It is complicated, isn’t it?
You know your friend is in too much pain. They loved their partner dearly. They had always felt this was the one and had their future mapped out.
It doesn’t matter if you liked their ex or not. You supported the relationship because you knew your friend was happy. You wanted them to last forever.
But then your friend’s world came crashing down. They decided to break up. And now your friend is broken. They cry to sleep every night and have stopped going out. Your friend isn’t the same anymore.
You love them and want to help through this. But you are afraid that you may say or do the wrong thing. You know your friend won’t miraculously be happy. But you want to be with them. You want to help them get out of this.
What do you do?
Should you intrude or give space? Should you console or reprimand? Should you advise them to move on or urge them to retake chances?
These are the ten tips I follow in dealing with my friends when they go through a breakup.
. . .
1. Never say ‘ I told you so’
Not making them feel worse is an obvious tip. But I have seen many forgetting this when the situation arises.
Your friend is heartbroken. They have had their life upturned. And you want them to know you were right! Isn’t this a bit selfish of you?
Even though you told them so before, this is not the right time to remind them of it. You’ll not be doing anyone any favor when you say so.
If you say I told you so right after their breakup, one of the three things will happen.
- Your friend will realize you were right all along. They’ll feel guilty for being stupid enough to believe otherwise. They’ll blame themselves more for being so naive. And they will end up being sadder than before.
- Your friend will realize you are a selfish arse to bring it up now. They might feel you are making fun of them for being so clueless. They’ll question their friendship with you. They won’t want to be around you anymore. And ultimately, you’ll lose a very dear friend.
- Your friend will realize what an intelligent person you are for reminding them of this. They’ll forever be indebted to you for this. They’ll never question your expertise ever again. And you become a God figure to them.
I know you expect the third to happen. But I hope you realize that’s never going to happen. So don’t hurt your friend more than they already are.
. . .
2. Taking sides should not be a priority
If you are a close enough friend, you may know their partner too. You may have gone out with them many times and even like them.
But when they are separating, taking sides shouldn’t be your first concern. You do not have to validate any one of them. They are adults and responsible for their decisions.
It would be best not to take sides, especially when you don’t know the exact details. Any one of them could be right. Or both could be at fault. You will have it easy if only one of them comes to you for support. You won’t need to choose then.
But even when both want your shoulders to lean on, you do not need to choose sides. First, be clear to yourself on where you stand in their relationship. If you are impartial to both, then you should give them the much-needed support.
Sometimes you may know the details of it all. And you know one of them is entirely at fault. You hate them for their actions. Even then, do not choose sides. You can convey your feelings later. But right now, give the no-questions-asked support to your friend.
. . .
3. Take care of their health
When anyone experiences an extreme change in their lives, health becomes an afterthought. Going through a breakup brings out similar emotions.
During this time, you can expect your friend’s schedule to mess up. There could be a massive shift in their personalities. Confident people become insecure. Outgoing, vibrant people may want to be at home at all times.
That’s when they need a good friend like you. You should be there to hold their fort for a little while.
Take special care of their eating and sleeping habits. Provide them with their favorite snacks and make sure they eat them. You may have to be strict at times, but it will all be manageable after a few times.
Always make sure they are drinking enough water. It is common for people to cry after a breakup, which may lead to dehydration. Fill up their glasses even when they don’t ask for them. Keep their favorite juice at all times and give them a drink.
. . .
4. Distract them as much as you can
It is a common experience that when we do focused work, we tend to forget other things. Find such things for the well-being of your friend.
When someone is fresh out of a relationship, they can’t think of anything other than their ex-partner. Memories occupy their entire mind space. They remember all their good and bad qualities. They think of specific memories which ultimately make them sadder.
If your friend has recently broken up, they may be reliving the experience every day. The more they think about it, the more they inflict fresh wounds upon themselves.
You know what kind of activities your friend likes. So make a list of all the activities your friends may enjoy doing and put them up for it. You may join them for it if you feel like it.
If your friend is an avid reader, find a book in their favorite genre. But steer clear of the romance section. It’s not a good time to remind them of what they are lacking.
If your friend finds comfort in writing, find a writing challenge of their choice. Be sure that it doesn’t challenge them too much, as they may feel inadequate at the end of it.
Take your friend out somewhere. Play their favorite video games with them. You could also challenge them to a friendly match. Do anything that distracts them from their current situation.
. . .
5. Don’t force them to move on
I know you want your friend to be happy. You want them to feel confident and lively. You want your friend as they were before all this went down.
We often think a rebound is a perfect solution to a breakup. Being with another person will help them get over their ex. They may realize what they lack when they cry for one person.
And you may be right. Your friend may move on sooner if they have someone else on their minds. But this isn’t the same as helping them eat or drink. You think you know them better than them, and they need a new fling.
But this isn’t your decision to make.
I have seen at least ten friends getting into a new relationship within two weeks of their breakup. And only 1 of them lasted for six months. You can’t force your friend into something which has such a low success rate.
When your friend comes out of a relationship, they carry a lot of baggage from it. They need some time to themselves to sort it all out. Only when they have sorted their feelings and are sure of it, they’ll be able to thrive in a new relationship.
So let them take that time out.
. . .
6. Avoid badmouthing the other person
How many times have you seen your friends getting back to their ex after a breakup?
When you see your friends cry over their ex, you may feel angry at the person. You may feel irritated and want to express it to your friend. Or better yet, you may want to convey your disappointment to their ex.
It’s perfectly okay to feel such emotions. But think before you act rashly.
Imagine if you speak your mind out with your friend. You tell them you never liked their ex. You list all the qualities you hate of the person. You think you are making your friend feel good by showing solidarity to them.
But the next week, you hear that they have sorted out their differences and reconciled. They are back together. No one can predict when this could happen.
But if it does, where will that leave you?
- Your friend now knows what you think of their choices. They won’t want to discuss their relationships with you. They’ll always know you hate their partner.
- Your friend may have shared your dislike with their partner. And now you have an uncomfortable relationship with the person. They know exactly how low you think of them.
Either way, your relationship with your friend will be in strain. So avoid passing comments on their ex.
. . .
7. Don’t be quick to show the positives of it
When we are not in the situation, it’s effortless to see a silver lining.
You may think your friend is better without that person. You may think this breakup is an opportunity for your friend to focus on themselves. They’ll be happier now. They’ll find some person better.
You may be right about it all. And your friend will someday see the benefits of getting away from that person. But I pray you keep these opinions to yourself, especially in the early days of the breakup.
Right now, their minds are all messed up. You can never show them how this hurt and pain they are feeling could be a good thing. No one wants to think of the prospect of a better future without their love. Remember until a few ago, that person was their future.
Never say one of these few things to your friends suffering from a breakup.
- They didn’t deserve you. You deserve better.
- Your life will be better without them in it.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- Stay strong. Cheer up.
- It’s for the best.
You should not use these phrases while talking to your friend. But you can always show they matter through your actions.
. . .
8. Quit words that invalidate their feelings
I know you if you are reading this, you genuinely want to help your friend. You care for them and want to do the best for them.
But sometimes, even the best plans pan out to be wrong if we are not careful enough. You may say things with their best intentions at heart but end up hurting your friend.
You may think they are overreacting and that their relationship wasn’t that great. But please don’t say something that renders your friend’s feelings insignificant. It’s better to be careful in critical conditions like this.
Do not use these statements when talking to your friend about their experience.
- At least you didn’t get serious/married to the person. That could be a lot worse.
- You shouldn’t feel this way. You should get over it.
- You shouldn’t have given them a chance in the first place.
- Let it be. Don’t overreact.
These statements might make your friend think that what they are feeling isn’t that big of a deal. Right now, they need your empathy and understanding.
. . .
Final Thoughts
Every person is different. So how your friend reacts to these will be different too. Don’t go overboard with any of the tips. You know them better than me. You’ll need to understand what will work for your friend. You can always ask them what they want.
Choose a few that will benefit your friend’s case.
Helping your friend out in such a problematic situation will improve your friendship. You’ll create a better and more meaningful relationship with your friend.
Also, thank you for being such a good friend. It’s uncommon for people to think so much about the well-being of others. I’m sure your friend will appreciate your thoughts too.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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