I have been struggling with the whole idea of turning 50. I honestly don’t know why. 50 is just a number. I expect to wake up tomorrow feeling no different then today. I certainly don’t feel 50 or maybe I just don’t know what it even means to feel 50. I think my definition equates 50 with being old and I don’t feel old.
I am probably in better shape at 50 then I was at 35. My desires and appetites at 50 are not any less (if fact they are probably greater then at 35 😊). Do I look back on my 50 years of life with regrets? Absolutely. I regret all the times I mistreated my wife and took her for granted. I regret not taking the time to learn more, to read more, to travel more and explore more. I regret not being more open about my feelings. I regret letting fear and insecurity drive my actions rather than passion and confidence. I regret everyday that I didn’t make my wife feel loved. I regret every missed opportunity over the years (and there have been too many to count) to make mad passionate love to my wife and be more open about my sexuality. I regret every night I climbed into bed beside my wife and didn’t at a minimum kiss her goodnight and tell her I loved her. I regret every night I chose to sleep apart from my wife because I felt angry, lonely or depressed. I regret every day that I questioned my wife’s interest in me and made assumption without asking her how she felt. I regret spending too much time telling and not enough time asking and listening.
I regret not being more involved in my daughter’s lives. I regret not spending more time with my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews. I regret not being more generous and selfless. I regret keeping friends at arm’s length and not getting too close to anyone. I regret not telling those closest to me how I feel about them. I regret taking too long to start focusing on my own health. I regret not making the effort to better understand my loved one’s health and well-being. I regret not taking advantage of every opportunity to learn a new skill. I regret not speaking up for the things I believed in. I’m sure I could just continue this list ad infinitum.
As I turn the to 50 years old, the great thing is that I have it within me to turn regret to action. Everything that I listed above is within my own power to change. It starts with being honest with myself. It starts with a recognition of all the above. It starts with a desire and willingness to change. It starts with having open and honest (maybe even painful) conversations with those I love. It starts with finally overcoming fear and insecurity and believing in myself. It starts now and it never ends. 50 is just a number, but it’s also a reminder that I still have plenty of time to change my own destiny. It’s about not waiting until tomorrow — it starts tonight.
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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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