Tim Is A New Dad. Here are his observations of the journey so far.
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My first child was born six weeks ago today. From what I understand, my wife and I have been pretty lucky — he’s in good health and good spirits, he’s eats well and sleeps well. Honestly, it’s not nearly as difficult as I expected. It’s even, dare I say, kind of easy and a lot of fun. Still, the permanence and the absurdity of parenthood reveal themselves in small, unexpected ways.
1. They say babies change you. They don’t. You change babies. You change them a lot.
2. Babies are like Jell-O. As the keeper of this loose, gelatinous human your life becomes a miniature version of Weekend at Bernie’s. I’m not going to let this stinking baby spoil my summer.
3. Babies make good drinking partners. They never bogart the booze and they’re pretty good listeners. Plus, they’re always the first man down. Dad’s the drinking champ again. Baby’s a lightweight.
4. Getting pooped and peed on isn’t that big of a deal. I assumed it would be a drag, which is why I avoided it completely for three decades and then some. But, turns out you shake it off. I recommend you wear swim trunks as much as possible. It just makes things easier for everyone involved.
5. The social media engagement rate on baby pics is stupidly high. If you work in advertising, every deck you present to the client should be one slide only: Baby + [Your Product] = $$$.
6. Dadbod is real and it’s a real bummer. Thanks, family and friends for filling my freezer with pasta and Girl Scout Cookies. Good looking out. On a positive note, while I had my nose in the fridge, my wife already lost her baby-weight.
7. Your house will become a giant fart. Go ahead, baby, blame the dog. Everyone else does.
8. Babies’ interests are simple — boobs, sleep, lights. Chip off the old block. Oh yeah, you’ll start telling dad jokes. Nobody, including you, will find them amusing. You don’t have a choice.
9. A warm baby is a happy baby. A sweaty dad is a sad dad. Keep a bottle for baby and a cold beverage for dad nearby.
10. Your dog will be concerned and confused. Let the dog sniff the baby a little, and throw his ball. Poor dog.
11. You’ll refer to the pediatrician as “the vet.” That’s OK.
12. I take great pride in my son’s neck strength and his, let’s say, full diaper. I like to compliment him every chance I get. Nature, nurture? Who knows.
13. You’ll feel a need to apologize to your own parents for what you put them through. But then Grandma and Grandpa will laugh while you change a diaper and you’ll decide to keep your apology to yourself.
14. You’ll have a whole new relationship with boobs. They’re out so frequently you’ll grow indifferent to them. But then again you won’t. It’s delightful, it’s painful, it’s confusing. Turns out you and the dog have a lot in common these days. Just try to be helpful.
15. You’ll love your wife more than ever. It’s sappy but it’s true. Watching your wife become a mother is amazing, and it’s my favorite Father’s Day gift.
Tim Chilcote is Founder of MoJu Creative. Follow him on Twitter @TimChilcote and Instagram @Tim_Chilcote.
Top photo: Flickr/Jeremy Hall