I remember my first boyfriend, he was the love of my life. My entire life revolved around him, and inadvertently my family’s lives revolved around our turbulent relationship. I put my family through hell and feel bad to this day. I couldn’t imagine my adult children going through such toxicity.
To this day I can remember the pains in my stomach with each passing minute of being stood up once again without a phone call. I remember my stomach would tense up every evening expecting another no-show.
Then summer would arrive and our blue-collar town turned into fast cars, stereos blasting and humid summer nights. My boyfriend’s friends were all about posing in the parking lot with grown-up hot wheels and beautiful girls. My boyfriend was very good-looking. And he drove a black Camaro.
I felt it to my very core when summer was around the corner; as those summer nights got hotter, he predictably broke up with me. It crushed me each time.
The worst part… he always wanted me back on those cooler autumn nights.
The fights we had were unbearable and I became unbearable for my family. Making up and breaking up was our toxic theme.
I remember feeling physically sick more often than not.
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Denial
According to American Addictions Centre Resource; Mentalhelp.net, denial is part of a toxic relationship. Even though someone is feeling depressed and hopeless, they don’t realize they’re a victim of a toxic relationship. They will typically have poor self-esteem and blame themselves for anything negative that happens.
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Fatigue
Near the end of my relationship with my first boyfriend, nearly 10 years later, I was exhausted. I felt tired every day. I was pale, underweight and undernourished from lack of hunger. I looked unhealthy like I was fighting an illness.
I worked 6 days a week, and endured a cycle of toxicity of fighting and making up and fighting again. This was usually a result of my insecurities, defending my family combined with his lies and volatility.
One evening I was in the bedroom chatting with my mother on the phone. He was furious, I must have fallen asleep after our conversation. As it turns out he was angry because he had cancelled plans with the other woman he eventually left me for. He was pretty good at cancelling plans and breaking dates…Glad it wasn’t just me.
Anxiety
Over the years I’ve developed what professionals call generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) explains generalized anxiety as a persistent worry that something bad is going to happen. These negative feelings need to be present more days than not, and for at least 6 months.
With generalized anxiety, the anxiety doesn’t match the situation, and pretty much comes from nowhere. A term we use is free-floating; “a diffuse, chronic sense of uneasiness and apprehension not directed toward any specific situation or object.”
Generalized anxiety disorder can be a result of both biological factors, environmental factors and past traumas.
Depression
Medical News Today talks about relationship factors that can attribute to depression.
- Infidelity
- Abuse
- Long-distance relationships
- Relationship breakdown
- Conflicting goals
Any one of these factors can contribute to difficulty in our relationships. Depression can be a terrible thing to suffer from. Relationship depression is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
According to specialists from Psych Central, if the relationship is worth fixing, the partner can assist by learning about depression, actively listening, seeking couples counselling, and being supportive.
If the relationship is toxic, then it’s probably time to end the toxicity and leave the relationship.
Self Sacrifice
A healthy relationship is one in which both partners’ needs are addressed equally. It’s a relationship of giving and taking, and one in which we feel good giving, not obligated. When we begin to feel like we’re losing part of ourselves then it’s time to evaluate the situation. Jamie Cannon MS, LPC from Psychology Today explains 3 key points:
- Love shouldn’t be controlled
- Love isn’t taking advantage of your partner
- A healthy relationship is based on individuality and trust
Keeping one’s individuality is a key factor to feeling comfortable in our relationships. When we feel as though we’re meeting our own aspirations and accomplishments, we’re going to bring that positivity into our relationships. If we disappear into a continuous cycle of our partner’s needs, our partner’s friends, and our partner’s goals then our own individuality could disappear.
Jamie’s article also states that if we lose the individuality that brought us into the relationship we could lose the ‘resources’ required for the relationship to last.
This makes so much sense to me. We want to have something to bring to the relationship. We don’t want to end up as a mirrored image of our partner.
“The health hazards can be serious: heart condition, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, depression, extreme anxiety and more.”
A 10-year toxic relationship with my first boyfriend no doubt contributed to my diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, although I am highly functioning it’s quite possible I’ll have this anxiety situation for the rest of my life.
If you believe your relationship is causing you to feel unwell, or unhealthy, you may want to seriously consider the long-term ramifications.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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