You know the exact scene I am about to describe.
You are out shopping, or at a coffee shop, or out at the bars.
Out of nowhere, you look and see a girl you find extremely attractive.
Let’s cut this scene off and stop here.
I will not downplay and dismiss the effect attraction has on your mind and actions.
It is overwhelming.
You can have a routine day, and suddenly you are taken by anxiety.
You feel pressure and think you are in the middle of a once-in-a-lifetime moment.
I am going to say something, and if it hurts your feelings, you have to view it as an opportunity for growth.
If you struggle with women or approaching them, your struggle has more to do with how you view women than how they view you.
Let me explain.
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The Pedestal
The first piece of advice I have for you is to stop putting women on a pedestal.
Now let us clear out a few notes before people get offended.
- That does not mean that when you court a woman, she does not deserve special treatment at some point. Keep in mind: at some point.
- That does not mean you should treat her as less than others.
Before you have even met this person, you have created a story about how amazing they are.
That person somehow comes with all these positive characteristics you apply to them purely off their looks.
You somehow have to prove your worth to them instead of seeing yourself as someone with equal value.
There is no need to explore how they meet this qualification list you automatically uplifted them through.
Do you see what I am getting at here?
You are not viewing them as a person in the same arena as you.
Use this ten-second practice, and I promise that if you successfully implement it, you will alleviate that initial anxiety.
- Seconds 1–3: Acknowledge how beautiful that woman is.
- Seconds 4–6: Kill every thought you just had.
- Seconds 7–10: Put a checkmark around the attraction and disqualify it from why you want to talk to the person.
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No signs
A mistake I see a lot of men making is this false sense of availability and attraction.
You think because you are attracted to someone, that is your window to go and talk to them.
We can get into reasons you get rejected, but sometimes a cold approach catches someone off guard.
Slow down
It is almost like getting approached with a pop quiz.
Instead, look for common signs that someone notices you and wants you to approach them.
- Direct eye contact
- Repetitive glances
- Placing themself in closer proximity to you
Yes, these are the signs dating coaches have preached since the 80s, but guess what? They are the signs cause they happen subconsciously and are hard to control.
If you want a cold approach, I will be honest with you. What I can tell you about the cold approach is that you will get rejected, but you will have success too.
Success comes with numbers, however. If you are nervous about approaching women in general, then I do not suggest you go that route.
The last piece of advice works for someone who has shown you signs of attraction, and it applies to the cold approach.
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Common ground
Men freeze up because they mustered up the courage to approach someone, but guess what happens when you get there?
You either freeze up, have nothing of depth to say, or have a wack-ass line prepped.
Kill that.
Look for common ground.
If you do not have common ground, you accept the L and move on to the next.
Common ground can come in many forms, but if you are at the bar, it can be as simple as asking someone what they are drinking. What someone is drinking says something about their personality and can be a conversation starter.
Nothing starts a conversation easier than asking someone where they got an article of clothing. Women will never turn down a chance to talk about their swag.
Try to stay away from directly mentioning their looks.
You are struggling because you are trying to create depth in an initial introduction.
Do you want to know something women look for more than attraction?
Comfortability and security.
You can be the most attractive person in the world, but being creepy is an irreparable turn-off.
Half of your initial intro has to be targeting comfortability. If you look like your goal is to approach this person, they will see right through it.
Chill. It is just a girl. have a conversation.
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After reading this article, I hope you realize the recipe is not as complex as you think.
You need to calm down and take a step back.
I know human interaction can be complex without adding attraction to the mix.
You are creating a novel in your head before opening the first page.
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Do you know what my genuine hope is?
I want my articles to be so obvious that they suck.
I want this to be common knowledge to you.
You got this. Go out there, head held high, and talk to the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Helena Lopes on Unsplash