Andrew Smiler believes that if we are to change the odds on these rampage killings, we might want to start by changing the messages we send to men and boys.
On Friday morning, we woke up to the horrible news that a gunman had opened fire during a midnight movie in a Colorado theatre. By mid-morning, a suspect had been named: James Holmes. A man.
He joins a dubious list: Jared Lee Loughner (Rep. Gabrielle Giffords), Major Midal Malik Hasan (Fort Hood), Seung-Hio Cho (Virginia Tech), and Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Columbine). Male, all of them. In fact, almost all mass killers have been male.
Federal statistics tell us that about 90% of homicides are committed by men. And about 75% of homicide victims are men.
I want to be clear: most men are not killers, even though most killers are men. Killers are a very small percentage of the population.
Tom Matlack and Jamie Utt have asked what’s going on, why the shooters are almost always male, and usually white. Statistically, being male “increases the odds” that an individual could become a killer (or a victim, for that matter). I think some of our cultural expectations for boys and men contribute to this change in the odds. They’re not the only things, but as the TV detectives say, they’re an important part of the killer’s profile.
We teach men to do, to act, to solve problems. It’s not enough to identify the problem; a guy should do something about it.
We teach men to not ask for help. Men who need help – whether it’s an “obvious” problem or something that he should be able to handle by himself or even just help on a regular basis – are told to “man up.” Coupled with our encouragement to act, this means that when a guy only has one solution, he’s going to try it – even if it’s not a good solution.
We teach men they should not express their feelings. “Boys don’t cry,” we tell them. That doesn’t prevent men from having these feelings; it just encourages them to minimize or ignore them. Because they’re not supposed to ask for help, most guys don’t have much experience working through their feelings. Although a guy might be able to cry on a woman’s shoulder, he’s probably crying in his beer with his male friends.
We teach men that violence is a viable solution to problems. That’s the message behind expressions like “let’s go outside and settle this like men.” It’s one of the messages that’s transmitted in all those action movies: violence is an acceptable way to respond to a threat, even if your own violence isn’t strictly legal. If you’ve seen the video Seung-Hio Cho recorded before he went on his rampage, he’s posing like some of those movie characters.
On Friday afternoon, we know very little about James Holmes, the Colorado shooting suspect. But we do know a fair amount about those other boys and men who’ve been accused and convicted of these kinds of shootings.
In one way or another, they all felt like there was an ongoing problem that couldn’t be solved. Maybe they didn’t ask for help with their problems, or maybe they asked once or twice, but there was no help to be had. Initially, they were probably sad or hurt, the result of being picked on, ostracized, or abandoned by someone who was important to them. When the situation didn’t change and those feelings didn’t go away, and when other people stopped listening even though the guys were (still) sad, those feelings turned to resentment and then anger. Anger can be energizing, and anger often leads to violence. From there, it’s a straightforward line to action, and that action can be quite violent.
In almost every case, the killer thought about what he’d do for weeks, if not months. Immediately prior to the shooting, the killer spends an hour or so getting ready: checking weapons, putting on protective gear, going to the site, making any last minute adjustments, etc.. The shootings are rarely impulsive, spontaneous, never-thought-about-it-before decisions.
If we’re serious about preventing these mass shootings from continuing to happen, we can change the odds by changing some of the messages we give to boys and men. We need to start accepting that boys and men are human beings, not automatons who know it all and can always control their feelings and act rationally. We need to start telling boys and men it’s ok to ask for help and to provide them with ways to express their sadness. And when they take us up on those offers and ask for help or share their feelings, we need to accept them for who they are and what they’re going through, and not shame them for not being “man enough.”
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More on the Aurora tragedy:
Not a Joke: Why Do Our Boys Keep Up the Mass Shootings? by Tom Matlack
The Aurora Shootings: What’s Wrong With White Men? by Jamie Utt
The Evil That Men Do: James Holmes, Aurora Colorado and Mental Illness by Shawn Maxam
What Makes White, Middle Class Men Kill? by Christian Piatt
Mass Shooting in Aurora, Colorado – Tell Me Why We Don’t Need Gun Control Again? by Josh Bowman
A Tribute the the Victims by Good Feed Blog Editors
Photo Ed Andrieski / Associate Press
One thing that might help is not putting the names and faces of mass killers all over the news.
If a black person commits a crime, its taboo to criticise their race. If a Muslim blows up a building, its taboo to criticise their religion. Unfortunately men aren’t afforded that same courtesy.
Thanks for writing this.It is important and timely. Last week in Toronto, we suffered our biggest gun tragedy ever witnessed by the city. Our culture has so many problems and very few solutions (In Toronto, they are taking away after school activities for at-risk youth and replacing them with more police. More police results in more violent crime. I would love to see more resources for men to talk candidly about their male experience, their feelings of depression and isolation and acknowledgement of their feelings. There is no easy answer here. For myself, I try to resolve feelings of violence… Read more »
Nonsence.
If America wants men to value the lives of others, America will have to learn to value the lives of men.
It really is not so complicated.
Good point Anthony.
Maria: I am curious, exactly what privilege does a black man in america have that you as a white woman does not have..I am really curious.
This article was pretty good. Thanks for posting it. I wish you hadn’t gotten such defensive responses.
As a white heterosexual woman, I have no problem acknowledging that I benefit from white heterosexual privilege, and that it hurts people of color and gays and lesbians. Men need to acknowledge that they benefit from male privilege, and that it hurts women.
I just thought I would share a link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs5OqrgVNEw
Interesting to think about.
You know what, I’ll just cut and paste a comment from another thread because it applies here to your article. “Let’s say you do ask for help. But what you get is dismissal, ostracisation and shame. This is particularly still a problem for men who have been hurt by female perpetrators whether through physical or sexual means. Or when boys struggle in education, it’s only a blip on the radar and even then society tends to either downplay the issue or make it out as its their own fault or the fault of men themselves. The article talks about encouraging… Read more »
Sorry, I should clarify that comment I pasted was mine.
I agree Eagle34. I thought the last line of the article addressed your point, albeit briefly. “And when [men] take us up on those offers and ask for help or share their feelings, we need to accept them for who they are and what they’re going through, and not shame them for not being “man enough.” “
Andrew: “We teach men to not ask for help. Men who need help – whether it’s an “obvious” problem or something that he should be able to handle by himself or even just help on a regular basis – are told to “man up.” ”
Again, that’s only half the problem.
Teach society to stop brushing men’s problems aside, blaming them for every social ill.
Face it, when you’ve got a man who DOES seek help and he’s told that he should shut up because he benefits from a sexist culture, it’s a self-fulfiling prophesy.
Very good point/list of examples Jonathan G. I wish our culture were much less violent, that list wasn’t so easy to generate, & I hadn’t heard about every one of them as they happened (so to speak).
We teach men that violence is a viable solution to problems. That’s the message behind expressions like “let’s go outside and settle this like men.” It’s one of the messages that’s transmitted in all those action movies: violence is an acceptable way to respond to a threat, even if your own violence isn’t strictly legal. Don’t just pick on movies and television, as they’re not even half the problem. What is the proper way to deal with most-wanted criminal fugitives like Osama bin Laden? Send in SEAL Team 6 to blow his head off. How should we put a stop… Read more »
I agree thats the culture of power. Society expect that men to be the guardians of power (just like women are the guardians of sex) and to be violent and therefore a man is always loocked upon with suspicion. A man cannot afford to express weakeness, if he do, he is doomed beyond repair. And to be sincerely heard and be taken serious he must use force, he most show power, otherwise he is a wimp to be trampled on. A weak powerless man, is not a man, is a sub-human loser. To be held at the same moral consideration… Read more »