So, you are single (and ready to mingle). But, you are beginning to think whether that is the hand life has dealt you.
At the rate things are progressing, you believe you are destined not to find someone you can call your “forever person”.
Are you fated to remain single? Is it unavoidable that you will be alone for the rest of your life?
No one is “destined” to be forever alone and single. No one is predestined not to seek love.
Then again, some people choose to not be in a relationship and remain single throughout their lives.
Some individuals actively make the decision to remain single, whereas others never quite find that person that is worth leaving the singlehood streets for.
Moreover, some individuals have things sitting on their path when it comes to developing a meaningful, healthy and lifelong relationship, but have a hard time understanding what those issues are.
So, in this piece, let us think about what may be stopping you from discovering love.
Why Is Finding Love a Pain in the A**?
The human beings around you appear to find it easy to form a long-lasting relationship. However, you beg to differ because you find it challenging. All you know is that you are still mystified about the struggle’s existence.
Perhaps your relationships were not meant to last forever. Alternatively, you keep finding yourself in relationships that only strip off your identity and happiness.
That does not mean life decides that you will be forever alone. It also does not mean that you will never find love, no matter what.
There may be some reasons why you are barely surviving to seek the relationship you yearn for.
They may be hurdles to tackle, but by paying attention to them, you could be amazed by the changes it makes to your love life.
1. You Harbour Unrealistic Expectations
“People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with.”
— Daniel Sloss
I have a friend who, when we were still in high school, had the highest expectations in the world.
She truly believed she was going to settle down and have children before she hit thirty. Because that was what she desired, she was stubborn not to offer any man who did not see as potential marriage material an opportunity. To me, that was an unreasonable demand, considering that we were still university students.
It meant that, although she wanted love to be in her hands, she swept aside numerous men and remained single for quite some time. She was years away from becoming a thirty-something and had yet to find her soulmate. Safe to say, she was not pleased about it.
After being in a bitter state for a couple of years, she was fortunate enough to meet a man who satisfied her expectations and was prepared for that kind of commitment right off the bat. Now, the happy couple is still pretty much happy.
Anyways, the message here is that she got fortunate to meet someone who met and eventually went beyond her expectations. However, she endured plenty of hardships in the meantime because she thought no man could live up to her standards, even though she was in a state of desperation trying to find someone to coexist with.
The sad thing is, loads of people are not as lucky as her. You are seeking a relationship with a real human being, anyways. Real human beings are not perfect; they have imperfections that you must be mature enough to understand and tolerate.
You are on the wrong planet if you are looking for someone who will tick every box on your list of what you are looking for in the perfect soulmate.
So, whilst it is beneficial to have healthy benchmarks in place, it is crucial to acknowledge that the right relationship for you may not necessarily fit the perfect relationship you fabricated in your head.
2. You Tend To Repeat Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
“Sometimes in life, your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson.”
— Brigitte Nicole
Your issue may be that you are a stubborn learner. You refuse to learn your lesson and are patiently waiting for the day that will prove to everyone that they are wrong and that you are right about a particular situation.
If you have an awful experience in a relationship, then it would make sense to assume that you would be alert to spot the same warning signs next time around and not repeat the mistakes.
However, if you seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, then you must take a long hard look at why that is the case and how you can get rid of these bad relationship habits.
Most of the time, you would find that the mistakes you made more than once were because of your decision not to change at all.
A mistake that keeps being repeated is not a mistake; it is a choice. And every time we repeat the same mistake, its price goes up. Much like a stock price, the risk of it backfiring on you is greater as the price of the mistake rises.
3. You Surrender Too Quickly When the Ride Gets Bumpy
Simon Le Bon once said:
“These days I think people give up too easily. Everyone says it’s about compromise, which it is. Love, compromise, promises, presents help. But ultimately it’s about not giving up. People are led to believe that if it’s not perfect then just ditch it and change it, these days. That’s a mistake.”
I have to agree with that. Why? Relationships are not as easy as spelling ABC. However, loads of people refuse to believe that.
If you think that the right relationship for you will be plain sailing forever and ever, you are not doing it right. You are on the path towards an enormous disappointment.
Your issue may be that you tend to escape the aircraft as soon as things turn complicated rather than remaining put and working on things, emerging stronger and wiser on the other side.
You must embrace the fact that love is not straightforward, and even the best relationships have their own unique issues.
Only if you can sincerely say you are willing to stay put through the struggles will you be able to create a long-lasting, healthy relationship.
4. You Have Commitment/Abandonment Issues
“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.”
— Neil Strauss
One of the most typical obstacles to stand in the way of people nurturing strong, healthy relationships is if they have problems concerning commitment or abandonment, whether they realise them or not.
If you and your commitment are not on good terms, then you will always come up with an excuse to pull the plug, regardless of how promising the relationship is.
When the honeymoon phase becomes a thing of the past, and things start to get more serious, you will be frightened all of a sudden and find some ways to distance yourself from them all.
If abandonment is haunting you, you may either drive people away because you would rather do that than permit them to hurt you, or be so clingy and mistrustful that the people you interacted with romantically cannot cope.
5. You View Yourself As Unworthy of Love
“Believing that you are unworthy of love and belonging or that who you are authentically is a sin or is wrong, is deadly.”
— Laverne Cox
If everyone else appears to have paired off and you have yet to leave the singlehood streets, then the issue may have something to do with your ego.
Perhaps the problem is that you do not think you are worthy of the love of another. Hence, you push people away and sabotage yourself whenever you do meet someone who could potentially be your forever person.
However, you cannot push people away all the time because someday, nobody will come back. When that happens, do not blame them for leaving.
Additionally, pushing people away and denying yourself love makes you weak, not strong, especially when you do it out of fear.
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Try to Have a Break (and Have a Kit Kat)
If you have been looking far and wide for love for a long time and nothing fruitful has come out of it, it may be worth pulling over before continuing the journey.
If you are going to have a successful relationship, you must first learn how to be happy alone. How to be satisfied with your own company and love yourself for who you are. It may sound like a cliché, but you cannot run away from the truth of it.
Pausing your dating quest can help channel your focus into other things, teach you how to rely on no one but yourself. Plus, some time out from dating prevents you from adding unnecessary pressure on yourself and on any romantic relationships you may develop in the future.
It excites you about the notion of dating again once you are prepared to resume your quest. However, in the meantime, it can help reinforce your other relationships and attain a better all-round balance.
Who Says Life Is Meaningless When Single?
In contrast to what society convinces us, choosing the single life is not a less valid way of living. It does not mean you will feel miserable, unfulfilled or lack memorable moments.
You can create a life full of extraordinary adventures with meaningful relationships and wonderful experiences.
Contrary to what popular culture may try to make you think, choosing to be single does not make you any less of a person.
You may miss out on certain things, yes. However, you will have experiences that couples never will.
However, if you choose to be single, you have to ensure that you are making the most out of your single life and surround yourself with a tribe of supportive people.
Never stop showering your relationships with family members and friends with all your love. Be aggressive when picking a career that fulfils you and drives you to do better.
Never stop learning, and always be curious about the world around you. It is much bigger than you think.
Live wherever you are happiest. Do things that fuel your passion. Do not sacrifice your identity for anyone.
You only have one shot at life. Hence, make sure you pick a path that puts a smile on your face, alone or with someone.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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