Imagine you like someone. Like, you really, really, like them. Maybe you met recently, or maybe you’ve already been dating for a while.
The more you get to know them, the more you think they’re everything you’ve been looking for — smart, kind, witty, great looks, you name it. The problem? You feel like you can’t be 100% your true self with them.
Maybe you like completely different things, your habits differ, or you don’t share the same mindset. Whatever it is, you start contemplating whether you should try to change yourself, in order to be more similar. That way they’ll like you even more, right?
We’ve all been there. Sometimes we feel compelled to change and some others, it’s our partners who ask us to change.
And although a partner might inspire you to make some meaningful changes about yourself (e.g. build a healthier lifestyle, break bad habits, be more kind to people around you), there are some things you should never accept to change for the sake of being more liked by your partner.
Let’s take a look at them.
#1. Your Core Values
“Your values create your internal compass that can navigate how you make decisions in your life. If you compromise your core values, you go nowhere.”
― Roy T. Bennett
Trying to change your core values for your significant other is a waste of time and will only result in emotional confusion and frustration.
It’s okay to be open to hearing and discussing beliefs that differ from your own but adopting them so that they match up to your partner’s, when deep-down, you wholeheartedly disagree with them?
That’s a path that leads to self-destruction and might ultimately lead the relationship to its demise. How can you have a happy, emotionally fulfilling relationship when you can’t even be your authentic self with your partner?
***
#2. Your Body
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Maybe your partner loves and has a lot of tattoos or piercings whereas you have none. And you think that getting a couple of them yourself will immediately make you more attractive to them.
Trust me, you’ll probably gonna regret it later. Permanently altering your body is a big decision. It needs a lot of thought and should only be done for yourself — because you really want it — and NEVER in order to make yourself more appealing to somebody else.
If your partner is asking you to do any physical alterations, beware, as it’s a red flag — the right person should find you attractive exactly as you are.
***
#3. Your Goals
“Do what’s best for you, and do it to the best of your ability — go after your goals like nobody’s business.” — Michael Oher
The life goals you had before entering your relationship might slightly shift as you might come up with common future dreams and goals with your partner. That’s understandable.
However, completely abandoning your personal visions and dreams because your partner doesn’t agree with them or they encourage you to pursue completely different goals is wrong.
For example, if you want to start your own business, you shouldn’t give that up because your partner thinks it’s risky. Or, you shouldn’t give up your dreams of having kids because your significant other isn’t up for creating their own family.
In other words, you should be with someone with whom your life goals align, or at least with a person who’s able and willing to support your goals and encourage you to pursue your dreams.
***
#4. Your Relationship Expectations
“Stop expecting loyalty from people who can’t even give you honesty.” — Anonymous
It’s easy to lower your expectations and settle for a partner who isn’t able to provide you with the things you would normally expect from a relationship.
Especially if you recently experienced a painful breakup, or you’re emotionally exhausted after having been unsuccessfully searching for the “right” partner for long.
Naturally, not everyone has the same expectations regarding how a relationship should work — and that’s okay. However, you should be with a partner who shares your idea of what love looks like as well as how a couple should treat each other.
Otherwise, your expectations will be unseen and repeatedly unmet and that can only lead to emotional frustration, pain, and generally, an unhappy relationship.
***
#5. Your Relationships With Friends or Family Members
“When all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone, the things that matter are faith, family, and friends.” — Barbara Bush
The relationships you form with friends and the ones you have with your family are one of the most important pillars in life.
You might get so wrapped up in your relationship and become so dependent on your partner that you forget about everything else — including people that were there for you before your relationship began.
Or, you might find yourself involved with a partner who is so insecure or jealous that they ask you to cut your friends out or spend less time with your family members.
Either way, giving up your friends or your family for the sake of spending more time with your partner is not only something you’re gonna regret later because you’ll isolate yourself but also an action that hurts people who love you.
Remember, in a healthy, balanced relationship, your partner should allow you to cultivate and sustain relationships with other people.
***
#6. Your Individuality
“Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”
― Judy Garland
Has your partner asked you to set your interests aside since you started your relationship? Have you felt obligated to put your passions on the back burner?
At the beginning of a relationship, when things are fresh and intense, you might find yourself putting your hobbies and interests aside either subconsciously or because your partner asks you to.
However, a loss of interest in your hobbies, interests, or plans for an extended period of time, could lead to the loss of your individuality, as well as make you merge your personality with that of your partner’s.
Before you know it, you might not even understand where do you start and where does your partner end and that could trap you in an unhealthy and dangerous pattern of codependency.
***
#7. Your Taste
“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”
― Ray Bradbury
Most people fall easily into the trap of pretending they like things they don’t for the sake of being more liked by people, especially their partners.
For example, you might hate Chinese food, but start eating it because your partner loves it. You might stop listening to a certain music genre because your partner says it sucks, or you might stop watching rom-coms because they consider them “not serious enough”.
Changing your taste to fit into other people’s expectations, is a form of self-betrayal and only makes it difficult for you to enjoy daily life. You shouldn’t give up on things that bring you joy and pleasure.
It’s natural for different people to like different things. The right partner will never criticize you for your taste, no matter how much it differs from theirs.
***
Final Note
Sometimes our partners can inspire us to make some good changes in our lives, from breaking up a bad habit and adopting a healthy lifestyle to becoming better people.
It’s good to be open to change, as long as your significant other doesn’t ask you to change fundamental things about yourself, like your values, your body, or your relationship with your family.
If your partner continually asks you to change these things you might want to rethink your role in the relationship, as well as whether your choice of partner was the right one.
Remember, people should accept you as you are — or not at all.
—
Previously published on Medium.
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
—
Photo credit: iStock