Steven Covey wrote a book titled , “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. In it, he outlines seven habits that highly effective people have in common.
I am no guru on highly effective people, but I know a thing or two about highly effective lovers. First let me define what I mean by this term.
“A highly effective lover” is someone who is able to create and maintain a mutually satisfying and passionate relationship with their partner. They are able to do this by consistently exhibiting certain habits in their relationship.
My friend, Roberto, is the reason I came up with this term. All his relationships are a thing of beauty that you want to aspire to. In the past, even when it has not worked out with an ex, he managed to part ways on good terms.
Roberto is a highly effective lover.
So, what are the habits of a highly effective lover? There are many factors that contribute to being a highly effective lover, but I believe there are ten key habits that are the most essential. If you can master these ten habits, you will be well on your way to becoming a highly effective lover.
Here are the 10 Habits Of Highly Effective Lovers
1. They are excellent communicators
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
Highly effective lovers are excellent communicators. They know how to communicate effectively with their significant other.
They know the importance of effective communication in a relationship. Effective communication entails being able to express your needs and desires to your partner, and also being a good listener. Highly effective lovers are able to do both of these things consistently.
They know that it is essential to keep the lines of communication open with their partner in order to maintain a healthy and passionate relationship.
According to communication expert, Dr Vincent Covello, “Couples who have great communication skills are able to connect with each other on a deeper level. This connection allows them to understand and support each other’s needs and wants. As a result, they are able to maintain a strong emotional bond which is the key to a lasting and passionate relationship.”
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2. They are fully present in the moment
Highly effective lovers are present when they are with their partner.
They are fully engaged and focused on the person they are with. They are not thinking about their to-do list, or what they need to do when they get home.
Roberto confided in me that in all his relationships, he has always made a point of being fully present when he is with his partner. He told me that he believes this is one of the main reasons his relationships have been so successful.
When you are fully present in the moment, your partner feels valued and important. It conveys the message that they are the only person in the world that matters to you at that moment.
According to love therapist Margaret M. Love, “Couples who are able to be fully present with each other often report feeling more connected and closer to their partner. Being present also allows you to be more in tune with your partner’s needs and can help prevent misunderstandings.”
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3. They are generous
Highly effective lovers are generous people.
They are generous with their time, their emotions, their attention, and their affection. They know that in order to maintain a healthy and passionate relationship, they need to be generous with their partner.
They understand that their partner needs to feel loved and cared for, and they are always looking for ways to show their partner how much they mean to them.
One of the best ways to show your partner you care is to be generous with your time. Make sure to set aside quality time for your partner, without any other commitments. Roberto told me that in all his relationships, he has always made a point of setting aside at least two hours every week to spend time with his partner, and refill her love tank.
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4. They know their partner’s love language and love them accordingly
Highly effective lovers know their partner’s love language and love them accordingly. They know that everyone expresses and receives love differently, and they make an effort to love their partner in the way that they need to be loved.
The love languages were popularized by Dr Gary Chapman. In his book , The 5 Love Languages, he outlines the five different ways that people express and receive love. They are:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Receiving Gifts
4) Acts of Service
5) Physical Touch
If you’re not sure what your partner’s love language is, you can take a quiz to find out.
Once you know your partner’s love language, make an effort to love them in that way. If their love language is quality time, then spend time with them doing things they enjoy. If their love language is acts of service, then do something for them that you know they would appreciate.
By making an effort to love your partner in the way they need to be loved, you will deepen your connection with them and strengthen your relationship.
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5. They are honest and loyal to their partner
“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” — Thomas Jefferson
Highly effective lovers are honest and loyal to their partner. They understand that trust is the foundation of any relationship, and they would never do anything to jeopardize that trust.
They are honest with their partner about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They also keep their promises, and they are loyal to their partner, no matter what.
They do not leave their partner wondering if they are cheating on them.
Being honest and loyal to your partner is one of the best ways to show them that you love and respect them. It conveys the message that you are committed to them and that you value your relationship.
Roberto told me that he has always been honest and loyal to his partners, and that he believes this is one of the main reasons his relationships have lasted so long.
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6. They make an effort to understand their partner’s needs
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” — Ernest Hemingway
Highly effective lovers make an effort to understand their partner’s needs. They know that every person is different, and that each person has their own unique set of needs.
As such, they make it a point to get to know their partner’s needs and to try to meet those needs as best they can.
One way to do this is to simply ask your partner what they need from you. Another way is to pay attention to the things they complain about or the things they say they wish you would do.
By making an effort to understand and meet your partner’s needs, you will make them feel loved, appreciated, and respected.
According to love coach and therapist Margaret M. Love, one of the best ways to show your partner you love them is to try to understand and meet their needs.
Roberto shared with me that he makes it a point to ask his partner what she needs from him on a regular basis. He said that this has helped him to be a more effective lover and to keep his relationship strong.
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7. They are patient with their partner
“Patience is a virtue.” — Unknown
Highly effective lovers are patient with their partner. They know that no relationship is perfect , and that there will be times when their partner makes mistakes or does something that frustrates them.
Instead of getting angry or reacting emotionally, they remain calm and patient. They understand that their partner is only human, and they are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
According to relationship expert John Gray, author of the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, one of the most important things you can do for your relationship is to be patient with your partner.
Roberto told me that he has always been a very patient person, and that this has helped him to be a more effective lover. He said that when his partner makes mistakes or does something that frustrates him, he remains calm and patient.
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8. They are good at resolving conflict with their partner
“Arguing is the absolute worst thing you can do for your relationship.” — Shannon L. Alder
Highly effective lovers are good at resolving conflict with their partner. They know that all couples argue from time to time, but they also know that it’s important to resolve those arguments in a healthy way.
They avoid yelling, name-calling, and other forms of emotional abuse. Instead, they focus on communicating calmly and respectfully. They also try to see things from their partner’s perspective and to find common ground.
According to psychologist John Gottman, author of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples who are good at resolving conflict are more likely to have happy and successful relationships.
Roberto told me that he is very good at resolving conflict with his partner. He said that he always tries to see things from her perspective, and that he is able to communicate calmly and respectfully, even when they are arguing.
They avoid introducing toxicity in their relationship.
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9. They are willing to make sacrifices for their partner
“Love is not love unless you are willing to make some sacrifices.” — Unknown
Highly effective lovers are willing to make sacrifices for their partner. They know that relationships require work, and they are willing to put in the effort.
They are also willing to make sacrifices when it comes to their own needs and desires. If their partner needs something from them, they are usually more than happy to provide it.
According to relationship expert and author Gary Chapman, one of the most important things you can do for your partner is to be willing to make sacrifices for them.
Roberto told me that he is always willing to make sacrifices for his partner. He said that he understands that relationships require work, and he is willing to put in the effort. He also said that he is usually more than happy to provide whatever his partner needs from him.
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10. They are always learning and growing
“The couple that grows together, stays together.” — Unknown
Highly effective lovers are always learning and growing. They know that relationships are always changing , and they are constantly trying to learn more about their partner and how to be a better lover.
They read books, attend workshops, and see therapists to work on their relationship. They are also always trying to improve themselves, so that they can be the best possible partner for their lover.
According to relationship expert John Gray, one of the most important things you can do for your relationship is to constantly try to learn and grow.
Roberto told me that he is always learning and growing. He said that he reads books, attends workshops, and sees therapists to work on his relationship. He also said that he is constantly trying to improve himself, so that he can be the best possible partner for his lover.
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Final Thoughts
Being an effective lover requires a lot of work and dedication. However, it is definitely worth it, because happy and successful relationships are the best!
If you want to be a more effective lover, try to adopt some of these habits.
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Your Thoughts
- Are you a highly effective lover?
- Are these habits indicative of what you exercise in your relationships?
Let me know in the comments section.
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Thank you for reading.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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