I know what it feels like to go through a breakup.
Your day-to-day changed overnight, and you came face-to-face with a transition you didn’t know was coming.
There is a multitude of struggles that we have to navigate emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
This loss of connection can affect almost every facet of our everyday lives.
It becomes the center of your world, and everything you thought was meaningful in your life is superseded by this moment.
Well, what if I told you this did not have to be the stages you go through?
No, this isn’t one of those articles where I say the basics: go hang out with your friends, don’t watch sad movies, and go to the gym.
Seriously tho. Go hang out with your friends and stay active.
Breakups are painful, but what you do after a breakup causes you more pain than anything.
I am not telling you there is a quick-fix recipe. We all react differently to pain and what can feel like instant trauma.
I am telling you there is a way to avoid the loop of sadness.
There are also steps you can take if you want your ex back, although the shift in mindset in this article will guide you on who should be doing the work for that to happen.
What do I do?
I offer coaching lessons where I guide people through relationship issues centered around attachment theory/style.
Do you want to know what most people’s questions start with when they contact me?
What can I do to get them back?
The first step I want you to take is to remove this from your mindset.
At the surface, a breakup is someone analyzing the current state of the relationship and projecting issues they see into the future.
Subconsciously, a breakup is someone telling you they can do better and there is a more suitable partner elsewhere.
I know that sounds harsh, but in simple terms, it’s true.
The first thing you should do after a breakup is absolutely nothing.
The person you were in a relationship with said they no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you.
Why are you wondering what you can do to get them back?
“You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” is cliche, but those words hold power.
Let them experience what life is like without you. I’ll be honest. Most people experience relief, initially after a breakup.
The tables turn when their day-to-day life changes. They face the moments with you out of the picture. They deal with the consequences of their decision.
Ghost
The title of the bullet is what I want you to do next. Slow down, though. I am not telling you to ghost your ex that wants to have a follow up talk.
After a breakup, your ex expects you to beg and plead to get them back and change their mind.
Do you know what happens when you don’t? It shocks their system, even if it doesn’t hit them immediately.
Again, this might sound harsh, but to some degree, when someone breaks up with you, they think they are better than you.
What do you think happens in their mind when they break up with you and you, “I understand, and I wish you the best.”
When you don’t push back, keep your foot in the door, and ask for a call to talk it through, you have accomplished a few things:
- Your value and self-respect increase. You are your own person with or without them in your life.
- You show that you can respect someone’s decision without combating it with your opinion.
- You show that you can move on because you have options. You DO HAVE OPTIONS.
Most of you have heard of the no-contact rule, but it is the direct line to showing your partner that you are ok without them and you’re not sitting on the edge of your bed waiting for them to call.
No texts, no calls, no seeing how the cat is doing, no “just checking in,” no reminders of great moments, no sharing pictures, no getting information through friends. NOTHING.
The social scene
The last bullet is a little cliche but aligns with no contact.
I remember I went through a breakup in an on-and-off relationship years ago, and I was still “friends” with my ex on social media.
She looked like she was having the time of her life and enjoying being single.
Do you know what she said to me when she came back in the picture? Those moments were not as great as they seemed.
I am not telling you to unfriend and block your ex on social media if you want them back, but there are options to mute, hide, and remove their stories and posts from your feed.
Social media allows you to capture highlights and show the exciting moments in your life.
How often have you been in public and seen someone take a photo or selfie with a smile showing all 32 teeth and, immediately after, go back to a dull face?
Don’t fall for the illusion of social media.
Don’t stalk your ex’s page and think it gives any insight into their life.
Also, don’t stop enjoying your life. You don’t have to go to Zero Dark Thirty and stop posting or enjoying moments with your friends.
Don’t be fake about it, though.
You don’t have to show yourself at the club or out with the mysterious second wine glass or “living your best life now that you’re single.”
Do you know how many times I have talked with friends, and they asked me a question about something an ex posted?
It is meaningless and a waste of energy to try and gain any insight from social media platforms.
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (50$/hr). Here. or by email [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Dev Asangbam on Unsplash