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1) It’s never too early to start teaching the fundamentals of consent.
“Teach your kids that “no” and “stop” are important words and should be honored. One way to explain this may be, “Sarah said ‘no’, and when we hear ‘no’ we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.” If you’d ike to learn how to teach your kids consent from ages 1-21, read here.
2) Consider ideas for raising compassionate boys.
“My kids had seen me cry, and always reacted with concern and compassion, but what happened next was amazing. My five year old jumped up from the table. “Theo, come quick! We have to cheer up Mom!” he yelled.” Jenny Kanevsky expands on this story in her post “Raising Compassionate Boys.” Noticing and rewarding compassionate behaviors is light years away from the way previous generations had reacted when boys were compassionate—ie, by shaming them or calling them “girly”.
3) Read books with your children that encourage non-toxic masculinity.
“William’s Doll” tells the story of a boy who desperately wants a doll for a toy, despite being called a “creep” by his brother and a “sissy” by the boy who lives next door. “Sparkle Boy” is book about a boy with non-traditional gender expression. “The Red Crayon” tells a simple story about a crayon being miserable trying to be a color he is not. Find out more about these books and others like them that expand our ideas about masculinity.
4) Help dismantle the gender binary.
“Labels make things easier to categorize and allow us to apply a wide array of expectations without having to invest much energy. Thinking of gender as a distinct binary of female XX or male XY rather than a female-male spectrum limits our appreciation for the range of humanity. If I can’t label you as a man or a woman, by what other method can I determine how to treat you? Right?” Jen O’Ryan has dozens of posts that explore gender and identity.
5) Explain to your son(s) about societal pressures, and how they can make a conscious effort to ignore those pressures.
Kelly Flanagan talks about how NOT to teach your boy to be a man: “I was teaching him to be a man. I called out to the boy, asked him to come back, told him to look me in the eye, and then I said, “We want you here, but if you are feeling hurt about something, don’t hurt someone in return. Tell us about it, instead.” And with a force that surprised even the therapist in me, his water mains burst. Tears gushed forth and in a matter of seconds, this young boy was a sloppy street full of saline and snot. Feelings of rejection and isolation and loneliness poured forth and they flooded his face and they flooded my yard.”
6) There are some things you should say or do when you have sons, and there are some you should never say or do.
Never SAY: “What are we trying to teach when we tell a kid to man up? We want him to be strong, we want him to feel a sense of internal resilience, and we don’t want him to give up. These are features we attribute to men we admire and are good lessons for kids to learn. But when we associate those qualities only with masculinity, aren’t we teaching our kids that girls can’t be strong? The deeper problem is that “manning up” is also synonymous with pushing down your feelings. Denying an urge to cry or show “softer” emotions, or keeping hurt feelings locked up inside is harmful to everyone – not just kids.”
Never DO: “Don’t presume they’re going to grow up to date girls. Using gender-neutral pronouns when talking about marriage or dating benefits all kids – not just the ones who might grow up to be gay or bisexual. For instance, instead of saying, “When you get married, you and your wife will make decisions together,” we say, “When you grow up, you and the person you marry will make decisions together.””
7) Understand why a son might look up to his dad for being ‘manly,‘ and why it’s worth thinking about.
“When I look at [my sons], I sometimes wonder how manly they’ll think I am when their supple minds become flooded by media. The stereotypical American image of manliness—still perpetuated by the mass media—hasn’t changed a whole hell of a lot since the ’50s, which is sad because its hallmark trait to me is that it’s total bullshit.” Josh Tyson’s son looks up to him for being ‘manly’. Josh isn’t sure that’s the way it should be. He tells this story with insight and humor in “The Fence-Jumping, Battery Charging Dad.”
8) Fathers should never, ever, ever be told they are babysitting their kids. Even as a joke. Be a good role model for your son when it comes to parenting.
(a) “No father should ever be labeled a babysitter. Collectively we are better than that, better than some misguided notion of fatherhood. We, single dads, step dads, adopted dads, and biological dads are all just one thing: dads. I haven’t babysat in so long because I started being a parent instead of some placeholder only necessary when mom isn’t around. We get a pretty bum rap in public and in the media. Somehow, a dad actually being a dad gets looked at as some kind of aberration.”
(b) “Being a parent is a really tough and often thankless job. In our society, we are socialized from almost infancy to believe that a woman will be completely fulfilled solely from becoming a wife and mother, and that men are uncaring, cold people who couldn’t possibly care for a baby as well as a woman naturally would.”
(c) “Look, I’m not saying that I’m going to explode in your face if you call me a babysitter. But you’ll get a death stare from me and probably a few words that you’ll wish I hadn’t said. Stop perpetuating the archaic stereotype that dads are the lesser of the parents. Guess what? Parenting is typically a team sport, and our team is 50/50. So, call me a dad, a father, ask me how my day of parenting my kids is going. Just don’t call me a babysitter. You’re better than that.”
9) Accept your son, however he is: coming out as gay, having Down syndrome, or being different are all just a part of life.
Coming Out: “A recorded reel flowed out of my mouth, I was proud of him for being so self aware. I always knew he was special and if this is what gay was…happy, exuberant, engaged in all parts of life, a defender and champion of underdogs. Being human. I was all for it. Looking into his green eyes, I let him know he had done a good thing, then babbled on some more about love and acceptance and how he would always have it, even as my body fought to shake its way out of my skin.”
Down Syndrome: “I leaned forward and said, “Not everyone sees your super power, so some people just see someone who needs help for some reason.” This piece of information resonates and my son starts laughing. I continued, “The thing is, Daddy and I always wish we were better parents, but we never wish you didn’t have your Down syndrome superpowers.” That is absolutely true.”
10) Encourage critical thinking.
“In order for boys and girls to be successful in life, they must learn how to trust their decisions. Your child needs to be confident in trusting his or her instincts. Boys and girls who trust their own decisions—and understand how to make good ones—are less likely to participate in unhealthy behaviors.” Explore 10 more ways to encourage your children to become critical thinkers here.
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