Maybe you’ve experienced a bad relationship or two. Maybe you’ve been cheated on, believed like you always cared more, or felt bad at the hands of a current ex.
But picture it: After those broken relationships, you go on a date with someone who seems perfect. They have the same passions as you. They fill the holes your exes didn’t. They’re exactly what you’ve always been looking for — and more.
Your relationship seems perfect. Giddy with excitement, you update your friends. You daydream. You can’t wait for more time together.
Maybe the relationship you share isn’t too good to be true. Maybe you’ve really found your soulmate, your person.
Or maybe your partner is actually “mirroring” you, AKA engaging in an abuse tactic we don’t talk about enough.
. . .
What Is “Mirroring,” Anyway?
You’ve probably heard of “gaslighting” as a form of emotional abuse, but what about “mirroring?”
In therapy, the word represents a positive technique. It’s when a therapist uses the same language and displays the same emotional response as their client to show they’re actively listening.
But the other definition of “mirroring” — the one we’re talking about here — is much more serious, scary, and harmful. It’s when someone gives tons of affection and empathy, acting like they’re passionate about what you’re passionate about, to improve your connection and make it seem deeper than it is.
While this may sound understandable or somewhat innocent at first, the reasoning behind it is what’s problematic. People sometimes mirror others — especially those who are emotionally vulnerable — to get their guard down. They know exactly what you need in a relationship, and withhold it at certain times to get what they want.
. . .
What Are the Signs of Mirroring?
So how can you tell the difference between a kind person whom you share a lot in common with versus a person who’s mirroring you? Here are some of the signs of mirroring:
They randomly withhold affection
When people engage in mirroring, they will randomly not show you the same affection they usually do — which may make you feel anxious and confused. Through this, they may be trying to get you to do something or react in a certain way.
Your relationship with them seems too good to be true
Sometimes you need to trust the nagging voice in your head saying something is too good to be true. While you don’t want to listen to that voice every time you hear it, doing so can be a crucial step in getting away from unhealthy relationships.
You notice additional signs of narcissism
Mirroring is a tactic often used by narcissists, or people who only care about themselves. If you notice additional signs of narcissism, you may especially need to be concerned. Signs of narcissism in a romantic partner include:
- They come on strong but turn on you the second you disappoint them
- They talk about how great they are — but are also insecure, deep down
- They lack empathy, and your relationship lacks depth
- They gaslight you, skewing your reality and making you feel “crazy”
- They’re “always right” and never apologize
- They respond negatively when you pull away or want to break up
They struggle to build deep relationships
Because of their lack of empathy, narcissists usually don’t know how to naturally build intimate, meaningful relationships with others. They may not have many friends or be able to understand the emotions behind people’s words and experiences.
. . .
What Do I Do If Someone Is Mirroring Me?
This is both the easy and the hard part.
If my friend was being mirrored and asked me how to respond, I wouldn’t be able to say “dump them” fast enough. But leaving an abusive relationship is so much harder and more complicated than that. So, here are my thoughts:
Break up with them (if you can)
You have the right to be in a happy, healthy relationship, and you deserve to let go of people who mistreat you. If you feel safe and able, I encourage you to break things off.
This will be hard to start and to finish. Since abuse is so insidious and confusing, you may not feel a need (or even want) to break things off. And if and when you do, your partner may freak out or act up, which can make sticking to your boundaries even harder. In fact, people leave their abusers an average of seven times before leaving for good.
Before, during, and after this time, I encourage you to lean on your support system. Friends, family, mental health professionals, et cetera. Basically, people you know will respond in helpful, respectful ways.
If you can’t break things off, focus on surviving emotionally and physically
If you’re stuck in the relationship, I encourage you to utilize other tools available to you. Some examples include:
- Having a safety plan. What resources do you have? Who can you talk to? Where can you go? Do you have money saved up for emergencies? Make a plan for when you feel unsafe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website has an interactive safety plan guide you can use.
- Reminding yourself of what’s true and what’s not. Remember that you are not the mean words your partner calls you and that you’re allowed to want, need, and set boundaries. Other people don’t define you; you are your own person.
- Reaching out to loved ones and abuse resources as much as possible. Again, talk to a therapist, friends, family, or someone else you trust about what you’re going through. If you don’t have anyone, reach out to abuse resources in your community. Seek encouragement from them and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
. . .
Takeaways
While I do believe it’s possible to find your soulmate, I also know that some people pose as such to take advantage of you. In other words, you’re not always being a pessimist when you feel something isn’t right or is too good to be true.
“Mirroring” is an abuse tactic and an example of one of the above situations. It’s when someone acts as though they’re “just like you” and “just what you need” in order to manipulate you as they please.
If you’re experiencing mirroring, I encourage you to get away if possible, or if not, to protect your safety and well-being as best as you can. Either way, lean on trusted loved ones and professional resources.
You deserve a healthy and happy relationship, and you can’t be defined by one person — especially someone who’s only trying to hurt you.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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