There is a show on Netflix called, “The Ultimatum.”
It follows a group of couples where one person is issuing an ultimatum to the other — either get engaged to be married or break up. Of course, the show involves all kinds of messiness made for good TV drama, but the premise got me thinking.
Are ultimatums in relationships always toxic?
Or are they the same as implementing a standard that you should make no apology for?
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There is one key difference between establishing a standard and giving someone an ultimatum.
Generally, standards are established in the beginning, or early on in a relationship.
You meet someone, you like them, and you get to know them a little better over the course of days, weeks, or months.
This “getting to know you” phase is typically where we address our standards. We know how we want to be treated, the type of guy or girl we’re looking to be with long-term, and the qualities that set us off.
Generally, as we get to know someone, we match them up to the check boxes on a subconscious list of standards.
He has a decent job.
She comes from a good family.
He’s comfortable with kids.
She enjoys the same hobbies as me.
He has a good education.
And so on and so forth.
Standards have to be set in the beginning, or things will quickly go downhill. This is why men and women are advised to bring certain things up early on rather than later if it is a dealbreaker for them.
Set your standards. If a person doesn’t meet them early on in a dating relationship, you can be sure that they aren’t the one for you.
When it comes to standards, the earlier the better.
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Ultimatums are given once an investment is already made.
“Ultimatums” imply that you’ve already invested a certain amount of time, effort, or emotional labor into a relationship.
You’ve already spent your youth, you’ve already spent your money, you’ve already given of yourself in some way for the benefit of the other person.
And now, after having given so much, you have reached your limit.
This is it. You’re done giving and hoping for a return on investment.
Ultimatums can look different depending on the relationship.
Sometimes, it comes in the form of “either we do this, or I’m moving on.”
Sometimes, it comes in the form of “either we get married, or we break up.”
No matter what the reason is, an ultimatum puts another person in between a rock and a hard place. They are forced into making a decision.
Are ultimatums fun?
Of course not!
But are they necessary?
Maybe.
Ultimatums do not work as an attempt to manipulate.
There is never any way to force someone to do what you want them to do. You cannot make anyone do what you want by threatening, coercing, or manipulating them into it.
You can try, but it is almost guaranteed to not go the way you hoped.
Even if you do manage to get the person to act accordingly, they will always resent you for it to some extent. In these situations, nobody wins.
Ultimatums only work if you are being 100% honest with yourself and the other person about what you really want.
Let’s go back to our original example — The Ultimatum. The show where you either break up for good or get engaged.
If what you truly want is a lifelong commitment we call marriage, by all means, that is as serious as life and death.
If marriage is important to you, then yes, you do want a partner who also finds this to be equally important to them.
And if it isn’t, and they choose to walk away, you can rest in the confidence of knowing that you haven’t lost anything that was truly meant for you in the first place.
You haven’t lost anything worth having.
If you are using an “ultimatum” to manipulate the person you are with into wanting what you want, then I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
It just isn’t going to work.
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Final thoughts
Having “standards” is what you want to do at the beginning of a relationship before you’ve made the heavy investments.
Ultimatums happen when you’ve made so much investment that you no longer want to invest anymore.
And it only works if you’re honest with yourself and the person you’re dating about what you truly want.
If you issue an ultimatum, be ready to lose the person if they don’t want the same things you do. But also be aware that such a loss is not truly ever a loss.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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