We have all taken part in this scene in some part of our life.
You’ve just met someone that you’re interested in, and you’re in the talking phase of dating.
You want to leave a good impression and not seem robotic, so you aim to give valuable responses.
The problem is that you put so much energy into these responses that it can give you anxiety.
You start thinking about delivery, time of responses, and depth, and before you know if you’re taking screenshots and phoning a friend.
Before we start, take a deep breath.
The rush and anxiety you get come from being excited and partly putting your new prospect on a pedestal.
Yes, you want to treat your prospect with respect and show interest. No, it should not come at the expense of your energy.
I get it. Making a good first impression is vital, but there’s a simple way to do it that will alleviate your concerns.
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Keep it short
The first thing people make mistakes with is the sheer length of a text they want to send.
I covered this in my article on mistakes not to make in the talking phase.
I suggest you read the article, but to give you the core of this bullet point in the article:
- You have to kill the novel
- You have to get to the core of what you’re trying to say
- You have to put the ball in the other person’s court
Let’s dig in deeper.
You need to kill the over-talking because you are attempting to cover too much content in one message.
You can overwhelm someone when you send a novel because it does not give them a central focus in your back-and-forth.
Also, the length of your messages subconsciously shows your interest level.
Have you ever gotten a one-word response from someone and thought they had zero interest in you? They probably didn’t, right?
What do you think the subconscious reaction to receiving a novel from someone you just started talking to would be?
Scale it back and give direct answers to questions you receive. It is the talking phase; people don’t care THAT much.
My rule of thumb; no message you send should be longer than two sentences long. It will keep the other person engaged and put the ball in their court to ask for more.
It will keep the other person engaged if you do not come off like you’re jumping at the opportunity to talk.
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Do it, don’t think about it
I see this too often with friends. I am not making fun of anyone because I have been here too.
You’re huddling up, thinking about how you’ll respond using your message. You’re discussing this as if you are at a president’s roundtable briefing.
We all need a friend’s advice sometimes, but take the reins on your communication before asking others.
If you have to think long and hard about a text you’re sending, you don’t need to send it.
Why?
Because that message or voice you used in that perfectly written message isn’t who you’ll be when you are face-to-face, and it shows.
I don’t want to hit you with the age-old phrase, “be yourself.” You’re about to get it. If what you are sending isn’t personal to you, don’t send it.
You are getting anxious because you feel that being yourself and saying something in the style you naturally do will turn someone off.
If it does, then let it turn them off! Building a relationship in the talking or texting phase is not about how one person feels. You are equally valuable.
Ask a friend if there is genuine confusion on how to answer something. I am not telling you to be reckless and feel you have to do everything alone.
The more you ask a friend, the more it snowballs into not having natural confidence. You will question everything you’re sending.
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Get face to face
The easiest way to kill the overthinking while you’re texting is to not communicate over text!
My point here is the goal needs to be getting face-to-face as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if you met on a dating app or if you have gone out on multiple dates with someone.
You are not a teenager; get as far away from your phone as possible.
If you meet someone on a dating app, it should not take you any longer than 3–5 messages to move the communication to text.
If you are texting someone, it should not take any longer than 3 to 5 more to set up a date. Some of you are wondering how that is even possible.
- You can start either of these scenarios with an introduction.
- Next, there should be a question to get a lengthy response. (Before you scratch your head, I said YOU shouldn’t send novels. (It might take more than one message.))
- Lastly, “I’d like to hear more about that. Want to grab a drink?”
People think there is a secret recipe to getting someone face-to-face.
The secret recipe: leverage mutual interest, mystery, and time.
Two people interested in each other should want to get face-to-face as soon as possible.
Mystery comes from wanting to learn more about you because you were smart and didn’t send novels to questions.
You won’t seem over-eager and readily available if you are direct and ask for a time to connect. You sound like someone who values time and connection.
You bypass the time for people to play games in the back-and-forth. Conversely, attraction and interest fade with time if you have not met. Do not become a pen pal.
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It is exciting to meet someone new and hop in the talking phase.
That portion of time is vital to moving forward with dating.
Use the recipe.
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Want to ask me a direct question related to the topics I discuss? Reach out to me directly on Instagram @ Tunde.Awosika_
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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