What does it really mean to be “a good man” in the year 2017? By what standards do we measure our success? Manhood? What guides us to treat ourselves the way we do? And how do we treat the women in our lives—be they our mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, co-workers, friends, or neighbors? Do we act honorably, from the highest level of respect, empathy, integrity, and fairness? Or dishonorably?
The Secrets Men Keep, which I wrote almost 35 years ago, spurred open-ended conversations about these and other “men’s issues” in workshops and classrooms; and on TV shows/networks such as Oprah, Donahue, and CNN. Were seeds of manhood planted subliminally in us as boys (that lasted to our dying day)? Had we, as men, been led astray by conscious and unconscious fears and insecurities—and brainwashed by an unspoken, unwritten, and yet socially pervasive code?
The slightest hint of vulnerability, fear, sorrow, weakness, and dependency (help is still the least utilized four-letter word in the English language) got us demoted.
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I speculated that there was a code of sorts encapsulated in that deeply ingrained commandment: “Be a man!” Boys were compelled to grow up fast; hide, deny, and repress all emotions (except anger); shun their needs; and never let their guards down. Doing whatever was necessary to win the love, adoration, respect, and affection of our parents and peers became the norm. Approval, attention and acceptance came when we adopted mainstream America’s traditional view of masculinity; and when we bought into society’s deeply held beliefs about women, status, and power.
A show of manhood got us promoted on the “Male Scale.” The slightest hint of vulnerability, fear, sorrow, weakness, and dependency (help is still the least utilized four-letter word in the English language) got us demoted. Despite being human (and therefore vulnerable), we learned to dumb down and override our fears; and compensate for our shortcomings by “manning up” on the streets, playgrounds, schools, ball fields, bars, boot camps, boardrooms, and bedrooms of our lives, as well as in the privacy of our own thoughts and emotions.
Doing the “math,” it was clear that guys who “manned up” (i.e. acted tough) were rewarded for their courage and character. They attained status and success by winning the game; dating the prettiest girls; landing the perfect jobs; making lots of money; marrying the perfect wives; having the perfect kids; buying the best houses; driving the fastest cars; and surrounding themselves with other symbols of success. Posing and posturing as “real men,” their stock rose. Those who got caught being human (as in shedding tears, letting their guards down, falling short of expectations, and so on) were judged to be “failures” and “lesser men.” Demoted to “loser” status, they suffered rejection, disrespect and, in many cases, abuse. Weak men were shunned, punished, humiliated, and excluded. “Sissies” were taunted by shame and name-calling, slander, and bullying in their neighborhoods, communities, and families.
This code was, and still is, sanctioned by American society even though increasing numbers of men have opted out of the old “Male Scale” and redefined what it means to be “good men”; as well as a loving husband, father, brother, son, friend, boss, colleague, leader, and citizen. A friend who read my new book, Courageous Aging, recently asked me whether guys in their 60s and 70s finally breaking free of the “Be a man” thing? “Does the need for approval and validation of one’s manhood ever wane?” he asked.
Of course, too many men continue to be prisoners of the basic training they received as boys.
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“In a perfect world,” I answered, “guys outgrow many of their fears and insecurities—and the knee-jerk defensiveness that prevents us from enjoying greater confidence and closeness. We stop obsessing about penis size, how much alcohol we can drink, how big a car we can drive, how much money we make, and how to impress people. And we begin to realize the rewards of sharing power with the people in our lives, rather than power over them. We summon the courage, strength, and humility to let go of self-limiting and inauthentic codes like ‘Be a man!’ As we get more comfortable in our own skins, we learn to defuse conflicts, put our houses in order, pay the good in our lives forward and make peace with life itself.”
Of course, too many men continue to be prisoners of the basic training they received as boys. Middle-aged men still go out of their way to look and act 35; make inappropriate advances with women; and compare themselves with other guys on the basis of wealth, social status, the technology they sport in their man caves, and the attractiveness of the women they’re with. Generations of men continue to disrespect women, escalate rather than defuse conflict, abuse power, compensate for their shortcomings, and make fools of themselves. In the headlines every day are examples of powerful leaders in business and government who abuse their power, throw their families under the bus and end up increasingly miserable as they get older.
Toughness and self-reliance are wonderful character traits. It’s when they become false representations of who we are, hurt others and diminish ourselves that the debt comes due. The opportunities for freeing ourselves of the “Be a man” mantra and adopting more honest, respectful, integrity-based practices are within our reach at every age. Thankfully, we can and are changing our code of behavior and attitudes – and positively influencing future generations of boys and men. Being a good father used to begin with handing out cigars in the waiting room. Becoming “hands-on dads,” in today’s world now begins with going to childbirth education classes and helping deliver their child. We can become the better version of ourselves when it comes to how we treat the women in our lives, achieving work/life balance, deepening our spirituality, and how we approach aging. Health and fitness programs, personal and professional growth workshops, self-help books, articles and audio tapes, counseling, coaching, yoga, mindfulness, and alcohol/drug recovery programs are improving the health and well-being of men at every age.
Having had the honor and privilege of directly helping male clients, workshop participants, audience members, and readers become the better versions of themselves for over 40 years, and with 68 years under my own belt, what it really means to “Man Up” and be a good man is clear. We owe it to ourselves and the people we most care about to think and act in ways that lead to peace. This means being humble, respectful, compassionate and kind. By manning up in this way, we’re sure to make the world a better, kinder, fairer and safer place.
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Photo: Getty Images