I’ve failed with women more than I can count. Failed approaches, dates, and whatnot. After twelve years, I became somewhat of a “master” in starting conversations which lead to dates. And I can do this anywhere, anytime. It’s a great feeling, knowing you’ll never have to settle for a relationship you don’t want.
Knowing you can go out there and create better opportunities with women. In business. Career. Or any other area in life. However, most men never even make the approach.
Anxiety takes over men and paralyzes them
Men are afraid of rejection. So they do nothing. Or they’d rather use the apps which fail them too. Sometimes, they come up with dozens of reasons why girls aren’t into them and how screwed up the world is. But men who are willing to take action and improve their lives succeed. They make it sooner or later. Here’s what you must do to get there:
Step #1: Deal with your anxieties
Listen man. All of us are stressed out when it comes to talking to people you’re attracted to. It’s natural. I deal with anxiety like a pebble in my shoe: I accept it’s there and act anyway. Baby-step your interactions the next time you’re out at the bar (yes, you must get out of your house).
You don’t have to approach the hottest people first. Talk to the guard while you wait in line to get in. Throw a word or two to the others in line as well. “Sorry, how long have you been waiting to get in?”Get inside and ask the bartender for a beer. Talk to your friends. Find the most mundane things to talk about just to get into a talkative mood.
You don’t have to come up with a genius pickup line. I talk about “usual things” all the time.
Step #2: Compliment or comment about the situation
When I approach women, 99% of the time I compliment or use a situational opener. Two weeks ago I noticed a girl sitting at the bar with her friends. Our eyes randomly met. “Cheers,” I said and lifted my beer in the air. “Cheers,” she replied, smiling. I jumped on the opportunity and went over. Asked her what is she drinking. That girl was HOT. We went on to talk about her unique name and how she just moved into town with her boyfriend.
If I don’t use a situational, I compliment. “I like the way you dance”. “I like your earrings”. As long as it’s honest, say it. Keep it light and you’ll always find what to say.
Step #3: The law of repetition
Here’s a trade secret: conversations don’t usually open on the first try. It takes 2–3 times to re-initiate the conversation for the girl to talk back.
Women can be anxious as much as we do. Especially if you spark their interest. They don’t always know what to say. So they keep quiet. Or act a bit crazy saying stupid things. Many times, they don’t “reject” you. They just don’t know better.
The second thing to remember is, that women usually test men. They want to see what you’re made of so they don’t waste their time with a “loser”. So they give us shit. Don’t back off too quickly. Re-initiate the conversation.
Step #4: The Transition
This also applies to the apps. Usually, when you approach a girl, the first few minutes will be a “fun time”. You’ll flirt, laugh, and break the ice. But after the initial talk, I dial it down. I just stand there and drink my beer. I withdraw my verbal energy, and let the girl contribute to the conversation. If she doesn’t, I’ll make “the transition” and talk about more “serious” stuff. What does she do. Where’s she’s from. I want to get to know her.
The Transition won’t always happen in a linear fashion, since conversations don’t follow a logical order. But I do keep it in mind- I know I gotta make the transition sooner or later
Step #5: Listen and connect
Do this right and you’ll never run out of things to talk about. Let’s say a girl told you she’s from France and came to study biology in your town for the summer. You can direct the conversation in a few ways from here. One, you can ask about her country. “Have you been born there? I’ve never been to France”. Second, you can ask about her studies. “Biology is interesting. I Studied it in high school. I like physics better, though. Do you plan to be a doctor or something?” This question aims at the topic of “dreams and aspirations” of life.
She’ll reply, and then I’ll do the same thing again. I either comment or ask a question. You can do this three times in a row if you wish. People love to talk about themselves.
Step #6: No filters
Don’t think too much. Whether in real life or text, say whatever comes to mind unless it’s offensive. Statements. Questions. Compliments. Jokes. A nice tease. It’s hard to go wrong when you’re in the moment and have good intentions for the people around you. Don’t worry “she’ll get mad” or something. Guys are afraid they’ll mess it up, so most of the time, they either say nothing or agree with the girl on everything she says. No filters. Speak up.
Step #7: Always go for the close
This is a best practice I recommend you follow, especially if you don’t have much experience. You approached the girl, made a conversation, maybe spent an hour or two together, and now you seal the deal. Tell her, “Let’s swap phone numbers”. And hand her your phone with the keypad open. The law of repetition also applies here, so sometimes I ask again. If you get the number- great. If not, don’t worry about too much. Consider if you can do something better next time and then move forward.
Sometimes there’ll be nothing new to learn. Either way, you’re getting yourself in the habit of going for what you want. And that’s what matters
Conclusion
Connecting with women can seem tough. The anxiety, fear of rejection, and all the little mind games we play with ourselves aren’t easy. But it’s well worth it. I don’t think men have much choice, either. They can deal with their fears and go for what they want, or risk not meeting any women their entire lives. That’s the harsh truth. Gather some courage and go for what your heart desires. You’ll find you become more courageous and confident with time.
Get my free ebook, “Life Lessons From Getting Rejected by Hundreds Of Women”
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash