Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a workshop put on by Parent Action for Healthy Kids, called Talk Early & Talk Often. Here’s the blurb from their website describing it:
Talk Early & Talk Often® is a nationally recognized workshop aimed at helping parents of middle & high school youth talk with their children about abstinence and sexuality. The workshop helps parents recognize and use opportunities to open the door for conversation, listen and respond with greater confidence and skill and to feel comfortable seeking outside sources of information.
I’m not going to present the entire workshop here, as there is no way I could do it justice. I’ll instead talk about my reactions to it, and highlight what I think are the important points. And while this entire workshop can be broadened to a wide variety of topics (LGBTQ, religion, drugs, smoking, alcohol, race), this one centered on sex. The highly simplistic view of this workshop is common sense: talk to your kids, know their interests and friends, be involved and interested in them. However, it would be a grave error to stop there, because execution of these are difficult, age-dependent, and often blocked by our own fears and lack of knowledge. This workshop is aimed to cut through all of that. Yes, talking about your precious child having sex is difficult. Yes, the idea of them getting all manner of input from the playground is rather terrifying. And even worse, reading statistics about what kids engage in during high (and middle) school sends chills up my spine. So what am I going to do? Hide in fear and hope it will work itself out? No, I’m going to take action and use my voice, because that is something I am in control of. Ultimately, I can’t control what my kids do, but I CAN control some of the input they get. So I want to make sure that input is correct, aligns with my family values, and is heard. One of the fun by-products about this workshop is that it also shines a light on values, providing an opportunity to further develop and mature them. Let’s look at some of the broader topics:
Prepare: The first part, for me, is to prepare some groundwork. This means having some things already figured out before questions come from out of the blue. This groundwork also helps bring these subjects closer to the forefront of the brain, making teachable moments easier to identify. This is how I maintain my mindfulness around this particular aspect of parenting. To be aware of, and connected to, what’s happening around me.
- Know the subject matter. Know the proper terms for body parts and encourage their use (it’s not a wee-wee, it’s a penis). This helps make proper terms less taboo and uncomfortable, and sets kids up for success when talking about medical issues. Learn about STDs, effects of different drugs, smoking, etc. The most poignant example of this is a nurse’s advice to me. She said “Don’t ever tell a child that a terminally ill person is ‘sick’. Because when that patient dies, the child will associate anyone sick (like their mom with a cold) with their imminent death. Tell them the accurate truth.”
- Know that all of this information is just that: information. Don’t judge it. If you do, you’ll project that judgement when you talk about it to your child, when the main point is to affirm and inform.
- Figure out how all this fits into your value system. Is pre-marital sex acceptable? Is taking drugs acceptable? Which ones? Why? This helps flesh out answers when the hard questions pop up, and lends authority to your answers.
- Confront your fears: Your daughter will develop feelings for other people. Your son will have sex. They will eventually try all the things you did (perhaps more, perhaps sooner) and you will only be an asset to them if you accept this instead of ignoring it. So talk about it with other parents to normalize it. Talk about it with your kids in an open, interested, non-confrontational way. Practice role-playing with other parents (one of the best parts about the workshop).
Be curious: One of the best ways to lessen the shock of being caught off-guard by hard questions that appear out of nowhere (“How did fractions go today, son?” “Good. Do we have a beer bong?”) is to be curious, aware, and interested in what your kid does and who they hang out with. This is NOT investigative work. It is connecting with and communicating with someone, to build a trusting relationship. Just like with your significant other. If you’re interested in their Minecraft hobby (despite perhaps being distasteful to you personally), your kid will see that you’re interested in him and be more open to talking about ALL things (not just Minecraft). If you’re not, any subject (including hard ones) will be difficult and awkward to talk about.
Also, teach them. One of the things I consider a perk of parenting, is the ability to show the world to my children. There are so many shiny beautiful things and people and ideas that I want them to experience. So I make it a point to show and foster curiosity in them whenever I can. Same as before, when the practice of showing them things is normalized, showing them what a beer bong is (or anal plug, vibrator, whatever) won’t be a complete shock to them. Just another interesting thing in the world.
- The workshop taught door openers and closers. Be open and interested when difficult subjects arise, not judgmental or confrontational. Remember, you want to foster acceptance and have a conversation, not interrogate and be angry. Use phrases like “that’s interesting”, and “what do you think?”, but not “where’d you hear that from?” or “that’s just wrong.”
- Be conversational and talk to them about what fun things they did with their friends, and what new ideas they learned.
- Monitor their internet use. Yep, I said it. In my opinion teens have no privacy till they pay for their own bills. Again, the point isn’t judgmental interrogation, but rather to see where their interests lay, find teachable moments, and give you a heads up on impending scary topics.
- Teachable moments: when you find opportunities in the media, real life, or personal experience, introduce them to you child. If two boys are kissing on TV, talk about it. Why are they kissing? What are they feeling? Do you ever feel like that? It is, in fact, okay for boys to kiss boys or girls or both, and vice-versa. What other people do isn’t wrong, just different. Is this something you should be doing right now? Why or why not? Again, this is an opportunity to discover what info your child has about a subject, to possibly clear up mis-information, affirm acceptance of differences, and teach consequences not immediately apparent.
Respond to questions: This is the “easy-on-paper-not-in-practice” section of the workshop. What was presented was a toolset for how to not panic and freak out. Because this is a valuable skill, no matter how well you prepare yourself. When a question does come up, the very first thing you have to do, is decide to address it instead of ignoring it. You HAVE to decide to address it. Even if you’re scared. Even if you don’t know. Even if you don’t want to. This is part of parenting. The list below is not specific to this article. It is in fact the basic tenants of successful communication. But we tend to forget these when you find thongs in your 12 year old’s laundry, so it bears refreshing.
- Take a deep breath. No really. It helps do a bunch of things. Personally for me, I get a few precious seconds of processing time and try to remember not to panic.
- Be validating by mentioning that this is a good question. Be affirming by not panicking or getting angry, and by being open and accepting. Maybe throw in a hug for good measure.
- Clarify the question. Ask a few door-opener questions just to make sure you understand what’s being asked. You want to answer the right question, after all!
- Answer the question. You don’t have to be right, but you have to try. If you don’t know the answer, say that. Be genuine and you will build trust. Say you don’t know and will find out. And you HAVE to find out and return, because otherwise you will lose that trust you built. Explain why. Explain how your answer fits in to your value system. Hopefully that will help the understanding part, because the value system has already been introduced and is not ANOTHER new concept (see above Prepare section).
- Check to make sure they got the message you intended to communicate. Ask them how they understood it. Do they have clarifying or follow-up questions? Remember they may not agree, like, or accept your input. In fact, this is a good indication they heard you!
Be compassionate: I get it. This subject matter and the ideas outlines are not easy. Parenting in general, is not easy. But then, parenting isn’t about always doing the easy thing. Quite often we have to do the hard thing. Having to adapt. Having to learn new skills. Making the best decisions with limited info and delayed consequences. If you are trying, you are already doing the best you can. And you can’t do better than your best, so be compassionate to yourself. You will not get everything perfect. You will make mistakes, some big, some small. But raising a child isn’t about getting everything perfect. It’s about the journey, and how you want to spend the time with your child(ren) on that journey.
Speaking of which, be compassionate with your children too. They are doing the best they can, learning literally as they go, trying to catch up to the world. They are in their own world trying to adapt and incorporate a huge tidal wave of input into frameworks and larger ideas. Be patient and understanding with them. Remember that you were their age once, and just as confused and overwhelmed. Maybe not the exact same way or at the same age, but you were. What would you have wanted in that space? Be the parent you wanted as a kid.
Before I end, I want to pose the practice role-play question that I got from my ‘teen’ in the workshop: “William said if I have a few beers it doesn’t hurt as much the first time and I won’t feel guilty.” I honestly thought I was ready, being a fairly progressive, open-minded, sex-positive father, but I just sat there, mouth agape, slowly having a stroke. I had no idea what to say. Actually, that’s not true. I was overwhelmed with what to say. So I decided the first thing I need to do is separate the issues and work them independently instead of all at once. I mean hell, that wasn’t even a question! So I challenge you, Gentle Reader, with this same ‘question’ in mind, reread the article. Then practice with someone how to answer it yourself. Think of some other practice questions. Perhaps ones from when you were a kid. I’ll help:
“How do turtles make baby turtles?”
“How old were you when you tried LSD-laced mushrooms?”
“How big of a pot do I need to make a pot brownie?”
“I’ve decided to stop wearing underwear to school.”
“Where are my boobs, and what’s wrong with me?”
“Why does Sasha get to wear that but I can’t? It’s not fair and you’re a bad father!”
“Look at this funny balloon!” (triumphantly holding up a used condom found in the grass)
Kids will always surprise you, you can’t be prepared for everything. But the more you’ve practiced answering these questions the more prepared you’ll be for the questions that take you by surprise.
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Photo: Getty Images