“Are you being a parent? Or are you playing a parent?”
This was the question my therapist posed to the group. One of the few times we were allowed to focus what we were learning in session on something other than ourselves.
I commonly heard something like “Don’t worry about being a dad, right now. Focus on you.” I was surprised by the question. But, honestly, it’s a terrific question.
Are we performing or are we parenting?
Have you ever considered it? I certainly had not. Each moment fluttered by, punctuated by the firing of six gazillion synapse connections. Perhaps it goes without saying but I grew concerned.
Was I performing a role? Was my parenting more play-acting than anything else? If so, who was my audience? My daughter? My family and friends? People on the internet?
If you’re anything like me, you analyzed everything just now. If you’re a millennial you shoved it through our favorite filter; authenticity.
More than ever we use this word to question our thoughts, our actions, and anything else we can think of. Moreso than any faith we’ve ever adhered to. More than any ethics we may have encountered. Authenticity is my generation’s floral wallpaper, shag carpet, and five-member, pop peddling boy band (that last one is our’s, too — back off). It is the je ne sais quoi that we’re all aware of.
With no small effort, I’ve found my answer to the original question. I’m hoping my authenticity will carry you toward discovering your authentic answer, as we all authentically try to prove just how authentic we can actually be… erm, are.
Am I performing?
Yes!
Of course, I am. So are you. We all are. That’s what parenting is. It’s an often misinformed, amateur production and I’m the understudy. I can’t seem to find the director, the cast and crew have “other jobs,” and I’m lucky if I can find the light switch.
I can’t tell you how many times I call my parents or a close friend to ask just what the hell I’m supposed to do. Or, more often than not, to check-in and evaluate whether I made even a decent performance.
The production lineup this season includes:
“Dinner is, once again, beige”
A comedy of errors, starring chicken nuggets and buttered toast. A local favorite.
“It’s not really wrong, it’s inappropriate”
An intense character study pairing a young soldier with a wounded non-com as they attempt to navigate the landmines in their lives while literally traversing a minefield.
And finally
“Dad, my bum itches”
A comedy-meets-medical procedural. Think Samuel L. Jackson as a central character in an episode of ER.
All jokes aside, parenting is hard. I think we have to remain engaged, committed to improving, and resilient to our own blunders. And unless you’re abusive, neglectful, or absentee, stop feeling bad about making the best decision you can and winging it.
A dear friend of mine has successfully brought her children to the ages of reason. At great difficulty, I might add. She has informed her children that they will, indeed, need therapy but she has always done the very best she could. She adores her children and they adore her. Show me more authentic than that and I’ll lipsync a Backstreet Boys song just for you.
Let’s face it, once you have kids, you’re on baby, and a lot of it is showbiz. So, give ’em the old razzle-dazzle. Show them the first-rate sorcerer you are. And, above all, let’s give our kids the best we’ve got. They’re entitled to it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Joel Filipe on Unsplash