The longer that I live as a poly woman, the harder time I have understanding monogamous folks. As a woman raised in 20th century America, I was, of course, brought up to be monogamous. I learned the tropes about “happily ever after” and finding my “one and only.” But, to be fair, I was never the type to doodle the new last names that I dreamed of taking in my school notebooks or fantasize about my wedding dress. I should have known then that monogamy was not my path.
I can see the allure of the plea to “be my one and only.” I also acknowledge that for many, only the context of monogamy can offer the kind of emotional safety required for true vulnerability. Still, there are some modes of exclusivity I cannot get behind.
In my humbly (poly…) opinion, it is helpful and skillful to define “cheating” as any violation of the contracts of transparency and exclusivity that all members of a relationship have agreed to. If two people want to agree to only eat ice cream together, because all of that licking is just so hot, then so be it! As Elizabeth Gilbert said, “Adultery is the impulsive dance of desire, leading us astray from the path of love and tearing apart the fabric of intimacy.”
3 Unhealthy Ways to Define Cheating
In any committed relationship, there can be cheating. Polyamorous relationships are no exception. But, I am always shocked when I talk to folks who use a definition of infidelity that is far broader than the simple agreement not to put your parts inside of another person.
Here are three unhealthy but not uncommon ways to define “cheating:”
“Wander Eyes”
Some monogamous couples can regard flirting or even looking longingly at another person as an expression of infidelity that arouses tension and warrants a fight. However, according to the research of Paul Ekman, “micro expressions, including of arousal, occur involuntarily They can provide insights into a person’s true emotional state, including arousal, which may not be consciously expressed.” (1)
Becoming aroused by others is a sign of life in human beings. It is involuntary. Defining simple arousal by another person as out of bounds for your relationship puts your relationship at odds with your biology.
Masturbation
Meeting my third person in a matter of months who related to masturbation as cheating is what motivated me to write this piece. I find this idea perplexing, self-defeating and super-patriarchal.
Masturbation, or self-touching in order to stimulate orgasm, is just about the most natural thing humans do. We do it before we start talking. When doctors do ultrasounds of fetuses in the womb, they are often masturbating.
What is more, orgasm is universally recognized as one of the most positive things we can do for our bodies. Orgasm regulates our blood chemistry, stabilizing stress and reproductive hormones. It feels great. It promotes longevity. (2)
Including this in your definition of cheating is tantamount to making the claim “Your orgasm belongs to me!” Such a claim is a violation of personal integrity and personal autonomy of the worst kind, in my view.
Pleasure is the most personal of human experiences. It is so deeply ours. The idea that any other person should have the right to control, own or limit the kind of deep pleasure that orgasm provides is dangerous. What after all, is the difference between controlling a person’s right to pleasure and controlling them entirely? If slavery is wrong, so is the claim that “your orgasms belong to me, not you!”
Pornography
I will admit that viewing porn is the most questionable of the three behaviors on this list, but I include it nonetheless. The challenge with porn consumption is that for some, it is an addiction, and addictions of any kind pose meaningful threats to any committed relationship.
One life-affirming function of relationship is to support us in maintaining healthy behaviors, including the healthful management of any kind of addiction. In other words, porn addiction is bad and deserves to be on any list of “bad things.” However, I do not think that it is healthy to put the recreational consumption of pornography on any list of “excluded behaviors” for committed relationships.
The true challenge of forming healthy committed relationships is to find the right balance between sexual thriving and sexual exclusivity. We want to feel alive sexually, even if we are choosing to limit the ways we might express that aliveness.
The viewing of pornography, which definitionally is unidirectional, meaning that the porn star your lover is getting it up for has no idea they exist, is, I would argue, a safe expression of sexuality for those folks who crave novelty but agree to monogamy.
Conclusion
If you find yourself in a monogamous relationship which you hope will last a great long while — like perhaps, forever — I encourage you to make it your goal to grow together. I choose polyamory because I want my love relationships to make me feel alive. Even if poly is not for you, consider setting relationship rules that support you and your love in your vitality.
Sexuality is part of our vitality
It just might be the most important part. Defining the boundaries of your fidelity to include the idea that “your every orgasm belongs to me!” or worse, “your every arousal belongs to me!” puts your relationship in direct conflict with your sexuality, and therefore, your vitality.
Instead, consider blessing your love to be as turned on as possible, as often as possible. News that they have had an orgasm should light you up, in more ways that one.
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This post was previously published on Sensual: An Erotic Life.
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