I remain one of the most aggressive beaters of the self-love drum. Self-love is the foundation for healthy relationships and any we try to build while it’s undeveloped will crumble. Self-love is the faucet from which all other love flows. I said that to say, sometimes we don’t let the other love flow. We establish the foundation but resist building on top of it.
We get stuck. We sit still instead of progressing forward. Instead of getting to the point where we love ourselves enough to let other people love us.
Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to give anyone the opportunity to cut down the confidence we’ve worked to cultivate. We don’t wish to revisit the dark place of personal neglect and self-loathing someone once took us to. So, we keep people away as a means of protection.
The self-love bubble gets mighty comfy.
You wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and like the person you see. You can do yoga and read books and make it a Netflix night whenever you choose. Your wants and needs always come first as there’s no one to consult with or consider.
That’s the issue I’ve struggled with most often. I value my freedom and protect my peace. Sometimes to a fault. To where I’m shielding against issues that only exist in my mind. Never giving anyone the chance to disappoint or try to control me so that I can discover that they won’t.
There’s something to be said for coming home to a quiet house after a long day. For having an entire king-sized bed to yourself. Being able to take impromptu weekend trips or make last-minute plans to see a band you like is bliss.
You really do pour into yourself on a self-love journey. It’s a wonderful thing. A necessary thing. Often it feels so good that you want to stay in the world you’ve created — alone. To ensure it stays beautiful.
That’s another resistance-feeding idea.
We think that we can’t continue to love ourselves so intently while also loving someone else. We’re afraid of becoming who they need us to be at the expense of who we are.
Losing ourselves, abandoning the person we fought so hard to embrace is a legitimate fear. It indeed happens often in relationships. Sometimes without our awareness that it’s happening. This is why boundaries are important.
Then there are times when we’re simply content going it alone. Truly fulfilled. Our cups overflowing with joy. That’s what matters most, and we don’t need another person to achieve this state.
But you can feel like enough and crave being held, seen, and supported by someone else. You can enjoy walking your path and want someone to join you. This isn’t an either/or scenario.
The desire for love and belonging is one of our most inherent.
It doesn’t mean you think any less of your autonomy. Self-love can’t be a crutch that deprives us of nurturing human connection. One that causes us to refuse growth and learning to be vulnerable, compassionate, considerate beings.
Protect your heart from those who do it harm, yes. Absolutely and always. But let’s also open it to receiving from those who follow-through on their best intentions.
What I’ve learned is that when you love and care for someone without reservation, you want to make room for them in your life. Their presence isn’t a disruption or distraction. It’s a welcome addition that supports the love you have for yourself. That foundation you’ve put in place allows you to build the healthiest, happiest relationships imaginable.
The self-love journey is never ending. It doesn’t cease when you get a romantic partner, develop a close friendship, or spend time with family. You can do both and if it feels like you can’t, perhaps you’re loving the wrong people.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Rhand McCoy on Unsplash