I have been reading The Good Men Project for years. I came across this blog in my need to understand my position with respect to masculinity because I found myself in a position where, perhaps many men may know or understand, men are expected to find a camaraderie with men and a solace in their masculinity but also secretly dealing with a silent full on frontal attack from masculinity and thus men.
What was a gay boy to do when everywhere he went attempting to bond and create friendships, there was always this sour air that spoke words that negated his existence and even threatened to annihilate it with violence?
There were times I remember when I could have sworn they could smell the gay coming off of me, it was in the way they curled their nose, like they got a whiff of something slightly pungent, mixed in with that face one gives when they get an epiphany.
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This has been my struggle. This is why I came here, to know, perhaps—maybe, if I could also be a man, maybe…?
One thing I have learned in my journey of self-discovery is that there are things, no matter how much we want them to be, they just can never be. I learned this at 16 when I understood that being straight was never going to happen. You wouldn’t believe the mess I became after that day. It was a whole week of tears and then when the tears ran dry, it was followed by years of depression. It was not easy, especially when I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian setting that very comfortably stated things about people like me, not to mention the teasing I received from peers at school. It was trauma and gradual self-ruin. My youth still haunts me but it’s fine, I deal well enough.
I never fit in with the guys even though I attended an all-boys high school and grew up surrounded by just other guys, can you imagine the loneliness? I had not one person—well there was one until he launched into an extraordinary racist commentary about the nature of black people, and then things just weren’t the same anymore after that.
There were times I remember when I could have sworn they could smell the gay coming off of me, it was in the way they curled their nose, like they got a whiff of something slightly pungent, mixed in with that face one gives when they get an epiphany. It wasn’t because of body odor, I checked.
After high school I stumbled on this blog and for the first time I heard people, other men, talking about what it means to be a ‘man’ and I thought I have found my people. I would read the articles all night until my eyes got sore from the screen glare and then I would read some more.
But I don’t think I have yet to receive an answer to the question that has brought me here in the first place.
Can I also be a man?
I still ask this question because I still don’t feel like a man, that is to say, I still don’t receive the interaction from people and especially other men that would lead me to feel like a respected and equivalent man. Too many times I have sat in the company of men where most times, when guys get real comfortable, either around me or I unfortunately am within earshot—and just like my racist friend from high-school—launch themselves into an oral dissertation on the nature of gay people and gay men in particular. We all know the comments and in what way they are expressed because we have all sat through those conversations—some have even been the ones championing them. There is no need for me to replay them here. Too unnecessarily traumatic.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. There is a lack of representation in men’s spaces that only go to create a feeling of exclusion.
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What I have witnessed in real-life interactions and also on this platform, is that masculinity and being a man are linked and most troublingly is that it is expressed in terms that imply its relation to women and femininity.
Sure most men are straight, and rightfully the conversation will include analysis on how those many men interact with women and how their relationships are influenced by their expression of masculinity.
. . . but . . . I am always asking myself, what about me?
I surely can’t be such an isolated case that there is no relevant space for me? And so, I always feel like a peripheral man on the sideline of masculinity; wanting to enter the space but understanding that there is a greater group of men that also must have their space and deserve the airtime they are finally getting to release and free up their limbs from being trapped in ‘the man box’ for as long as they can remember. I think of these things while also questioning whether or not I even have any right to any space on this platform or conversation the way I feel so sidelined.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. There is a lack of representation in men’s spaces that only go to create a feeling of exclusion. Sure, lack of representation alone isn’t enough to claim an unwelcoming atmosphere, what causes it is a seeming reluctance of men to entertain those men that seek to put forward their faces to increase representation. It creates a perception that masculinity is for a certain group of people …
Sure, my issues as a male are different from the average male; I have to navigate my maleness and also my sexuality—not as in bedroom problems—but internal issues that eat me inside every now and then.
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That’s where the problem is with men’s platforms, there is a profound lack of identifying what makes a man and who can qualify to achieve manhood beyond mystic/ethereal concepts that don’t translate well into the lived experiences of the people that ask these questions.
Many times I have come across that philosophy that seems to say that one is a man if one says they are a man. This sound a little disingenuous to me because masculinity is not self contained, and I have an issue in denying the very real experience of most men who have felt the pressure to perform masculinity as ‘evidence.’ The most harrowing was when I was asked, very sincerely, to display my genitals because they just didn’t believe I was ‘male enough.’ If masculinity is performative then, it seems to me, it’s something only a chosen group can pull off because I just fail . . . repeatedly.
Not all issues of masculinity are about finding balance or ‘taming the lion,’ it is also about finding identity and relation to a part of us that we have never felt a part of—unless, of course, I was never part of it—just too different from the rest that it becomes meaningless to find identity amongst men as another man.
Sure, my issues as a male are different from the average male; I have to navigate my maleness and also my sexuality—not as in bedroom problems—but internal issues that eat me inside every now and then. And now I am understanding that I have never felt that men’s spaces provided me with the sense of belonging. Maybe I expected too much and these spaces aren’t for people like me. If that is so, it would be nice to be notified. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.
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Allan, I talked a bit about your post in my latest column, https://goodmenproject.com/families/my-father-made-me-a-man-bbab/.
I read your article, Graham. And I must say that I am thankful for it. Not only because of the careful and thoughtful words but because it brought me, personally, some comfort in myself. I will read the rest of the posts that you have referenced in your post. Thank you again.
If it’s any consolation, I too have wrestled with this question I am a male HSP(Highly Sensitive Person)
To my mind, each man must define masculinity is for himself(just as each woman or girl must define what femininity is for herself) rather than rely on convention on the media. You can be as much a man as a filling station attendant or waiter as you can be a lumberjack or a US Navy SEAL!
I never knew of the term HSP before. If I may ask, (i hope i wont be intruding too much into your personal life) is it a term that describes your ‘above normal’ level of emotional response or is a term that exists because the expected levels of emotional response for men is so low that you allowing yourself to fully experience your self deserves a special term?
Dear Allan, first of all no it isn;t being intrusive. The term “HSP/highly sensitive person” first coined by psychologist Elaine Aron(herself a HSP like C.G.Jung) refers to a boy or girl born with an above average perception of emotional and spiritual matters(particularly the sort of things that a “normal” person ignores or considers inconsequential- ie a sunrise or even listening to another’s heartbeat- as my friend Luiza( also a HSP) lets me do. Some may say”it;s just a heart beat or a sunrise-GET OVER IT!” but to me it represents the wonder and beauty of divine creation!
that sounds beautiful
I wish I had something really insightful to say in response. But the only thing I can think of is: what a great article. How important it is to hear this message.
Thank you, John
Allan, I forgot to add in my previous post … a man’s sexuality has nothing to do with his being more or less of a man. Men should be defined by countless other attributes … most important … our contributions to making our world just a little better.
Allan, Back in August I contributed an article to The Good Men Project called ‘Man Enough?’ It was based on the just completed summer olympic games when I saw a comment on the NBC coverage site about male divers not being men. Feel free to look for it in the archives. Thank you for your contribution to this critical, ongoing discussion regarding manhood and our own internal feelings that might be portrayed by society as less than a man … leading to greater inadequacy. Thank God, I have found great solace and support in participating in men’s groups. I also… Read more »
Hi Allan; I’m a woman and I think what you want most is to hear from other men, but I want to tell you as someone who has known a lot of gay men in my life, that I always see gay men as very much men. There is a wide gamut in the gay population as I’ve experienced it and there are gay men who are in some ways more feminine than I am (at times anyway). I have loved and adored some of those men and it can be so fun to share some of the perks of… Read more »
Perhaps that is my problem. I want to find ‘my people’ while at the same time I have grown up being told who ‘my people’ should be. So there was always this internalized need to exist in the same spaces with those kind of men for the sake of society, peers and parents, but those men demonstrate a kind of contempt towards homosexuality. This lead to me doing the most to heavily edit myself, and many gay men do in order to fit in, but it was just never enough. Now i am just tired and going through this phase… Read more »
…shame and disappointment towards myself for ever wishing to be part of people that never wanted me to be part of them in the first place.