I think we have all experienced the same back and forth.
Am I selfish for focusing on my needs as I join a relationship, or should I be upfront and be open about what my partner can do to support me?
The answer is to be sure that your needs are from a desire to grow and show up as the best version of yourself in the relationship. You know, two people working together.
Taking a slight step back, Do we ever discuss what we need to have a healthy relationship with ourselves?
Do you know your needs and boundaries related to your behaviors and how you “show up” in relationships?
We might ask ourselves these questions, but do we ever create action items so we have a model for our partner to follow? For ourselves to follow?
Every attachment style has a set of needs but also boundaries they should set as they learn to grow out of their current attachment style.
Remember that I do not write for people to stay complacent in their growth journey. I am writing so you can develop skills and action items as you transition to a secure attachment style.
Let’s look at some boundaries and action items the dismissive-avoidant can create to set the building blocks for a healthy relationship.
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Set the clock
I assume you know this by now, but if you are new to attachment theory and are learning about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, then you want to know one of the core needs for the dismissive-avoidant.
Independence.
While the dismissive-avoidant thrives in independence, it does not mean it’s a healthy need in a relationship.
It can turn into shutting down, distancing yourself from your partner, and spiraling into unhealthy behavior.
The key is to set a boundary for yourself and your partner that allows you some form of space but also does not give you the ability to isolate yourself.
The best way to accomplish this is to tell your partner you need time to process. On top of that, you have to explain what you need time to think about.
The main piece is to set a time limit that you use internally but also relay that to your partner.
It is not only for times when you face conflict, but it can arise when you’re answering a simple question.
It may sound like a simple boundary for others to set, but the dismissive-avoidant often uses separation for relief and avoidance rather than a time to process and think.
Time limits make you use the time to process and not run and alleviate your partner from the feeling of abandonment. We are talking minutes and maybe hours, not days and weeks.
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Set the platform
Dismissive avoidants have a strong opinion about volatility and arguments; they hate both.
The problem is they feel the burden of criticism and lack of harmony when in conflict.
It can feel like a personal attack when someone is making observations about an action they made or a behavior they show.
The dismissive-avoidant must set the stage for what a healthy disagreement looks like to them.
The DA is often surprised they hear something is misaligned in their relationship.
Again, it goes back to the need for processing.
As a DA, you set the stage and model for your partner to use when approaching you with something that can snowball into conflict.
Give them keywords that will not give you the shock of receiving negative feedback.
I find it helpful to tell your partner to describe how they feel about the issue rather than beginning with how they perceive it to be an intentional act on your end.
“I feel hurt that I was not part of your plans for the weekend” will be better than “You’re mean for leaving me out of your plans.”
You know the keywords that cause you to shut down.
You need someone to restructure their verbiage so it doesn’t sound accusatory, communicate that.
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Turtle vs the hare
Dismissive avoidants don’t connect with intimacy as quickly as others.
A lack of an immediate connection to intimacy causes a delay in the union for a partnership.
You have to be aware that other people do not operate the same way as you do if you are the DA.
You have to be fair to someone giving you their time and energy but also be honest and not rush into a relationship.
The last boundary is one that you have to set against yourself. Ironic, I know.
While you’re patient and hesitant to jump into a relationship, you should realize that sometimes you are not jumping into anything.
Pass your fear of commitment and believe you are in a healthy, loving dynamic.
You use your doubts and fear of vulnerability and cast that as the reason you move at a slow pace.
Since you safeguard against vulnerability, it shows up in your timeline for opening yourself up to your partner.
It takes time to open up and let go of the fears of allowing someone in your space, but you have to set the boundary that the timeline has to be shorter, and some good faith has to be in the equation.
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Want to learn about the triggers that lead to dismissive avoidants having these boundaries? Get a free guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Roberto Nickson on Unsplash
