I made a LOT of mistakes back when I was dating. Decades of bad partners, stressful situations, & traumatic moments had me failing at relationships… hard.
“Self-love” and true “kindness” were not in my vocabulary. My scarred past led to my weak relationship-building skills.
Could it be the same for your dating game?
If you’ve been in survival mode for years like I was, I suggest taking a deeper look at what that may have done to your relationship-game. Trauma is defined as ‘an emotional response to a terrible event… rape or natural disaster’ (*www.apa.org). They also state, ‘after the event, shock, and denial are typical.’ Going through traumas can impact every aspect of your life.
When we go through it, parts of us will be stunted. Survival becomes the only focus, as it should be.
But there’s a fix!
I used quite a few techniques to retrain my own brain and get to a more comfortable and confident version of myself. Along with putting everything you have into healing your stuff, I also recommend some behavior changes that will ease the way in your relationships.
These are some of the changes that I made as I worked on healing the past. I recommend these to anyone that is single, dating and has experienced trauma.
1. Practice talking about the darker parts of your life in an evolved way
One question that triggered a darker moment for me was ‘how did your last relationship end’?
On one of my first phone dates post-break-up, I blew this question. I wasn’t ready, and when asked about my last relationship, I mentioned that I had this ex-husband who deserted me when I was sick. I literally just went on and on. The guy got quiet for a while, and I’m pretty sure he was thinking to himself, ‘Thank you, next!’
Some time passed, and I did the work of processing and healing my past. I continued to meet guys for dates. I got asked this question again. And this time, I was ready. My now-husband asked about my ex during our first conversation. My online profile mentioned that I was divorced, and I guess he was curious.
I summarized the marriage as a situation where we both made lots of mistakes. But that I don’t believe in regrets in life, as you can learn from every experience. And left it there.
My husband told me later how impressed he was at the answer. Apparently, he was used to hearing negative stuff about exes whenever the topic came up. Whether he was speaking to friends or dates, everyone always blamed the ex after a break-up.
I’m bringing this up, not to boast, but rather to illustrate the concept of making peace with your past. Guys get very impressed when you demonstrate your evolution. If you can add a bit of wisdom that you gained from the experience, even better! Just the fact that you are acknowledging that you are human shows a level of being grounded that many people don’t even realize that they are missing.
This ability to focus on the positive will help you in other parts of your life.
The more prepared you are to answer difficult questions, the more relaxed you will be before a date. And the more pleasant the experience will be for both of you.
After you answer the question, I recommend moving on to a lighter subject. Please get back to having fun on the date and getting to know him better.
2. Get rid of anything that affects your judgment during a date
I get it; you’re busy. It would help if you focused on having a fairly clear head when evaluating how a date went and gauging compatibility.
For most of us, at least one time, we judged someone wrongly and got into a bad relationship. There were many of these in my past. After noticing that a few dates started well but then ended up less positive, I decided to look at some common factors. I noticed that with the evening dates, I had a drink every time. Before I ordered, I was in a more positive frame of mind, and after the alcohol kicked in, I started to be more judgmental in my thoughts about the guy.
So I decided to drink more slowly on dates or drink water. I noticed that there was no longer a sudden drop in my perception of the guy. If there was, it was due to something he was saying that was an issue.
Now, alcohol tends to affect me more strongly than it does others; there’s a good chance that this example does not apply in your case. But some factors can cause us to have less rational thoughts. When you pinpoint one, say distraction by your kids or not enough self-care, work to clear it, so it’s no longer a factor.
If you can improve this behavior, you will also stop beating yourself up silently about it. It will help you feel a lot more hopeful about the future. This translates into more confidence as you go on dates.
3. Figure out when you are grouchy and learn how to de-escalate in a pinch quickly
Do you ever get grouchy? Maybe not, but I certainly do!
This used to happen to me a lot on dates. Because I was so specific about who I was looking for, I did a lot of long-distance dating. This meant new men coming down to visit for weekend-long dates, starting on a Friday. When they showed up, I would often be exhausted after a long day at work and not in an optimal dating mood.
When I noticed it happening, I would take a few minutes away to regroup. I would repeat an affirmation like ‘you are amazing’ a few times to myself.
If like me, you sometimes need processing time after a questionable interaction, I have a tip. Box breathing is a quick way of taking your emotions back to neutral. Remember the 4–7–8 formula. Take in a breath over a count of 4, then count to 7 as you hold the breath, then release it over a count of 8. Do this once or twice, and you should quickly feel better. It will buy you that extra time you need.
Once you have the time, really consider the situation. Did that person mean to be rude? Was that their intention? Could you have misunderstood their meaning or intent?
You can then decide if you want to bring it up, or let it go and address if it happens again.
I recommend trying lots of strategies for this in your day to day. We are practically bombarded all day, every day, with triggers and sad news. Learning how to take in what you need to and disregard the rest will serve you well in life.
So those are my three big tips. I know the pain of bad dates, and I know the bliss of true connection. You deserve so much more joy in your life.
And it’s easy to get. You have to reach out and take it by making a few slight changes in your approach.
I had to learn the hard way, but you can have it better and easier than I did.
So it’s your turn to take action! Make a change and get better dates now! What’s one issue you can start working on to make dating easier? Share in the comments, and I’ll respond!
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Batel Studio on Unsplash