Before we begin, let’s take a quick moment to celebrate!
You’ve sifted through all the prospects and found someone who stood out.
You’ve found someone you have a connection with and are moving toward a serious relationship.
Congratulations!
No, I am not trolling, but I’ll follow that celebratory moment and bring us back to earth.
It is exciting to find happiness with someone you started dating exclusively.
You realize dating isn’t hopeless and that love still exists.
There is a flip side to that, and eventually, this phase goes into a transition.
We go from the honeymoon stage to the power struggle phase.
Not to bring darkness to our new ray of light, but relationships can fall apart here.
Sometimes that shiny new object isn’t so shiny anymore because, as time goes on, it becomes less “standard” to do the things it took to win you over.
Romance can quickly die once you lose those butterflies in your stomach and reality takes over.
So, let’s keep it alive.
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Needs > Wants
The first step in keeping the romance alive is being unforgiving or upfront about needs in a relationship.
We often talk about wants, and what we need gets thrown into the mix.
So what happens as a result?
It becomes a long list to tackle; some wants get covered, some needs get covered, while each of a few goes unattended.
You told your partner your needs, “didn’t I?”
Not exactly. When we are in the honeymoon stage, as your partner, we get caught up on doing everything right and putting all our efforts into each task, whether want or need.
Let’s get real here. Eventually, that slows down. Not to say that someone becomes careless, but you will prioritize some things over others. Let’s make sure those are our needs.
The honeymoon stage is a great time to enjoy what you are developing into over this phase. It is also a great time to set yourself up for the future.
Use this time to be clear about what your needs are
- Stating needs has to be in the form of action items and what that looks like to you. For example, “I need intentional time” is different than “dinner with no distractions is intentional time, in my opinion.”
- Set boundaries about what you will and won’t accept in a partnership; what are your deal breakers? What are the points of growth you’re still working to accomplish?
When you state your needs in this manner, it won’t come off as accusatory and will give your partner a clear vision of how to be successful in a relationship with you.
The goal is to avoid wants.
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Put some ice in it
Listen, I get it.
You’re excited, telling friends and family about this new person, and you can’t wait to go on your next date.
It might sound counterintuitive, but you have to chill.
I say this phrase all the time “let the cookies bake.” Don’t try to take them out of the oven so quickly.
In this phase of a relationship, we tell someone about ourselves, ask a million questions, and talk endlessly.
Similar to step one, this will slow down as well.
Then what happens?
Someone gets bored because “things aren’t like they used to be.”
It is fun to see someone’s name pop up on your phone as a text or call, but it is also wise to keep some time between those and the time that you see each other.
Now, I am not saying you should be manipulative in this action, but if you leave some space between you two, it will build attraction.
Remember, before this newfound relationship, you were single and independent.
Having someone enter your life and change your routine can transform from romantic to quickly overwhelming.
Keeping some form of space also builds the mystery that adds to the attraction; don’t be so distant that the wondering turns into distrust.
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Consult a kid
Remember how stiff a terrible date is?
Remember how meeting this new person who was the opposite of that horrible date made you feel?
You feel loose, open, and smiling ear to ear like a kid who is playing.
I know how much you want to leave a good impression and be cautious about the steps you take as you move forward, but if you are not having natural fun, it will never work.
Natural fun activities and actions are those items you do when nobody is around.
Do you need to consult a kid? No. I do want you to remember who the childish version of yourself is.
As we age, we transition into a life that “suits our age.”
There has to be a life outside of that.
I have never felt closer to a person than when we communicate and have a deep connection but flip at the snap of a finger and be joking the next second.
Be playful and show off the version of yourself that isn’t buttoned up.
There are a lot of turn-offs in the world, but someone you can not laugh with will kill a relationship over time.
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Chill, and don’t forget who you are.
Yes, take your relationship seriously. Don’t become consumed by it to the point where you lose sight of yourself.
Remember, it is the honeymoon phase. It is the time that sets us up for the future.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash