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Ariel Chesler is the proud father of two daughters, and there are no gaps in his happiness that can only be filled by having a son. So stop asking!
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Dear Inquisitive Onlooker:
You’ve seen me walking down the street with my daughters, or maybe we met in the park, or at a community event, or the supermarket, or maybe near my office. And, you saw how happy I was, and how happy they were, and you commented on how cute they were (thanks again).
But, then after all the pleasantries and compliments, you still decided to ask me if I was planning to “try for a boy”as if you concluded that something was missing from the picture, that my life purpose had not been fulfilled, that I was perhaps still pursuing happiness for lack of a son.
Do I have a title to hand down of which I am unaware? Will I be unable to leave my daughters the nonexistent family estate? Are we living in Downton Abbey now?
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I’m a polite person and so I probably nodded and smiled or told you that I wasn’t sure, or responded: “we’ll see.”
But, borrowing from Ludacris, I should have told you: “Get back, Get back, you don’t know me like that!” Who are you to assume I am wanting? Who are you to assume I am unsatisfied with my daughters? Why are there so many of you with the same assumption?
Is there something I am missing? Should I be worried about primogeniture? Do I have a title to hand down of which I am unaware? Will I be unable to leave my daughters the non-existent family estate? Are we living in Downton Abbey now?
Is there something my daughters can’t do or something I can’t do with my daughters? Hunting and fishing? I don’t do those anyway. Getting peed on by a penis while changing a diaper? No thanks! (Full disclosure: I have been peed on by a baby girl in between diaper changes).
Did I send the earth off its axis by playing basketball with my daughter or by letting her hit a ball off a tee? I did? I’m sorry about that.
For the record: I am extremely happy to have daughters and so proud of them!
There’s nothing wrong with having a son. I would enjoy having a son. In fact, I would love to raise a son and teach him that he is no more or less important than his sisters, that he is of equal value to women, and that he has the freedom to do and be anything he desires. I might even be a little envious of good men who have the chance to raise future good men. But, I don’t need a son and certainly wouldn’t prefer a son to a daughter.
The problem is that, in assuming that I can’t possibly be satisfied with having daughters, you are perpetuating the ancient and awful tradition of preferring boys to the detriment of girls, and you are devaluing my daughters. Please stop it!
Maybe you are not aware that this type of anti-girl bias is serious. What does it mean that, as recently as 2011, 40 percent of Americans and 49 percent of American men prefer to have a son and only 26 percent of Americans prefer a daughter? In India, and China, with its one-child policy, this bias means gendercide where girl fetuses are aborted in favor of trying for a boy, and infanticide too.
While I certainly don’t envision a similar problem in this country, reproductive technology that allows for the pre-selection of the sex of a baby has apparently become a multimillion-dollar industry here. But, you must ask yourself why you prefer boys or assume that I do, and consider what impact that has on you and the girls and women in your life. Certainly, the psychological impact is real, and girls will suffer tangible consequences if they are not given the same resources or attention or encouragement that would be given to a boy by parents who prefer boys. We should talk about how we’ve all internalized sexism and rethink how we value girls. And, if anyone is unhappy or dissatisfied with having girls, to paraphrase another rap artist – Ice Cube – they better check themselves before they wreck themselves and their daughters.
My three-year-old daughter has recently started asking me if certain characters in books and cartoons are boys or girls. After answering her questions, I ask her: “Why is that important?” And, I’m asking you the same thing now.
Sincerely,
A Proud Dad of Daughters
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And how do you know they are assuming you want or need a son? Honestly, when I stated reading the article, I thought it was a woman writing and how dramatic she was being. Perhaps the stranger was just trying to spark up a conversation? They don’t know you, that’s why they are entitled to ask you, perhaps they had word it incorrectly. Obviously it’s how you perceived it.
I COMPLETELY agree with this article in most ways. It’s horrible how we view boys as being more valuable than girls even in today’s society. I’m a feminist myself and am still shocked at the double standards and inequality in this country. I would argue, however, how you know someone asking you if you’ll “try for a son” is actually sexist, or just curiosity? Of course, it’s very possible that their tone or some other conversations you had with them let you know their thought was coming from a very sexist “boys are better’ place, but I can’t say I… Read more »
They know where babies come from. So, this is basically a total stranger asking you about your sex life. Where do people get the nerve to ask stuff like that?
They may as well walk right up and ask you if you and wife like the missionary position. What the hell?
I have three grown sons and four grandsons. There hasn’t been a girl born into my bloodline in more than 100 years (that’s four generations). I very much wanted to have a girl, and I desperately wanted to have a granddaughter. Still hoping I’ll live long enough to experience that. In today’s America, given how boys and young men are doing and the lack of attention they are getting (as compared to girls and young women), it’s perfectly rational to want to have a girl. When I read Hanna Rosin’s piece in The Atlantic in June 2010, titled “The End… Read more »
How weird – “end of boys”, really? I don’t see this happening here… must be true in your country. Here where I live, South America, all dads want a boy – and many mums too because it makes their man happier if they have a son. And those who end up having girls believe they are their mother’s problem. My own father has two daughters and prefers his step-son to us. I’m sorry that boys are so devalued where you live. All children should get the same love and opportunities. But in many places, girls are still emotionally devalued and… Read more »
Interesting thought that I didn’t see mentioned yet… perhaps it’s not *entirely* gender bias but has something to do with the idea that people like balance – that a boy child would balance out all the Girl in your life? Are there stats for how many American men and women would prefer “one of each” ? (I’m at work and only have a moment to comment so I can’t go digging myself.) Anecdotally, I dare say most of the couples with whom I’ve discussed this express a wish for a boy and a girl. If they had two children of… Read more »
*Chuckles*
I was asked that before I had my son, now of course I get asked if we’re having another kid. (We’re not) When my wife was preggers we were asked what our preference was and she always said girl and I didn’t care though I leaned toward girl if pushed. Why? Because I had two younger brothers, and both of them ended up having all sons. I wanted to give my mom (who had five boys though two died as stillbirths) at least one granddaughter for her to dote on, but that’s just me. 🙂
I can almost see their side. When my brother’s wife was pregnant, they asked me to be the godfather for their child. I accepted and then started wishing that they would have a boy. I think part of it was uncertainty with playing with dolls, which surprised me because I had no problem playing with my sister and her doll collection when I was a child something about having gender conditioned into you I suppose. I worry more about girls than boys especially since we’d have an expectation that our boys would weight lift / take up martial arts even… Read more »
“But, you must ask yourselves why you prefer boys or assume that I do, and consider what impact that has on you and the girls and women in your life. Certainly, the psychological impact is real…”
I loved this. I have two girls and a boy, so I get to have both, but whenever I have been pregnant I have found the question “would you rather a boy or a girl?” to be absurd. I want a baby. Truly, really, no preference. Your girls have a smart Daddy.
Currently in the USA the most common preference is for girls and has been that way for a few decades………My personal top preference was a live child, followed by healthy,then bright, then kind & loving….. the sex of the child wasn’t even on that list.
Thank you for expressing so well what I’m experiencing every day. I’ve got 2 daughters of 1 and 3. And I’m living in Latin America. People in the streets – after saying how cute and everything – are sorry for me. They want to help me have a boy on the next try. Or sell me one.
I get the “You gonna try for a girl?” all the time. I do NOT see myself raising a girl. I would be terrified if she ended up like I was as a kid and teen. God help me.
I am so with you on this. We have two boys and got the question as well. Some posed it the second they saw our 2nd child was a boy. While it would be nice to have had a girl as well, the question was much and not cool.
Try this one:
“Trying for a boy?”
“No, getting my daughters circumcised was bad enough!”
Definitely a conversation stopper.
So when they answer you by decrying female genital mutilation and defending circumcision in the same breath…..?
I don’t know, I didn’t think that far ahead. The vast majority of people would be horrified and/or embarrassed. If you got someone who countered with that, then you’re dealing with someone who’s shameless anyway, and there’s no way to shut them down.
I suppose you could suggest slicing off the tip of their nose, but that seems like a needless escalation…..
Then you say, “so you won’t mind if I cut off one of your earlobes.”