, healthy striving for love, satisfaction and meaning in one’s interpersonal world.”
My additional list of traits includes a sense of self, awareness, kindness, generosity, compassion, respect for self and others, a centered calm, sense of humor, ability to listen and hear, a philosophy of inclusion and positivity, honesty, thoughtfulness, ability to share, interests, intelligence, genuine, and passion plus the capacity to say, “I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” and “I forgive.”
This is what’s present before emotion strikes. Anyone with personal power can also be mad, sad, glad, happy, joyous, fearful, and pissed. They can screw up a relationship as fast as the next person. They are as vulnerable as the next person.
Being a powerful person is not about perfection. It’s about self-knowledge, expression, and vision.
Power is scary in a relationship when it is used to control—“My way or the highway.” “This is how I want it.” “This is how you’ll do it.” “This is what I expect.” “This is what we’ll do.” “This is non-negotiable.” “This is not up for discussion.” “This is what is best.” “You must work around your issues to make sure my demands are met first.” There is an implied threat if edicts are not met.
The result of this overbearing behavior is that one-half of the relationship mutes the other half. The silenced half is not dormant. Pressure builds behind passive facades until it is released. The explosion scars everyone involved.
“Eight traits commonly associated with masculinity are: independent, non-emotional, aggressive, tough-skinned, competitive, strong, active, self-confident, and hard. A quick review of this list shows that most American men are not prepared to handle feminine women.”
What is a woman looking for in a partner? She wants a best friend and a compatible sexual partner. Someone who loves and respects her as she is (with or without make-up, naked or dressed). unconditionally, without reservation, and is committed to the relationship. Why? That’s what she wants to give back. The primary lasting attraction is mutual emotional support and security, followed by a plan for financial security.
Power and passion is only scary when it is wielded as sword, with the intent to subjugate, abuse, and dehumanize. No one I know is looking to spend quality time with a person who suppresses who they are and present a false front to the very people they want to connect with. It is much easier and far more rewarding to accept and be yourself—freed from societal norms. You may not attract the people you want, but you will attract the people you need in your life.
If you’ve read this far, a bonus: no one can or is expected to read minds. When your partner rejects a gift with the statement, “We’ve been together long enough for you have known what I want,” they are saying, “You don’t pay enough attention to me: what I do, what I care about, what I wear,” “You don’t see me,” and “You don’t know who I am.”
If any of those disappointed statements is true, the best way to avoid the scene is to ask before purchase or pick out the gift together. Trust me. I know. Been there. Done that. My husband had no clue.
Note: This generally doesn’t happen in the reverse because one person in the relationship does pay attention to their partner’s nuanced references and immediate needs. They always get the right present.
Photo: Getty Images
Sorry, the web page closed out before I had a chance of finishing. Since there is no penalty for expressing rage, women use their voices to hurt the men in their lives. The verbal violence women indulge in is not seen as a crime but the words wound us deeply. Just an example of one person I was involved with: I was dated her several years ago. I thought things were going very well. We took a rafting trip in Idaho and had a great time. When driving back to California we came to an intersection. We had a choice… Read more »
“…bellowing voices only happen when women are not heard…” That is not true.
I should add that “non-emotional should have been replaced with discerning when are where emotions are displayed.
“ … independent, non-emotional, aggressive, tough-skinned, competitive, strong, active, self-confident, and hard. A quick review of this list shows that most American men are not prepared to handle feminine women.”
First, I have to ask what is a “feminine” women?
With the exception of “aggressive,” this is the man my wife married 43 years ago. Replace “aggressive” with “assertive,” you’ve summed up who I was and who I am today. Nonetheless, other characteristics such as nurturing, protective, funny, etc. apply as well.
Thank you for your comments, The quote is not mine. I also take issue with “feminine woman.” I chose not to argue the point in the article as it would take me off point. I also would add the additional qualities. I am happy for you that you’re able to express your feelings without being afraid.
Oh, and by the way? The Exodus story is pure fiction. The only historical evidence of any group leaving Egypt en masse is the description of the Hyksos (the foreigners who’d taking over a large segment of Egyptian land) being driven out by the native Egyptians. Exodus never happened – if it had, it would have been written down by multiple peoples.
Thank you for taking the time to explain the fallacy of the Exodus. I look at the biblical story as parables from which we can glean meanings that apply today. We do not have an issue on this point,
“Today, if my partner were the powerful head of a multi-national corporation and stood in the middle of our living room and screamed at me, “Where’s my dinner,” I’d hand him the phone.” – And you would be lucky if he didn’t beat you. Men with power treat men lower down the totem pole, and women (who are automatically lower down the totem pole), as inferiors, whether they’re CEOs or blue collar guys with chips on their shoulders.
” And you would be lucky if he didn’t beat you. Men with power treat men lower down the totem pole, and women (who are automatically lower down the totem pole), as inferiors, whether they’re CEOs or blue collar guys with chips on their shoulders.”
Exactly why Carol may end up taking some shit for what was an attempt at honest discourse. This is why men react viscerally. Sadly, though most women do not default to this sort of, erm, thought process, those that do seem to have the most bellowing voices.
Thank you for your comments. IMHO, bellowing voices only happen when women are not heard. Sadly, it happens too often.
Thank you for clarifying the terrifying power of a man. For my part, A. I would never marry such a bully. B. If I did without understanding his true nature, after his first assault, I’d be out of there and he’d be in jail. No one has the right to subject another person to an assault of any kind, no matter where they are on the economic scale.
“Today, if my partner were the powerful head of a multi-national corporation and stood in the middle of our living room and screamed at me, “Where’s my dinner,” I’d hand him the phone.” – And you would be lucky if he didn’t beat you. Men with power treat men lower down the totem pole, and women (who are automatically lower down the totem pole), as inferiors, whether they’re CEOs or blue collar guys with chips on their shoulders.
Even though the math clearly shows that to not be true? That’s part of why things are so hectic. People want to hold onto their own generalizations and assumptions while wanting everyone else to drop their own generalizations and assumptions because “___ isn’t a monolith”.
“Must men suppress their feelings to be accepted?”
We do if we do not want our feelings demeaned, analyzed to determine if our feelings are legitimate and then use our illegitimate feelings to eviscerate us in front of our children.
Thank you for sharing, Michael. It sounds like a very bad situation. All feelings are legitimate, Not appropriate for children to bear witness, I suggest reading up on “Fair Fighting,” a methodology that does no ascribe to evisceration and does work.
Carol writes: If you’ve read this far, a bonus: no one can or is expected to read minds. When your partner rejects a gift with the statement, “We’ve been together long enough for you have known what I want,” they are saying, “You don’t pay enough attention to me: what I do, what I care about, what I wear,” “You don’t see me,” and “You don’t know who I am.” If any of those disappointed statements is true, the best way to avoid the scene is to ask before purchase or pick out the gift together. Trust me. I know.… Read more »
I am not, nor did I try, to speak about or for all unhappy married women who are looking “for reasons to be miserable in their marriage.” No one wants to be miserable in a marriage. Everyone want to believe in happy ever after. For that to occur, both partners have to work at the relationship. I did not suggest an all day shopping trip. If asked, in this case, a woman will tell her man what she’d like for a gift. Check it out on line together. Pick and buy. Not so tough. Shopping with a woman may not… Read more »
What a mind-blowingly sexist comment against men. For me, I can say, (1) that doesn’t reflect my reality at all; and (2) boy, are you missing the point. You basically say “I don’t need to try harder to be caring in my relationship because men aren’t good at that and don’t care. Now where is my blowjob?”
Let’s be honest: Most men have no clue about what kind of material gifts their women want. Most men are not attuned to fashion, and jewelry, and accessorizing, and all the things that most women revel in. I have to question this. The point isn’t so much to be attuned to fashion and all those other things the point is to be attuned to what she is interested in. Sure you may not be able to go to her favorite shop and piece together a perfect ensemble outfit but you should at least be able to notice what she wants.… Read more »
I would just give a woman a gift card and let them figure what they want.
Another option. Over a nice dinner would also be nice and appreciated.
Yes, thank you, Danny.
While I appreciate reading your examination of power and passion it doesn’t seem to address what the gentleman said. …a male participant felt masculine power and passion had to be suppressed so as not to scare people away. That revelation was hours ago and I’m still trying to process the enormity of that statement. He has observed that he masculine power and passion is regarded as scary and that he must suppress them as not to scare others. What you say here is interesting: Power and passion is only scary when it is wielded as sword, with the intent to… Read more »
Men are not inherently bad. Rape, on the other hand, is always bad. And, usually, but not always, committed by a male to a female. Thus, if a female senses she is being stalked, she will be fearful. What would you tell your wife or daughter or sister if she called you on her cell phone because a man appeared to be following her? Tell her she’s being silly. The nice man won’t hurt her. At that moment, not all men a bad. But, the man following her might be If expressing power or for both, a person intentionally terrifies… Read more »
Men are not inherently bad. Rape, on the other hand, is always bad. And, usually, but not always, committed by a male to a female. Thus, if a female senses she is being stalked, she will be fearful. What would you tell your wife or daughter or sister if she called you on her cell phone because a man appeared to be following her? Tell her she’s being silly. The nice man won’t hurt her. At that moment, not all men a bad. But, the man following her might be. Which shows that regardless of how masculine power and passion… Read more »
I am somewhat confused by your thread. A few men choose to exert their power and force through rape, a violent attack on another, invading both personal space and body. And yes, in suspect situations, the possible victim must react and do what they must to protect themselvess. There is no way to know whether the other person is benign in a low security situation. To stop this behavior, if men, you and men like youself, initiate a successful national movement to stop rape, fear would be off the table. There are many non-threatening, positive and productive ways for people… Read more »
Yes a few men choose to exert their power through rape and the entire gender gets a black mark for it and its seen as justified to assume the worst intent in all men. In short you seem to be okay with applying, “A single rotten apple spoils the bunch”, to men when I’m pretty sure you would not apply this to any other group of people. As I have experienced in my life as a man trying to show that I am not a threat does little to no good because I am judged as bad simply because I… Read more »
Thank you for over-stating. It give me a chance to say that if it were true that it was a “single” individual, the “bunch” would be fine. But it isn’t. Statistics: 1 out of every 6 women has been raped. Every 98 seconds, a person (male or female) is raped in the US. So next time you are at a party or walking down the street, take a good look around and do the math, (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem).
Thank you for over-stating. It give me a chance to say that if it were true that it was a “single” individual, the “bunch” would be fine. But it isn’t. I think you’re trying to play semantics in order to support your generalization. Of course we know its not literally just a single individual. I only used single and bunch because that is what the quote says. Statistics: 1 out of every 6 women has been raped. Every 98 seconds, a person (male or female) is raped in the US. So next time you are at a party or walking… Read more »
I do not impose upon men the whole collective responsibility for the actions of a few. I just said that if society’s going to change wrt to rape, there has to be a determined educational program of education on relationships. Who better to start than men who “get it” to men who don’t. I would like to see this program in schools given to all students so people can be treated as people on an ongoing basis. Then, eventually, no one will be afraid of anyone.
I just said that if society’s going to change wrt to rape, there has to be a determined educational program of education on relationships. Who better to start than men who “get it” to men who don’t. The problem is this goes beyond educating men who don’t get it. It goes beyond when it gets to the point of expecting men who get it to go out of their way to way to make women comfortable just to be written off as a “possible threat” anyway. Earlier when you said this Thus, if a female senses she is being stalked,… Read more »
“You are asking men as a whole to change in order to suit women’s comfort.” We began by talking about your comfort. If you don’t want to be thought of as a predator, then the current statistics show that a woman is better safe than sorry. If you don’t want to see the paradigm changed to suit women’s comfort, that is your choice. However, women won’t change until they are comfortable.
No this wasn’t about my comfort or even the comfort of men overall. This was about how you seem to think men are collectively responsible for the comfort of women. I speak largely from the perspective of experiencing firsthand that a man trying to go out of his way to show a woman he is not a threat is folly on the grounds that at the end of the day if someone want to say a man is a threat and treat him like a threat they are going to do it no matter what the numbers say. What good… Read more »
Women commit sexual abuse as well but it seems you refuse to admit it to continue the fictional narrative that men are the only perpetrators. You probably don’t even admit than men can be victims of sexual abuse.
Thank you, John. In fact, I agree sexual abuse is not limited by gender or age. I did not elaborate as I was addressing comments by a man. Sexual Abuse is WRONG. I don’t care who does it. I am against victimizing, minimizing, and torturing another human being for any reason, anytime, anywhere.
Very Interesting read. ” In a recent discussion on the Weekly Call With The Publisher of The Good Men Project, a male participant felt masculine power and passion had to be suppressed so as not to scare people away. That revelation was hours ago and I’m still trying to process the enormity of that statement.” What I see in the statement above is a bit of misinformation, or misunderstanding of masculinity. Likewise with the qualities of masculinity listed in the link. To me, the first is a sort of faux masculinity, or macho posturing. The second an incomplete list, basically… Read more »
I agree with what you’ve shared. The men in my life do not have to prove anything either.