I used to be afraid of lots of things: heights, spiders, car accidents, fire, dating…
Yes, dating scared me, especially after divorce. I was mostly terrified of getting into a new relationship and having it end badly. I wasn’t sure I could handle the potential rejection, heartbreak, and disappointment.
I know I’m not the only one wary of dating. Just today I saw these in a Facebook post from a group of singles:
“I’m afraid no-one will ever chose me, because no-one ever has.”
“I’m afraid I’ve left it too late.”
“I’m afraid of losing my independence.”
“What if I chose the wrong guy again? I don’t pick well.”
“What if I fall in love again, and they leave me?”
Is there a way to feel these fears and date anyway? That was what I set out to discover after divorce. Six months later, I met the man who is now my husband.
Here are three steps I took to move through my fears and find love:
. . .
Take on the easy climbs first
I took up rock climbing in my late 30s — as I mentioned earlier, heights scared me and I decided to see if I could conquer it. Initially, I could only climb a meter or two before I was paralyzed by fear. I’d freeze in some awkward spider-like position clinging to the wall, begging my belayer to let me down. But after a few years, it didn’t scare me anymore: I loved it.
Encouraged by my climbing friends, I embraced their “Feel the fear and do it anyway” attitude. It helped me push through my nerves and build my confidence. Even while I was complaining to my friends and muttering, “I don’t like this,” I knew they were right: you can’t let fear win.
The thing is though, you don’t start with the risky, overhanging climbs. You pick an easy wall and get used to it. You can do the same in dating.
Pick an easy, low stakes date
If you head straight into dating looking for “the one” you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.
- Ask someone who you’ve known for a while out for a drink instead.
- Or arrange a date with someone who seems nice but you’re not overly interested in being with long-term.
When you’re thinking “This is the one!” from the start, the risk and pressure are far higher.
And before you say “But that’s leading them on!” You’re not leading someone on by going out for a coffee. You might even make a new friend.
I lowered the stakes in dating after divorce by saying yes to some men who asked me out, even though I knew I didn’t want a relationship with them.
One was 20 years younger and lived a very different lifestyle to me. He was a barefoot pot-smoking surfer, travelling the country and spending much of his time up trees or in a kayak. I found him attractive but logically knew he wasn’t the guy for me long-term. I thought it’d be an enjoyable date anyway, and it was.
If you think it could be fun and you get along, why not say yes? You’re not saying yes to marriage. A night of ten pin bowling, going for a walk, or sharing a bowl of fries is low stakes and will help you gain confidence. It worked for me!
. . .
Make your own dating listicle
I was so terrified of choosing badly, again, that I took on the common dating advice of writing a list. I’m not a big fan of dating lists. They’re often shallow and limiting: “I want my date to be over 6ft and have six-pack abs.” But it can be reassuring having something concrete written down.
It can also be helpful to consider your triggers. If abandonment has been an issue for you, as it has for me, add “emotionally and physically available” to your list. This will take out people leaving the country regularly for work and reserved, emotionally cold dates. We tend to attract those who trigger our fears, so purposely do the opposite.
Imagine them so you can recognize them
Instead of appearance traits, your list could include:
- Character qualities you’d like to see in your ideal partner
- Deal breakers
- Clear boundaries for who you will and won’t continue dating.
For example, independence and respect were on my list. If they wanted a submissive housewife who never left their side, they weren’t my guy. They needed to have their own friends and interests and be okay with me having mine.
A quiet, peaceful personality was also on my list. I was attracted to loud exciting extroverts, but long-term all that noise and socializing didn’t work well for me as a highly sensitive introvert.
Take your time to think about what you want your day-to-day life to be like with your future partner. Who would fit in well with your dream lifestyle?
. . .
Give your fears a power-punch
When I first started dating my now-husband, I could tell it was leading to a potentially serious relationship and it made me nervous. Up until then I’d only been on casual dates. My fears bunched-up together in a confusing mess, but I knew there was more than one reason I was scared.
Because I’m a writer and that’s how I process my emotions, I wrote a journal-entry naming everything I was afraid of with this new relationship. Naming it didn’t make the fear vanish, but it did reduce its power.
There is power in knowing and naming your fears.
Many of us struggle to name our feelings, and our fears are no different.
Avoid flooding and find your voice
Nonverbal ways of identifying your thoughts and feelings can help many of us express ourselves better. Many of us feel overwhelmed when we try to express ourselves verbally. Relationship researchers at The Gottman Institute call this flooding.
Flooding is less likely to happen when you sit and write your feelings. Or take time to select cards — like the ones used in Non-Violent Communication (NVC) — that match your emotions.
- Try writing down what you’re afraid of in dating. Freewriting is often a revealing exercise. Write non-stop for 5–10 minutes and see what comes out.
- Are you afraid one of your needs might not be met in a new relationship? Our fears can center around needs such as security, safety, freedom, independence, love etc. Check out this needs inventory to see if any of them fit.
- You may not be able to work out your fears alone, though. You can know something is holding you back, but not be able to put your finger on what exactly. In situations like that, it’s helpful to have a therapist guide you through and make suggestions.
. . .
If you find dating scary you’re certainly not alone. There’s nothing wrong with staying single either. But if a relationship is what you truly want, I’d encourage you to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Facing our fears is really the only way to overcome them. It means making yourself uncomfortable but in the long-term, it sets you free to enjoy the life you want and have fun finding someone to share it with.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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