A Spotify Playlist for When You Realize You Can’t Outrun Your Embarrassing Existence

You’d think with the type of content I’ve become a pro at sharing with the world, I’d be impervious to embarrassment.

I write stories about mistakingly making it sound like I’m having an incestuous relationship with my brother. I write brazenly about my erotica phase and how I get super turned on by the idea of sexually liberated aliens. I talk endlessly about masturbating in weird places — so many ticklin’ the tortious jokes, they aren’t even funny anymore.

Seemingly I wouldn’t be one to get embarrassed over anything.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. I embarrass myself daily because of my penchants for oversharing. Also, I seem to have the ability to misread any situation I’m thrown into. And I throw myself into a lot of strange circumstances. Maybe I subconsciously do this because I know that it will provide fantastic stories in later days.

Or perhaps I’m a sucker for punishment—that deep sort of emotionally traumatic punishment that is nearly impossible to outrun.

One might think that I should invest in some good old-fashioned therapy to come to terms with the shit storm that is my life. Therapy could probably definitely help. I, however, don’t like feeling feelings. Feelings make me super uncomfortable.

(I hear how this sounds, you guys.)

So instead, I crank the tunes and bury my humiliation so deep within my soul, not even those pigs that sniff out truffles in the forest could find it.

It’s been working out okay so far.

If you’re like me and have a mouth that just won’t quit (that sounded way dirtier than I intended it to), then fire up the old Spotify and check out this playlist.

Disclaimer: For When You Want To Crawl Into A Hole Playlist will only do the trick if you listen to it at top volume while scream-singing the lyrics off-key and watching yourself ugly cry in the bathroom mirror, while also trying to apply make-up so you can remind yourself that you are a half-decent looking human being.

It Wasn’t Me — Shaggy (perhaps the worst song ever created)

For when you’re having sneaky sex in the spare room of your boyfriend’s parent’s house, and his mother comes in to check something on the family computer, so you both just lay there pretending to be cuddling while he is literally still inside of you and his mother is also in the same room.

The Sweet Escape — Gwen Stefani

For when you wave fanatically at some person, you think you know on the street only to realize you certainly do not know them, but then you feel like it’s too late to turn back now, so you walk right up to them and begin an animated conversation as if you two go way back.

Gimme That Nutt — Eazy-E

For when you simply want to remind yourself that if this used to be your favourite song, you MUST have done at the very least a little maturing over the years. Sure, you can still embarrass yourself on the regular, but at least you’re not obsessed with Eazy-E anymore.

Except you’re listening to Eazy-E right now and loving every minute of it, so there’s that.

Just A Girl — No Doubt

For when you queefed for the first time during sex, and for some unbeknownst reason, you adamantly tried to convince your partner that it was a fart and not a queef.

Walk of Shame — P!nk

For when you got into the passenger side of the wrong car at the gas station and your husband was in the next car over, crying, he was laughing so hard.

Another One Bites The Dust — Queen

For when you liked your crush’s Facebook photo from three years ago by accident while you were deep-creeping their profile page.

Don’t Speak — No Doubt

For when you are talking with your drunk uncle over Thanksgiving dinner and have to ask him to repeat himself twenty-three times before remotely comprehending what he is trying to convey. And then you end up feeling like a failure for not being able to translate his drunk speech.

Never There — Cake

For when you professed your undying love for someone you’d only been on one date with. But through the course of that one date, you had already constructed an elaborate life together with this person in your imagination. And then shit gets weeeeird.

In Too Deep — Sum 41

For when the corner store clerk who you’ve engaged in conversations with for the last five years keeps calling you Betsy even though your name is Lindsay, but you’re too nonconfrontational to correct them.

Who’s even named Betsy anymore?

The Joker — Steve Miller Band

For when you think of something funny you read earlier that day while walking your dog and then you can’t stop laughing. There you are, a bag of dog shit in your hand and laughing unstoppably as you mosey down the street trying to hide the stupid grin on your face but failing hard.

Out The Window — Violent Femmes

For when you had insanely explosive diarrhea in the staff bathroom at work, and then your coworker went to use the bathroom afterwards and ran out seconds later gasping for air because it was so putrid in there.

Absolutely (Story of a Girl) — Nine Days

For when you complain about your “blackened chicken” order looking like it is burnt and the server has to patiently explain to you that this is the point of blackened chicken.

Also, your husband is a chef, so you should know this.

Sex & Candy — Marcy Playground

For the time, you were unbelievably drunk at a party and looked directly into the soul of some poor dude sitting on the opposite couch and slurred, “Nice socks, wanna bang?” And then the dude just got up and left without saying a single word.

Closing Time — Semisonic

For the time you were on a blind date, and you thought it was going great, but then when you went in to give him a goodnight kiss, he pulled back in disgust, shot you the finger guns and simply said, “No thank you!”

Long As I Can See The Light — CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

For when you dropped your phone in a public toilet that one time and without even a second thought, you reached into that pee-filled toilet (not your pee, either) and grabbed the phone screaming, “No no, no no!!!”

The Other Side — The Greatest Showman, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron

For when, after writing a playlist article combining horrible moments in your life along with the strangest combination of songs that make absolutely no sense when played together, you realize none of it matters because you’re, like, the most interesting person you know.

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Previously Published on medium

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