Divorced Dad Patrick Sallee lays down the four non-negotiables he needs in a partner.
___
I invited a woman I was dating over for dinner and to meet my daughters. The girls were charming and funny and it was great. My date brought these perfect books, specifically for their very different personalities … Spider-Man and princesses. After the expected excitement my daughter says, “Daddy, your other friend brought us cookies …” so awkward and so hilarious! Such is life dating after divorce.
Dating in general is hard. I don’t know anyone, anywhere who doesn’t say the same. Whether you have been through a divorce, have kids, don’t have kids, never been married, it doesn’t matter. It is hard. My second effort hasn’t been any easier. It has been challenging, motivating, and I have certainly learned a lot. I’m an entirely different man than I was before I was married. Priorities are different. How I relate to people is different. The qualities I bring to a potential dating partner are definitely different.
I simultaneously have both deep, intense regret that my first marriage didn’t work out, and no desire to return to that relationship.
|
When I think about my biggest challenge personally and what I am asking a partner to understand, it’s this: I simultaneously have both deep, intense regret that my first marriage didn’t work out, and no desire to return to that relationship. Getting into a relationship and expecting a person to understand this strange dichotomy often seems too much to ask.
I have been pretty lucky though; I’ve met some truly amazing women, even if at the time I didn’t realize just how special they were. I can now see those I might have let get away. And I know I was too busy overthinking and questioning my choices. Over time, I’ve learned I need to be firm on a few things I need in a partner. I’m hoping these will be lessons that stick, so if the right person comes along I won’t be too confused to recognize her. Just in case, I’ve written them down.
♦◊♦
1. She stands for something.
Attraction and chemistry are definitely important, but with all the lessons life has thrown my way, I find myself appreciating time with people who stand for something. In our society, in 2015, it is far more popular to go negative and oppose something. Pick a topic, and whatever it is, the loudest voices are speaking against it. I find it far more attractive and meaningful when someone actively supports an idea or cause. I also know that a woman that stands firmly for her beliefs will bring a lifetime of positive impact to me and my daughters.
2. She likes children.
It still amazes me how quick I am to picture a woman around my daughters and wonder how she will be with them.
|
It still amazes me how quick I am to picture a woman around my daughters and wonder how she will be with them. I think it is natural when you meet someone after divorce, particularly if you are a excited about them as a potential second chance, to envision that person in other parts of your life.
Luckily, dating for me isn’t about meeting a woman who can mother my girls. They have a wonderful mom, and no one is replacing her in their lives. But I am looking for someone who can relate to them, love them for who they are, laugh with them, and be a shoulder to cry on when parents just don’t understand.
3. She is resilient.
Not that it requires having been through a divorce … but has her heart ever been broken? Does she understand deep, painful heartache?
|
While it has been nearly three years since my ex and I separated, I can’t claim to be entirely past everything that went wrong. My view of relationships is still broken and complicated. One thing I’ve learned is that not everyone is prepared for that. As I have met new women, I find myself attracted to the layers, to their own brokenness, to our common ground and the resilience that comes with life experience. Not that it requires having been through a divorce … but has her heart ever been broken? Does she understand deep, painful heartache?
I think I see an inspirational quote every minute on Instagram, specifically about overcoming our failures, learning from mistakes, and being a better person each day. These mantras can get tiresome, but that doesn’t make them less true. We aren’t defined by the mistakes we make, but by the response we have to those mistakes. So, I like meeting women who have been through tough relationships, or maybe their childhood wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies … what has she made of that? How does she view life’s ups and downs? I admire a woman who owns her flaws and grows stronger because of them. We could all use more people in our lives like that.
4. She makes me nervous—in a good way.
Every time it happens, they give me the same advice, “Just call her, dad.”
|
You’d think I would want someone I felt totally comfortable with, but here’s the thing. While I know that kindness and generosity are imperatives to a lasting relationship, early on, I am also attracted to a little bit of mystery. Am I doing or saying the right thing? Is the interest reciprocated? I think that is pretty natural, and it is positive when that feeling sticks around a little while. If things go well, this translates to the nervous excitement about what potential is ahead. This excitement is critical!
My girls regularly ask if I have been hanging out with any “friends” recently. They are sharp little people and can tell when I get excited. And every time it happens, they give me the same advice, “Just call her, dad.”
♦◊♦
At the end of the day, I understand dating isn’t all about how a woman fits into my life. I have to fit into hers, too. While my daughters are old enough to be curious, they are far away from dating age. Still, I see this as an opportunity to set an example for them. They are observant and smart and realize things are different at dad’s house. When they do get to that age, I hope they will remember a few things from this time: that I was always trying to do better, to treat people with respect, and to find a person who is right for me and right for all of us.
Photo—Ian D. Keating/Flickr
“I want to take this chance to say something about Dr. Todd and his work. You can go on the internet and find all kinds of people who say this or that about what they claim to be able to do. But ask them for a reference they can call up or e-mail and you get a blank wall. With TODD he will give you a phone number or two and also several e-mails from past clients. These people will tell you that unlike the majority of fake spell casters on the internet his stuff works. My husband and I… Read more »
I loved reading your article just now. I left my sons father when my son was just two years old. He’s nine now. His father and I are now divorced and on very good terms considering it was one of the most painful and difficult things I’ve ever experienced. Occasionally when I think back, the memory still makes me cry. After forcing myself back into the dating game and going on inumerable dates with wildly unsuitable candidates, I found someone that I and my son are now living with. We have a very good relationship overall, but one thing that… Read more »
Although i really enjoyed your article,it was both enlightening and funny,i’ve totgiven up on relationships period.ive had my son,now 17 and daughter,now 14 for 13years.I’ve had one relationship that lasted off and on for 3years,three years ago.i really think it’s more me than the women or kids.if the children like them i usually find a reason out,and visa versa.anyone out there with any advice for me.am i being selfish for not trying to give them a chance at seeing what a real family can consist of,or am i just bent on deeper other issues.anyway,any is plenty……advice wanted and needed.