Note: These tips apply to women, as well, taught from childhood to be the “nice girl.” If that’s you, flip “he” for “she“, “him” to “her”. This blog is a continuation from last week.
Last week’s gist was…“Nice guy” behavior has its roots in ‘momma-pleasing’ behavior from childhood. As a result, she resents you for it.
So what’s a nice guy to do? How do you make her happy? How do you stop her hating you for being a nice guy?
FIRST, it is obvious. Stop being a “nice guy.”
Be yourself. A complete human being who lives in the full range of his emotions – from grief to joy. “Nice guy” is just a mask.
You can’t always be the guy who “gets it right” with her. It’s impossible and exhausting to maintain, plus it diminishes you and your relationship. Notice when you’re in the “nice guy” pattern.
SECOND, go directly to the source of what you really want – your own happiness.
The “nice guy” approach is the back door, while the “empowered man” one is the one in front.
This means speaking your truth and asking her for what you want. Most importantly, do it kindly and lovingly.
Consider the risk of saying to her:
“I want to spend more quality time with you.”
“I want to be more physically intimate with you.”
“I want you to not pull away from me, even when you’re upset.”
THIRD, feel the terror of her not loving you.
Feel the hole in your heart when she turns away from you. Or when she says, “No, I don’t want to be physically intimate with you now.”
“An absence, the decline of a dinner invitation, an unintentional coldness, can accomplish more than all the cosmetics and beautiful dresses in the world [or ‘nice guy’ behavior].”
FOURTH, tend to yourself when she upsets you.
This means you don’t blame her for your upset. Instead, you look at and care for yourself.
Talk to the most upset part of you, which is your inner ‘little boy’. He’s the one who feels the terror of her not loving you, of not being loved.
Tell him, “It’s ok. We’re ok. We’ll get through this.”
Develop a relationship with this boy. Be the father he never had. Self-parent. Loving that little boy is the quickest way to your Kingship.
This takes practice and coaching. So, be gentle with yourself and get help.
AND, finally, FIFTH, bring your new gold to her.
Imagine, you spoke a tough truth. You said it lovingly. You got upset because she got upset and pulled away, even though you did your best.
But this time, you tended to yourself. You stood strongly but gently, resulting in you saying a few simple words that rocked her world: “Can you tell me more?” (More about what’s happening to you. More about what’s going on inside you. More about why you’re upset.)
And she glows. She feels seen and heard. She opens, knowing she’s with an empowered man–not a little boy, nor an inauthentic ‘nice guy’.
You’re pleased but clear. You’re not responsible for her happiness nor her misery. However, you can hold space for both and stand strong.
Imagine what it’s like to be this man.
Well…he’s already inside of you.
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