7 Things People Do When They Don’t Love Themselves

There was once a woman in an unhappy relationship. She was in the kitchen with her best friend having a cup of coffee. Her partner came in, interrupting them.

“You didn’t fold the laundry upstairs,” he said.

“I’ll fold it later.”

“Fold it now,” he demanded.

She said, “After my friend leaves.”

Smack. He whacked her in the head with a phone. Then he stormed out of the room. She wasn’t injured physically but was completely humiliated. Her friend sat there in shock.

For years, her friend reminded her of what had happened. Not surprisingly, she finally had the courage to leave and ended the relationship.

For years, this woman hadn’t loved herself. She put up with all kinds of terrible behavior from relationships. It took her years to heal from that situation.

She kept making mistakes, until she finally got the help she needed, and learned to love herself.

She’s a different, much happier person today.

It’s easy to tell when someone loves themselves

When people love themselves they expect people to treat them well. They expect good things for themselves. They have inner worth, and they’re filled with deep satisfaction when they work hard and accomplish something. They know they have what it takes to live the life they want.

If someone abuses them, they don’t hang around for more. If someone tries to cross their boundaries, they call them out on it. They have self-respect.

Yet many people have low self-worth. Here are 7 things people do when they don’t love themselves:

They don’t go after the dreams they want

People that don’t love themselves don’t believe they’re worth much. They believe the lies people have told them in the past. They may have been told they’re mediocre, and that they won’t amount to anything.

They don’t believe they’re smart enough, talented enough, or capable enough to achieve their dreams. They didn’t have rich parents to put a silver spoon in their mouth, so what’s the use in trying?

They’ll internalize every piece of discouraging statistics, and use that as an excuse not to pursue their dreams. After all, if 90 percent of startups fail in the first year, then why take the risk?

They don’t pamper themselves or their appearance

People that don’t love themselves will take care of everyone but themselves. They will buy their children designer sneakers while they are dressed in rags. They’ll make sure their child goes out the door with the perfect hairstyle, yet walk around themselves with frizzy hair.

They never seem to have the time to take a luxurious bath, or join a workout program, or take the time to cook healthy food for themselves.

They feel like — what’s the point, they’ll never look good. There’s no point in even trying.

They settle for the leftovers from others

People who don’t love themselves don’t go out and buy themselves beautiful clothing they love, even with a coupon. They don’t believe they’ll look good in anything, so they settle for the discarded hand-me-downs from others.

They’ll take a job just because it was offered to them. They figure it’s hard to get work, so they should be grateful to be paid minimum wage to do that job no one else wants.

They’ll take Mama’s leftover furniture that she didn’t want anymore. They don’t even believe they’re competent enough to buy their own furniture or decorate their place the way they want.

They might decide not to college for the medical career they dreamt of because they don’t believe they’re smart enough to get in.

They are standing in their own way.

They say hurtful things to themselves all day long

People who don’t love themselves spend hours every day furiously attacking themselves. They repeat the words they were told as a child. “You’re lazy, you’re not good enough, you’re so ugly no one will ever want you. Nobody likes you. You’re a loser.”

Whenever they have a setback, it sets off this litany of self-loathing.

They speak to themselves in a vicious way they would never speak to others.

And it’s impossible for someone to feel good wearing new clothes when their inner voice is telling them how hideous they look.

Research shows that harsh self-criticism affects the central nervous system, setting off the fight or flight syndrome, and releases stress hormones like cortisol.

They never take the vacation they wanted

People who don’t love themselves don’t prioritize their own needs. They’ll put off a vacation they dreamed of for years. Deep inside they don’t feel they deserve to go on a dream vacation when everyone else in their lives comes first. They have to pay for their kid’s college or car. They need to take care of a sick parent. They need to help their partner with their own needs and wants.

They put themselves last, and feel envious of all the other people who seem to get what they want in life.

They settle for someone they don’t love in relationships

People lacking self-love will settle for someone in a relationship. They feel they are lucky that anyone even wanted to date them, so they’ll take what they can get.

They’ll stay with an abuser because they think they don’t deserve to be treated well.

They’ll waste months dating someone they weren’t even attracted to because they don’t think they’re attractive enough to date the one they want.

They may even marry someone believing they’ll grow to love them.

Research shows low self-esteem will cause someone to settle in relationships, because of the negative way they feel about themselves.

They waste years of their lives with the wrong person because they don’t think they can do better. It’s not fair to them, or the person they are dating. Both could have been free to meet the right one for them.

They let fear stop them from doing anything that could change their life

People that don’t love themselves feel like they lack personal power. They don’t move on from a bad relationship because they don’t believe they deserve happiness. They’ll stay at the same awful job for years because they don’t think anyone else would hire them.

They’ll have a list of fearful excuses why they can’t do things in life. They believe they’re destined to fail. They shrug their shoulders and give up on themselves.

They believe that they can’t get a break and spend their lives envying others who didn’t settle.

How to Change This Pattern

If you suffer from a lack of self-love or low self-esteem, there is hope. You can learn to become loving to yourself. Part of this is to treat yourself in a caring, compassionate way.

Lack of self-love doesn’t happen overnight. Many people have deep issues that came from past experiences that caused their low self-worth. Negative childhood experiences can affect future self-worth.

The way to get past it is to seek counseling with a good therapist. Find out why you keep attracting the wrong people into your life that reinforce your low opinion of yourself. This will be the key to change.

You can change the patterns you’re in. And once you change, the world will change around you.You’ll start attracting more loving people into your life and create better experiences for yourself.

Like the woman whose partner disrespected her, you can get out of bad situations and change too.You don’t have to stay stuck and unhappy. Invest in loving yourself. You’ll never be sorry you did.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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