A Better Marriage Requires Better Behavior

So, you say you want a better marriage—but do you? Don’t get me wrong. I’m psychotically optimistic that when a person knows what works and is willing to put it into practice, wonderful things can happen. Marriages can go from bad to better; from merely good to great. But there’s the rub. Actually putting new skills and techniques into practice is much harder than most are willing to do.

I get it. Change is scary. That’s why most people don’t do it. Better the devil you know, even if it is making you miserable.

And when you’re talking about a marriage, it’s never just one person creating the difficulties. And that’s what lets you off the hook. Instead of taking ownership for your part and stepping up to do better, it’s easier to focus on what your partner is or is not doing to improve their behavior.

I always hold out hope for my clients. I provide them with the information, tools, and skills that have been proven to improve relationships. I guide them. I support them. I just can’t make them use them. That choice is theirs alone.

Right now, I’m discouraged. My client Sam (not his real name) just got thrown out of his house and he’s not sure he’s going back. He isn’t sure he is even welcome. He has repeatedly asked his wife to stop doing a particularly harmful behavior. She’s knows it’s wrong but, at the moment she needs to make the choice not to do it, she’s flooded with hurt and anger. Her primal brain is disconnected from her prefrontal cortex. As a result, all rational thought is impossible and she gives herself permission to lose control.

Her defense—Sam makes her do it. And therein lies the fallacy so many people fall back on. Yes, Sam contributes to the situation. His emotions flare up and his rationality is lost too.

Both have blown through the warning signs that their emotions were taking over. Instead of using the exit ramps they both know exist, they double down, pointing fingers at the other, amping up the conflict until they crash and burn.

The truly sad thing is that, when they use the tools, when they monitor the level of their own emotional reactions, things are great. But each time they give themselves permission to engage in the old behavior, things escalate, and real damage is done.

And a marriage can take only so many hits before one partner cries, “Uncle.”

How close one partner is to giving up, how long before the marriage implodes, is the roll of the dice too many couples make. Only to lose in the end because it’s easier to tell yourself, “It’s not that bad”, or that it’s your partner’s fault, instead of taking ownership of your unproductive behavior and making the change that could save everything.

The question that irks me the most is, “Why do I have to be the one to do things differently?” The truth is you, you don’t. But someone has to be the hero. Someone has to go first if things are going to be different, better.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is one definition of insanity.

So, if you truly want a better marriage, you need to step up.  To go first. To be the change you want to see.

Either way, you will own, to some extent, the outcome.

If you want to do something different, have a better marriage, let’s talk. Learning and applying what works is the way to happier, more successful relationships.

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This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.

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