Do you question the time between responses to a text, how a date went, or have thoughts about how others feel about you?
Maybe you overthink clips of every moment you highlight in the day.
Don’t worry; you’re not alone.
The behaviors you may feel are personal to you can develop from your attachment style.
While you may have a different method for expressing common behaviors, it is not a “you” problem but rather an opportunity for growth.
The anxious-avoidant attachment style comes with a set of behaviors that are affecting your dating life.
Not to worry; I will point out a few characteristics and advice on how to change behaviors before they affect your dating life too much.
When I speak about how attachment style affects your dating life, I am not talking about the first handful of dates; we are all bound to have a “wish this didn’t happen” moment on dates one and two.
I am referring to exclusivity and the honeymoon stage when behaviors begin to sculpt your prospective partner’s view of you.
You have power
Anxious preoccupied individuals can struggle with self-soothing.
You look for reassurance from your partners’ to validate your feelings and emotions.
You want a prospective partner who is supportive and willing to listen to the emotions that you feel and want to express.
In return, you should know what feelings and emotions you can work through under your power without needing someone else.
- Oversharing can become overwhelming, and when someone is not engaged, it can feel like a rejection, a trigger for your attachment style.
- It cannot be the responsibility of someone else to soothe every emotion running through your mind.
There is a double-edged sword of consequences that can result from not self-soothing.
You can have a prospective partner who wants to support your need to share but can experience fatigue when they feel they can’t soothe your emotional needs.
In turn, you might also feel trapped, rejected, and have anxiety that you are overwhelmed with emotions you want to express.
A solution to this is to identify your needs and boundaries in relationships. You will then be able to link what you feel to one of the two.
Expressing your emotion will be easier to process and talk through when it connects to a desire for a specific need.
Trust the process
A quality you have that you might see as beneficial to a relationship might be overbearing to others, and that is the need to bond and connect.
Don’t get me wrong; it is a good quality in small doses.
Anxious preoccupied individuals fear abandonment; as a result, any sign of space and departure will trigger the desire to close the gap.
- Every relationship goes through waves. Sometimes the fire is burning hot, but sometimes sparks are not always flying.
- These ups and downs are less personal to you than they are common occurrences over the course of any relationship.
My point is not that relationships are a rollercoaster. The reason you can feel a loss in connection can have many reasons that are not directly related to you.
It may feel like your desire to connect and get closer to your partner in dull times is a positive action.
If it is not in small doses, it can become overbearing and accusatory to the point where your prospective partner feels the weight is all on them.
Checking in is ok, but like the previous bullet point, acknowledge what you can reason within your mind and what is worth sharing.
You’re not a superhero
My last point might sound contradictory, but I will break it down. You do not have to do it all alone.
I know; I have been telling you to self-soothe and find a solution to your dilemmas.
As an anxious-avoidant, you can also over-supply and be a giver.
- My points above are to find inner strength and not give up pieces of yourself to make others happy.
- Don’t deny your need just to make someone else shape a different view of you.
If you do not find a healthy balance, then you will build resentment towards those who you are giving up pieces of yourself to please.
Do not sacrifice your happiness and expression; find a healthy balance where you feel respected and empowered.
You have more control over the unknown than you believe you do.
Also, keep in mind not to control the unknown.
These changes aren’t going to appear in your life overnight. You have to put work in, but the end goal is a set of healthy relationships in your life, whether interpersonal or romantic.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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