Are Cheaters Doomed to Do It Again?

Hey Glitch:

Once you cheat, are you doomed to do it again?

Signed,

Chester

Dear Chester:

That’s a great question that has everything to do with the person doing the cheating.

Anyone can change their behavior, but it is a matter of identifying why the cheating is happening. People who cheat are not the most secure people out there. Usually, humans do things because it gives them something in return. So, what are they getting from cheating?

Are they getting attention, validation; are they used to drama? Do they come from traumatic circumstances that make it hard to be in a healthy relationship?

Understand, I am not condoning the action. It is hurtful and immature. Cheating might become easier than breaking up, and if cheating is a deal breaker for the other person, they will be forced to initiate the breakup. Sometimes, that is exactly what the cheater wants.

No matter the reason they tell themselves or you to justify it, it’s wrong.

But people can change if they want to. People can do anything if they want to. When a person cheats and wants to stay faithful, they have to become their own barometer. They have to know when enough is enough and want better for themselves. I have never met a cheater who felt great about themselves. My sneaking suspicion is that they don’t like what they are doing either–unless they are a narcissist or dead inside–and that’s a whole other column!

It’s not for you to try and control this if you are the one being cheated on. That’s their job. Conversely, if you are the cheater, ask yourself why you are doing it. What is it getting you? Are you avoiding confrontation? Did the relationship get too serious and make you uncomfortable?

If you want to change, you will have to do the deep work of understanding why and then refuse to give in to the urge to cheat. Sit with your emotions, especially when you want to do something rash. You can stop and consider what you are about to do. If you are on the fence about cheating, think of the pain you are about to cause.

Also, why a person cheats usually has nothing to do with you. They are making a decision they haven’t consulted you about. If you’re in a relationship and you find out, if they don’t have the decency to fess up themselves, that tells you all the information you need to know. Then it’s up to you to decide how you want to proceed. That is something you’re in control of.

**************