Let’s face it. You’re messing up your relationship. It’s going south, and you have no idea what to do about it.
It’s not your fault. Education doesn’t teach these things. How are supposed to learn these skills? Blind luck?
It’s one more thing that western society leaves down to chance.
Does it keep you up at night, staring into blank, dark, space, with your hands on your forehead?
I’ve been there. We all have.
Whilst some conflicts are almost impossible to solve. Others are merely approached in the wrong way.
By the way, it’s not your fault dear one, it’s a skill, and you have the capacity to learn.
It’s so easy to become entrenched in a battlefield in a relationship, and I don’t use that word lightly.
Two people dig into their positions and seem immoveable until on one says to their friends: “Please, let’s not go there with Gareth.”
Let’s not go there might be conflict talk for: “I don’t know how to handle this subject”.
“They are unbearable when we talk about this”.
Often those stagnant areas become buried amongst the depths of frustrating, cyclical, arguments; inconvenient, or unpleasant experiences when either person has been in a mood.
Let’s face it. It’s more likely that a man will go silent or aggressive when they’re experiencing unpleasant or confusing emotion.
Struggle to celebrate emotion? All of us can struggle with getting curious around emotions because they can feel uncomfortable or scary.
The fear of disconnection, or shame, has a lot to do with the stagnancy that can happen around in relationships.
It’s normal to feel scared of your partner’s reaction to what you think or to feel that they might not love you because of that.
Firstly, we are not only how we feel. We are made up of thousands of experiences; those had and those yet to come.
You can and will change your mind.
Secondly, if we can bring ourselves to the present moment and connect with our heart, then we can find a level of presence and awareness of how we feel.
Thirdly, the antidote to shame is empathy; sharing emotions with your partner in an active way.
Ultimately, if our relationships are healthy, then we communicate with each other. We get curious instead of critical.
No one out there is superhuman; we all get triggered and prodded by things that make us feel unsafe. We react in anger, and fight, flight, or freeze.
Everyone has patterns that they go to when they’re in these modes. It’s good to give space around anger, let yourself or your partner calm down.
Circling back on these moments in a curious mindset can be an effective way to allow both people to understand what happened and how the other person felt, what you might need to be aware of in the future.
Do you, or your partner, have something that needs work?
That’s good, set standards, boundaries, and agreements around that.
A beautiful way to get more precise about how you feel and who you are.
What lines did they cross? Which ones did I cross? What is and is not O.K. for both in a relationship.
Boundaries are a great way to allow a partner to know who you are, and they create robust and secure relationships.
Examples of boundaries are:
“I need space in the morning when I’m eating breakfast”.
“I need us to have an intentional talk around emotions once a week”.
“I don’t find it acceptable when you communicate in this way”.
There are areas of life that people in loving relationships see very differently; we all have different priorities. There must be conflict; it’s healthy for a relationship to have a small amount of friction.
Otherwise, we’d be the same person. That would be boring. Variety is the spice of life. Yet when it comes to conflict in these areas, what is our approach?
First, let’s explore the ways that we can commonly miss the boat in terms of conflict:
Desperately seek resolution
If you get frantic there’s almost no chance to resolve the issue, you’re moving from a space of anxious attachment, and lack within yourself. Often this will send the other person into avoidant energy, to try to balance the situation.
Remember that most people don’t like to escalate the conflict, although the avoidant nature can cause an anxious personality to keep moving towards the issue, or physically towards the person.
When I move from a space of desperation, I do not see a clear picture of all the aspects of the situation.
Tips to evolve this:
Keep a grounded and centred energy throughout the conflict, if you notice yourself becoming reactionary, or your breathing becomes short and shallow, take a moment to stop and breathe, reevaluate.
No significant conflict is going anywhere, and it’s best to engage with it in a calm and centred space, in a constructive and cooperative mind frame.
Listening only to speak
If you’re listening to amass all the data you need to launch into your defence or your witty reply, then stop right there. Breathe, and take a moment.
What are your goals in this conflict?
- Do you want to come through the ‘good’ one?
- Do you need approval or validation?
- Are you worried about seeming weak or inadequate?
- Do you feel unheard
These questions are common in conflict, and they block you from resolution.
They are born from insecurity with yourself rather than the relationship.
Tips to evolve this:
The way to repair a rupture in the relationship is to connect with your beloved.
Listen to how they feel, what values are you challenging?
Where did they feel compromised?
Where are they hard on themselves? — where do they doubt themselves?
Understanding that not all conflict is necessarily about the relationship dynamic, it’s more about the personal journey of the person. They might be asking you, sometimes really awkwardly, to help them. They might need a mirror reflection of their behaviour.
Active listening is one of the most loving things you can do; it’s hearing someone, allowing them to journey through what they need to at that moment; to get back to themselves.
To decide for themselves. I am welcoming you back into the present moment.
Empathy misses
Empathy is how you build a connection with someone, by meeting them where they are; not correcting them, fixing, or educating them. These have their place, although most certainly not in conflict.
When there’s a rupture in the relationship, first try to reconnect then move from a space of connection. It’s not possible to repair a fracture or negotiate a conflict when moving from a place of correction.
The best you will achieve is scare or shame them into silence even if you don’t intentionally set out to do so.
I’ve taken these empathy misses from Brené Browns work:
#1: Sympathy — having to be a knower. Feeling bad for, not with.
#2: Gasp & awe
#3: Mighty fall — the disappointment of failure in others
#4: Block & tackle — so uncomfortable with the vulnerability that you scold them for it.
#5: Boots and shovel — A desperate need to make it better.
#6: If you think that’s bad… — confuse connection for competition
Tips to evolve:
Four empathy tips:
#1: See the world as others see it. Understand their perspective
#2: To be non-judgemental
#3: To understand another person’s perspective
#4: To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings
#5: mindfulness; heartfulness; paying attention
These actions will build a connection with someone else, rapport for their journey, they’ll make your partner feel held and heard, which will, in turn, inspire them to hear and hold you.
Connection is partnership, and partnership is love.
From there you can listen to them, hear what the emotion is means to them, where they hold it in their body, what might be underneath that emotion that needs to expressing and held in a safe space and respond.
Masculine and feminine in conflict
The masculine and feminine come from a very different place with emotion. I’m taking this from David Deida’s book ‘The Way of the Superior Man’.
Deida states that the feminine’s expressions are like clouds in the sky; fully formed, beautiful, and fluctuating based on her feelings. The feminine energy is like an endless ocean. Whatever a feminine person says comes from how they feel about a situation at that moment.
Masculine energy is different; a man’s word is his honour. A healthy masculine person will never say anything that they don’t feel in their core. They move from that long vision space; their purpose.
If each side is trying to move from a misunderstanding of the differences, the dispute will escalate.
Tips to evolve:
Meet each other where you are each are. Meet the feminine in feelings; connect, listen, and provide masculine certainty without imposing. Always offer an opinion whilst also honouring and praising the beauty of the feminine, and stating that you want what’s best for them.
Meet the masculine aligned to purpose and progression. Hold space for weaknesses; there’s a lot of shame here for the masculine. Hold space for them to express, there’s honour in an expression of emotion and standing in profound truth.
Aggression
Whenever you aren’t meeting your partner — if you blow up at them, raise your voice, stipulate what they should do, or become physically intimidating, you are aggressive.
Aggression is moving on anger and fear to create an environment where your needs are met over other people’s. It generally involves negative peace — the relief of tension rather than the resolution of conflict, furthermore it plays into ‘power over’ dynamics where one person’s needs are more important.
Microaggressions are very common; they occur when someone wants to shut down the conversation due to discomfort. They exist in the form of well placed tense silences, changing the subject, leaving the room, or using jokes and evasive behaviour to distract someone from repairing a rupture.
Tips to evolve:
It can be a tricky scenario to evolve, and it takes some radical honesty, authenticity, and the integrity of both parts.
Aggression comes from unresolved emotions and trauma; it’s essential to call out ‘power over’ dynamics. However, I wouldn’t advise doing this outright in a physically, or emotionally, abusive environment.
I’d always advocate leaving that environment, getting yourself into a safe place where you can heal and grow.
If it’s possible to do the work with a partner in this scenario, I’d recommend seeing a professional councillor or therapist; either on your own, together, or both.
It takes a good, long, look in the mirror. To recognise that there’s a lot of pain there; behind the aggression, that needs healing.
I was aggressive in many ways; verbally, emotionally. When I don’t feel comfortable, or I’m re-traumatised into childhood space, I’ll often push someone back with aggression. I still struggle with the residue of this.
It reminds me of the analogy of someone pushing you back against a wall, how far is going to take you until you push back.
When your back is against the wall, and you start feeling unsafe?
Set boundaries early if you can catch them.
Know that these aggressions are a survival mechanism if you can recognise that you don’t need them anymore as an adult and that you need to evolve through acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, and love then you’re on the right track.
I would like to add, never accept any aggressive behaviour if you can safely get out of it. It is not self-loving to accept aggression, and it doesn’t make you a nice person. Keep your respect.
Silence
Silence is a tool that plays into shame systems.
If you notice that you don’t feel heard more than one time, in a state of emotion, then be wary of the shaming tactic of silence.
What it’s saying is that your emotion is not valid here; it’s not appropriate.
Tips to evolve:
Calling out the fact that the silence is there can be useful, whether or not the other person will be open to hearing and evolving that is a different matter.
Ultimately it’s essential that your partner listens to you actively, and responds in the affirmation that they have heard you. They can go ahead and ask if you’d like feedback from there.
Acknowledgement is such a vital aspect of a healthy relationship.
Judgement and assumption
Building an identity for someone else in conflict is not understanding them or moving towards the repair.
Judging and assuming someone’s reality inevitably leads to miscommunication and more conflict.
Tips to evolve:
Move from a space of curiosity, ask genuine questions and move from authentic interest.
Any judgements and assumptions are a sign of the story that you have within yourself. Be willing to accept that.
I must be right
Sometimes you will think: “There’s no way that I’m wrong!”
I can almost guarantee that you’re missing something in this scenario. It is moving from a space of competition.
Whilst it’s good to know who you are, and stay centred and grounded in that, there’s a very different aspect to approaching a conflict needing to be right.
Tips to evolve:
If you are centred and grounded, you will know your perspective concerning the situation, and be willing to consider other options.
Closing thoughts
I have already stated that conflict in a relationship is so common, it’s necessary to have tough conversations, repair inevitable ruptures in trust, and work around different priorities.
These can be growing opportunities; they can foster connection and deeper relational space.
If I had one piece of advice for anyone on this Earth, it would be: Learn how to have uncomfortable conversations better.
It’s through these spaces that we create more understanding, love, and relationship to trust.
I wish you luck in navigating these human experiences.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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