How many times in your life have you settled for less than you deserved in a relationship?
How many times did you choose to put up with a partner’s behavior in hopes they would later change?
Of course, compromise is an important element of a healthy partnership, as it can pave the road to mutual happiness and fulfillment. However, there are some things you simply don’t have to settle for in your relationships — and shouldn’t.
What follows is a list of things you should never tolerate in your relationships, no matter how attracted you are to your partner. Settling for the following things means settling for unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and constant emotional frustration.
Let’s take a look at them.
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#1. On/off or Hot/Cold Dynamics
On and off dynamics, hot and cold behavior patterns, and undefined boundaries create an unsafe environment that puts your emotional well-being in jeopardy.
If the person you’re dating likes to play mind games, sends mixed signals, repeatedly breaks up with you (only to come back running later), and makes your relationship feel like a cat and mouse game, you might want to reconsider whether it’s wise to further emotionally invest in them.
The “chasing game” and the rush of pursuing someone might seem exciting and thrilling at the beginning, but in the long term, it can cause you a lot of pain and emotional frustration.
Settling for a relationship under those dynamics is a bad idea as they don’t leave a place for creating a healthy environment where your relationship can flourish.
On/off or hot/cold dynamics in a relationship essentially mean that your partner might:
- have other women/men on the side
- want to have control over you
- disrespect and not take you seriously
- lack the emotional maturity needed for a serious relationship
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#2. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Upon hearing the word intimacy, the first thing that comes to mind for most is sex.
In reality, intimacy goes beyond sexual interactions. The foundation for a solid relationship isn’t physical intimacy, but rather emotional intimacy. The latter is intertwined with openness, vulnerability, trust, and closeness.
Neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez defines emotional intimacy as:
“Emotional intimacy could be defined as allowing yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust.”
A relationship that lacks emotional intimacy, also lacks safety, open communication, closeness — all of which are essential components for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Of course, it’s important to keep in mind that some people might need more time to open up and connect on a deeper level with a romantic partner than others.
But, when you’ve been long past the initial phase of dating, and your relationship still lacks emotional intimacy, it’s highly likely that that’s the way it’s gonna be — your partner will continue to be cold, distant, and distrustful towards you.
Lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship essentially means that your partner might:
- have trust issues
- lack the emotional maturity needed to express their needs and feelings
- have unresolved trauma
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#3. Mistreatment
If your significant other’s behavior makes you feel angry/hurt/upset/frustrated on a regular basis, you should take a step back and reconsider your relationship as well as your place in it.
Disrespect, neglect, gaslighting, and any form of abuse are things you should NEVER tolerate.
Once mistreatment becomes a pattern in a relationship, there’s no way back. You might try to excuse your partner’s behavior or put up with it in hopes you’ll help them change in the future, but that can never happen — abuse usually worsens as time progresses.
You owe it to yourself to gather up the strength to leave a toxic relationship with a partner who mistreats you — that’s non-negotiable.
Mistreatment in a relationship essentially means that your partner might:
- have unresolved emotional issues they needed to address prior to forming a relationship with you
- have a mental disorder
- have deep issues with their self-esteem
- lack empathy
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#4. Undesired Level of Commitment
Monogamy vs polyamory, short-term flings vs long-term relationships — everyone can choose their desired level of commitment.
There’s nothing wrong with opting for an open relationship as long as your partner agrees to it. The level of commitment in a relationship may vary from couple to couple; what matters is that the people involved agree upon it.
However, settling for a partner who doesn’t share the same expectations regarding commitment in your relationship is a mistake.
For example, I often see people who’re looking for a serious monogamous relationship getting involved with people who aren’t ready to commit neither to a serious relationship nor to a single person.
Of course, the story is always the same: the former hope that they’ll change the latter’s intentions but always end up feeling hurt, and betrayed.
The takeaway is, if you want to avoid unnecessary heartbreak as well as losing your time and energy, always choose partners that match your expectations regarding your relationship.
Undesired level of commitment in a relationship essentially means that your partner might:
- not be ready for the kind of relationship you are ready for
- be in a completely different place/have a completely different mindset regarding love and relationships
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#5. Being Treated Like an Option
Although you don’t have to be your partner’s center of attention all the time, you also shouldn’t settle for being treated like an option instead of a priority.
In any healthy partnership, the people involved should work equally hard on making the relationship work and making each other feel loved and cared for.
If your partner treats you like an option, taking you for granted and never putting any kind of effort into the relationship, it means they don’t care enough for you or your relationship as a whole.
They probably think that you’re always going to be there for them, while they stay with you until they find a better option. So, you might want to ask yourself:
Are you cool with the prospect of always being an option instead of a priority?
Being treated as an option in a relationship essentially means that your partner might:
- not have deep feelings for you
- take you for granted
- be secretly involved with someone else
- be using you as a distraction until they find someone else they can date
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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