My cousin recently told me a story from when he was growing up. His mother, who was a teacher, told him he had to get better grades. So, he worked had and after nine weeks he’d earned 4 As and 3 Bs. For the first time in his life he was proud to present his report card to his parents.
Unfortunately, his mother wasn’t as satisfied with his effort as he was.
“Why isn’t it all As?” she asked.
“Oh you don’t like that?” my cousin said immediately. “To heck with you, the next time it will be all Fs.”
True to his word, the next time he brought home a report card it was all Fs. His mother took one look at the grades and burst into tears.
My cousin told me this story when he was forty-six years old. He tells it without remorse, and even takes pride in his response to his mother’s criticism.
The thing I took away from his story was the fact that even now, decades after the event, he clearly still carried pain from his mother’s failure to recognize how much of an effort he had made.
As parents, it’s our duty to help our children achieve as much as they can. Some people scoff at the idea of giving out “participation trophies.” They think that children shouldn’t be rewarded until they have achieved something significant. However, parents that refuse to acknowledge effort often set their children up for failure.
The double standard
It’s funny how the idea of tough love only goes in one direction. Parents that refuse to give their kids a pat on the back for getting all As and one B, still expect their children to shower them with affection.
“Back home from work dad?”
“Yes.”
“How much will you make this year?”
“About $50,000.”
“Only $50,000? Why aren’t you making a million? Get out of here you lazy bum!”
The problem with being results oriented is that you can always claim the results aren’t good enough. People can constantly move the goal line to rob you of any sense of achievement.
“Oh, you made the basketball team? Tell me when you win a game.”
“Oh, you won a game? Tell me when you win a tournament.”
“Oh, you won a tournament? Tell me when you get a scholarship to college.”
Any achievement is made up of a thousand little successes. Any one of those successes is an opportunity for praise. Any parents that withhold praise as part of a misguided pursuit of a loftier goal are just being cruel.
Washing the dishes
I have two daughters and one of their chores is washing the dishes. Recently, my wife came home and criticized them because some of the dishes weren’t clean enough.
She was right. The girls hadn’t done a good enough job.
The next day my wife came home and they hadn’t done the dishes at all.
“Why didn’t you do the dishes?”
“Well, you yell at us if we do the dishes, and you yell at us if we don’t do the dishes. If we’re going to get yelled at no matter what, we might as well skip doing the dishes.”
The girls were right.
Teaching children means giving them an opportunity for success. They want to please their parents. If they make an effort to please you, even if they don’t quite succeed in their objective, you still want to provide them with encouragement to try again.
Parenting doesn’t have to be miserable
Every now and then it’s important in life to appreciate the things you have. If you decide there are 10 things in life that will make you happy, and you get 7 of them, you don’t want to risk all that you’ve gained in pursuit of the 3 things you lack.
All that gets you is nothing.
A child that is eager for your praise is definitely something you have to tally on your happiness ledger.
A child that always does everything perfect is unattainable.
Don’t destroy your child’s eagerness to please you in a delusional pursuit that you’re helping to make your child perfect.
All that does is destroy them.
The only thing that’s perfect is a solid work ethic
Every basketball player knows that sometimes the shots don’t fall. However, if you push through the hard patches and continue to give consistent effort, you’ll win more often than you lose.
A parent that says, “Why were you only 7 for 15 shooting?” is a lunatic.
I once got into a discussion with some friends online. They were berating the concept of the participation trophy. The funny part was that they were all marathon runners.
“Don’t they give you a medal for finishing a marathon?”
“Yes.”
“Did you win?”
“No.”
“Then isn’t that a participation trophy?”
Somebody got mad at me and said, “Are you against giving out medals at the end of marathons?”
“No,” I replied. “I’m against disparaging people for earning participation trophies. I’m also against hypocrisy.”
Your child is a reflection of your parenting
People are often way too hard on their kids. This comes from a delusional sense that being strict is the only way to be a parent. However, if a tactic doesn’t get results, then it’s the parent who is to blame.
“My kid’s out of work, he’s not married, he’s in trouble with the law. It’s not my fault because I always told him he had to get his act together.”
“No, it IS your fault because you clearly didn’t provide the guidance and affection the child deserved.”
Strict parents are unlikely to agree with this assessment. They’ll swear up and down that the child is to blame and that they did everything they could. They want to be praised for their effort instead of the results.
Isn’t that interesting?
Some children succeed despite having terrible parents. Some parents have excellent parents and still fail. There are no guarantees. All we can do is give our best effort and, statistically, we should win more often than we lose.
Withholding praise is not giving your best effort. It’s not “tough love,” it’s just selfish and lazy.
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Anyone can celebrate a major achievement. Good parents help their children overcome the thousands of obstacles that litter the long road to success.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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