Modern women are victims of what I like to call the “good girl curse.”
The curse starts with the good girl stereotype. Good girls are polite. Good girls are always nice. Good girls consider other people’s needs. Good girls are beautiful.
It’s a set of rules of how you should act in case you want to be nice.
Why would you want to be nice? Because it gives you your fairytale ending. There’s this promise that your good behavior will be rewarded. If not by a prince charming, by the Universe.
Except the “good girl” is a curse because it’s a lie.
The good girl curse is dangerous because you put all your energy into other people, so you don’t have anything left for yourself. You never learn how to follow your dreams, be alone, and do difficult things.
You become dependent and stuck in life.
Here are the signs you’re a victim of the good girl curse:
1. You need to be saved.
Good girls develop a weird dynamic with their relationships: They believe love can fix their lives. It’s like love is a magic pill that makes everything right.
Good girls wait for prince charming to save them.
This dynamic is dangerous because it makes the good girl a spectator in her own story. She depends on others to make decisions and solve problems instead of developing the skills she needs.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
But when you depend too much on others, you miss great opportunities to grow. Ultimately, they rule your life for you, and that makes you unauthentic.
You’re responsible for your life (the good and the bad).
What to do instead:
Great relationships take authentic connections. And sometimes, it’s uncomfortable to be authentic. It forces you to make tough decisions, challenge perspectives, and learn new skills.
But it’s even more uncomfortable to depend on others forever.
So decide what you want, make a plan (even if it’s not accurate), and take a first imperfect action. Do things for yourself and watch your relationships become more authentic.
2. You please everyone.
The worst fear of a good girl is to be disliked. They’re not wrong: We’re social beings. If you say other people’s opinions don’t matter, you’re lying (to yourself or to me).
You don’t live in a bubble: It’s not wrong to please others.
But it’s wrong to prioritize others over yourself. It’s wrong to say “yes” when you want to say “no.” It’s wrong to do things that make you uncomfortable because others want to.
It’s wrong not to set boundaries.
What to do instead:
You will not be disliked because you put your needs first.
It’s like they tell you on the airplane: In case of emergency, put the mask on yourself first, and then help others. You need to be well so you can give your best to others. If that means setting boundaries, so be it.
Pleasing others is nice. But not at the cost of your boundaries.
3. You feel too demanding.
Good girls feel awful when they demand things. They have a point: You don’t want to be the girl who nags others all the time. But good girls take it to the next level: They don’t demand basic stuff.
They don’t demand:
- Clear communication.
- Boundaries in the relationship.
- Recognition for their efforts (professionally and in relationships).
Your demands don’t make you annoying. They make you grow.
What to do instead:
The only person who can fully understand your needs is you. Sometimes the other person is willing to give you what you want; they just don’t know what that is.
Your demands aren’t a problem. They’re a way of communicating your wishes and setting boundaries.
Here’s what you can do:
- Write down when you feel uncomfortable.
- Take your time to figure out what causes the discomfort.
- Make your demand and explain why it’s important to you. When you justify it to the other person, it makes sense for you and for them.
This way, you start slow and get accustomed to your growth.
The mindset that helps you ask for your needs is this: Don’t be afraid to lose people. When you ask for basic stuff, and the other person reacts badly, maybe you don’t want them in your life. You have nothing meaningful to lose.
4. You need to be liked.
Good girls move mountains to be liked.
But imagine this: You do your best to make people like you. Your hide your flaws, only discuss topics they like and go to places they enjoy (even when it makes you uncomfortable). And it works! Great, isn’t it?
Well… not quite. These people don’t truly like you.
They like the version you carefully created for them. Except that version isn’t the real you. Your flaws, interests, and places you enjoy are part of who you are. It might work for a while, but not forever.
People like to connect with real people.
What to do instead:
You need the courage to show up as your real self. That includes your vulnerabilities and things they might not like.
It’s not that you should go around advertising your flaws. But when you want to build an intimate relationship, you need to embrace your full package. Otherwise, your relationship will only stay on the surface.
One genuine relationship matters more than ten fake ones.
If you struggle, follow this mindset: It’s best to be disliked for who you are than liked for who you’re not. Aim for real connections.
5. You overwork to make relationships last.
Good girls can never let relationships go. When a relationship fails, they take it personally: “What did I do wrong? What should I have done instead?”
That’s when the good girl makes mistakes.
When she prioritizes the relationship, and the other party doesn’t, there’s no way around it: It’s over. That’s what makes it so dangerous. The good girl will go to insane lengths to make this work, but it doesn’t depend on her.
All the good girl achieves is exhaustion, non-reciprocate efforts, and destroyed self-esteem.
You should put effort into your relationships. But you should also respect your boundaries (nobody else can do it for you).
What to do instead:
The secret is to exchange “I want to make this relationship work” with reciprocity.
Relationships take two people, and both parties need to invest time, energy, and money to make it work. And it needs to be equal. When one party invests more than the other, it doesn’t work.
Here’s how reciprocity works: You watch how the other person acts and match their actions. So when they text first, you can text the next time. This habit ensures your relationship is equal.
If it’s not equal, maybe it should end anyway.
…
When you follow the good girl rules, you’ll invest your resources into someone else without restraints. But what happens when you need your resources for yourself?
Good girls suffer from low self-esteem.
They believe their flaws and demands will make them unlikeable. Except reality is way different. Your flaws and demands make you human. And, if your partner doesn’t embrace your full package, that’s not a genuine relationship.
Next time you meet someone, don’t be afraid to show who you are. Break the good girl curse and invest in yourself (nobody else can do it for you).
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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